I question my own memory of suffering.

[curiouscvnt]

I am conflicted about the extent of my suffering, which matters because it at this point makes it more difficult / less likely for me to talk about my suffering openly and honestly with any other person; i don't feel valid. Please share if you want to and relate (or don't relate).

I've been able to hold things in for so long and grown so accustomed to doing so that no one may be the wiser as to how deeply i suffer mentally in lonely suicidality. I know and constantly remind myself that things could be far worse for me, but that does little more than to prod me to go along and take the status quo. By this point, i have some critical memories (for example, of my father breaking my trust in his ability to respect and love me emotionally) that i feel are highly unlikely to be validated or accepted by others involved in them, and i wonder where that leaves me in interpreting the pain and suffering that i feel as a result of not dealing with the consequences of such critical experiences. This is especially impactful to me in the case of experiences that are simply my own memories and can't really coincide with anyone else's because of the things that i actively suppressed and did not communicate about.

here're some questions that kill me from the inside-out and that i have no answer to:
When no one has a clue that you're suicidal, and it's making you feel closer to death to continue feeling like you're living a lie, do you go about trying to communicate honestly with someone? And who, might i ask, could listen? 988 ain't gonna. warmlines are just as impersonal. I'm talking about how i cannot live authentically, unanonymously, with or without communicating in some way about how i actively think about and desire to end my life?

 

[timf]

It can be tricky to try to connect with someone at a real level without risking a relationship. If you were dealing with drugs or alcohol, you might be able to use a 12 step program. If you volunteered to read to the elderly, you might find someone who would be honest with you. You could try calling the pastor of a small church on a Tuesday or Wednesday (when they are least busy) and see if you can find someone to talk with. You probably want to stay away from organizational systems as they can be coldly mechanical. You might even call a teacher of psychology at a local community college and see if they could recommend a student who would be willing to talk with you as practice for them.

Generally, the more conversational contact you have with people, the better able you will get in resolving isolation.

 

[curiouscvnt]

It can be tricky to try to connect with someone at a real level without risking a relationship. If you were dealing with drugs or alcohol, you might be able to use a 12 step program. If you volunteered to read to the elderly, you might find someone who would be honest with you. You could try calling the pastor of a small church on a Tuesday or Wednesday (when they are least busy) and see if you can find someone to talk with. You probably want to stay away from organizational systems as they can be coldly mechanical. You might even call a teacher of psychology at a local community college and see if they could recommend a student who would be willing to talk with you as practice for them.

Generally, the more conversational contact you have with people, the better able you will get in resolving isolation.

Thank you for your suggestions. I've thought about 12 step and i suppose i am not convinced that i want abstinence from alcohol, so to engage in those spaces just feels disingenuous. That might change in the future, but right now that's the way i feel. I do like the idea of volunteering to spend time with the elderly; i will keep that in mind.
Ultimately i think that being part of a community would help me feel belonging and probably attachment in life, and might go some ways toward increasing my sense of self worth. Currently i am struggling to see true opportunities to be part of communities in which i can be open and honest (irl; in person) about serious issues that affect me.