Discussion I never thought id be alive past a certain age! Can anyone relate?

[miserymouse]

As a child I had a plan to commit suicide at the age of 18. I'm 20 now. I turn 21 in August, but I'm not sure if I'll it to that point.

 

[Pale_Rider]

Im not gonna give my age. Ive been on earth a bit, yes. I outlasted all my friends now whom died young. One from suicide. I have PTSD for a reason myself. That I'm alive is a miracle in itself.

 

[marimo420]

I think I've known since I was in my mid teens. I just turned 27 and every year feels more and more like I'll end it before my next birthday but it never happens...

 

[katara]

i planned to end it at 16 while i was growing up. had a notebook i carried with me everywhere that detailed my plans and just contained all my other vents. had a kid who sat next to me at school take it and read it while i was away from my desk. he thought it was left from last class. he didn't know it was mine. he gave it to the teacher and told her what was written in it. luckily she put off doing anything with it "til the end of class". i spent the entire class trying to sneak it off her desk, but i ended up just walking up, grabbing it, shoving it in my pants, and walking away. no one said anything to me. i don't think anyone actually wanted to deal with it. once the kid next to me realized it was mine, he didn't talk to me much after lol. nothing ever came from this, and im 21 now. don't think ill make it to 30 though. at this rate, ill probably gone within the next year. but we all know how that goes.

This is extremely similar to my situation i can literally see it in my mind
Living to 30 is so crazy and makes me want to cry and vomit. I am trying so hard to get out of here before 30 bc I won't be able to handle being that old and still here in the SAME PLACE

 

[cait_sith]

My deadlines kept on expanding from 20 to 25, 30, 35. But i am certain i will meet the deadline of the big four o.

 

[eupdplishlp]

it's interesting seeing others go throught the same. I had a deadline for 18 set but am now 22.

 

[Rynalia]

At this point I get surprised when I manage to live through each year.

Originally I had a deadline to die before I graduated high school. Now imagine my surprise when I woke up one day as a dysfunctional member of society.

The body is far more robust than we give it credit for, sheesh.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

Yes. This is painfully relatable. I first started having serious thoughts of suicidal ideation between the ages of 19-21 years old; at that period I promised myself that I would not live past the age of 25; this was my ideal age to leave because it is still considered youthful, but 30 years was frightengly "too old" for me at that time, and still is! At the age of around 27 I joined Sanctioned Suicide, so I missed my first target. Then I reached the age of 30 years old, and was still on this forum.

I have completely lost my chance to die young after having multiple opportunities to do so. I am very angry with myself!

 

[happysunnydayy]

I am 33 now.....if I had to pick a number then maybe I never saw myself living past 30......hit me hard when I turned 30!

30s hit hard and 25 is gonna hit me even harder. Nightmare to be old

 

[alt131313]

Yup. I've been suicidal since my late teens, and always just assumed it would end sooner than later..every time I decided to go through with it, I basically chickened out. Im in my late 30's now, and never in my worst nightmares did I think I'd make it to this age.

 

[kopebaldy]

I've never thought I'd make it pass my 20s, I thought I would kill myself at around 21 or some shit.
But lo and behold, a useless 30 years old "adult".

 

[Forever Sleep]

My Mum died when she was 40. I was so convinced I would too. It's been so disappointing to outlive her.

Sometimes, I've even wondered if it is a form of survivors guilt. She found out she had cancer when she was carrying me. She delayed chemo so as not to abort. While it was obviously her decision, it still feels like the wrong one. I so wish she was here and I wasn't.

 

[Doz]

I thought I would be gone by the time I graduated high school. But it was the worst possible time to end it. Not only was it during the pandemic but literally a month or so before I graduated my dad passed away from cancer. I genuinely did not picture my life past that time and yet here I am. I am so fucked.

 

[Worndown]

That is tough!

 

[dollangel]

absolutely.. I've been suicidal since I was.. I want to say about 13 years old? at latest. for the longest time, I planned to CTB the day before my 18th birthday, because I never wanted to be an adult. and yet, here I am. each year that passes, each year older that I get, it just feels that much more painful to still be in the same place, trapped seemingly eternally with no escape

 

[Ligottian]

Try making it to my age. 65.

 

[Ghostinplainsight]

I was adamant i wouldn't make it past 18. Now i'm 30 and i've surpassed my expiration date way too many times.

 

[TAW122]

I can relate... at first I don't see myself getting into my 20's then of course, college happened and just followed what most of society wanted at the time and such. I been long wanting to go on my own terms even when I wasn't an adult, though never really pondered and meditated on the thought of CTB'ing until early 20's or so. I could have gone before 30, but now I'm in my mid 30's and I've felt like I've been long, long overdue to go. There just isn't much things I enjoy in existence and many fleeting pleasures are just simply 'copes' and most of sentience sucks anyway. I think a lot of people (especially non-SaSu) believe that the copes are enjoyable and worth the suffering, but for me it never was. It was simply just a matter of when for me, rather than if. I do hope that perhaps 2025 will definitely be my absolute last year of enduring this shitshow of sentience.

 

[Forveleth]

*see nametag thingy*

 

[death_bed221]

I always wanted to join the 27 club even as a kid for some reason. Maybe I was onto something cuz I am 31 and this life just aint it

 

[jenson]

Alot of similar posts here. Was hoping I would have overdosed or ran my mouth off and been killed by 30, but 31 now and still here unfortunately. Should have had the decency to off myself in my 20s since I didn't do anything else productive but here I am.