Venting I saw CTB go wrong. (as an Ex-Nurse)

[CicisDoingUnwell]

☆ ── ꒰ ✉ (𝑪 𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒚𝒑𝒊𝒏𝒈...)

I worked as a nurse on a neurological station in 2023/2024.

I arrived at work, and we had just gotten a new patient – a girl who was only one year older than me.

We had a handover, and it was extremely publicized that she had attempted suicide by jumping off a 20 meter buliding.

Because we were almost the same age, the other nurses asked me to take care of her, get her ready, etc.
She was completely yellow, her liver had been ruptured from hitting the floor.
Her arms and legs were completely deformed due to broken bones. The same was her skull
She was extremely anorexic, and she barely ate anything.

She often said to other nurses: "I don't wanna live this life anymore..."

She came from a differnt country, thats why we tried to speak in english as much as possible.

No one ever came to visit her - no parents, siblings... no one. It just made me angry atp.
Looking into her eyes - they were just empty. There was no light or what so ever in her. She didn't even wanted a liver transplant. She just wanted it to be over.

Eventually I talked with the other nurses and everyone just went: "Its her own fault she tried to cbt, now she has to deal with it."

How they talked about her... digusting...

☆ ── ✉ 𝑩𝒚𝒆; 𝑪!

 

[Pale_Rider]

As a patient you expect more, but some of us know there is some dark humor happening at the least in a scenario like that I suppose. Suicide maybe not.

 

[CicisDoingUnwell]

As a patient you expect more, but some of us know there is some dark humor happening at the least in a scenario like that I suppose. Suicide maybe not.

(…)
Unsure what that means…
Can you write it a bit more out? :)
(…)

 

[amerie]

I appreciate you for showing so much empathy towards her when the people around you couldn't.

Fatigue is so common in healthcare and education and it's so sucky for everyone involved. It's actually normal for a lot of nurses and CNA's to talk shit about their patients, my mom does.

It's why so many are scared to seek help

(…)
Unsure what that means…
Can you write it a bit more out? :)
(…)

I think they were talking about empathy fatigue and how they're trying so hard to hate and resent the patient bc they're distressed that they can't help her. She is a perfect victim and they know it so they're grasping at straws to hate and blame her because it hurts so much to think that life can be so shit.

 

[CicisDoingUnwell]

I appreciate you for showing so much empathy towards her when the people around you couldn't.

Fatigue is so common in healthcare and education and it's so sucky for everyone involved. It's actually normal for a lot of nurses and CNA's to talk shit about their patients, my mom does.

It's why so many are scared to seek help

I think they were talking about empathy fatigue and how they're trying so hard to hate and resent the patient bc they're distressed that they can't help her. She is a perfect victim and they know it so they're grasping at straws to hate and blame her because it hurts so much to think that life can be so shit.

(…)

Thank you for your post <33

I do have to agree, that there is a reason why I wrote "Ex-Nurse" - please never take me back atp.
Since I also live with the "mentally Ill being", It really was a life full of fatique, but it never gave me "i am fatigued emotionally"-card.

However,
I do agree that they were all so frustarted with the situation, but it just hurt to see the lack off empathy and understanding. I always thought -> then don't work as a nurse.

Even the people who brought me down during my education - healthcare system is a piece of trash. xdd
The lack of empathy is just crazy work.

(…)

 

[Pale_Rider]

(…)
Unsure what that means…
Can you write it a bit more out? :)
(…)

I was thinking of how I might feel if I was a patient at deaths door, and was aware the nurses had basically gave me up for death. Yes sure I had chosen to jump with the intent to die, but I also might be really hurt by this also. But I might also take it as confirmation that I had made a good decision to ctb. Which is exactly what I have done in the past with therapists. No negativity intended towards you my friend. Also Im aware of the dark humor that somewhat permeates these types of professions. I had a friend whos wife was a shock trauma nurse, and she had the ptsd, and dark humor to prove it.

 

[nowherelilies]

hello, i'm really sorry if this might come off as insensitive but i just want to ask did you somehow know how she still managed to stay alive after the fall? was there info if she landed on soft ground or something that could've broken her fall?

as someone who is planning to jump and also extremely underweight (like 14.1 bmi), i want to lessen the risk of this failing. i saw some videos of people jumping from 4 to 6 stories but still managed to die despite being normal weight.

 

[Terrible_Life_99]

☆ ── ꒰ ✉ (𝑪 𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒚𝒑𝒊𝒏𝒈...)

I worked as a nurse on a neurological station in 2023/2024.

I arrived at work, and we had just gotten a new patient – a girl who was only one year older than me.

We had a handover, and it was extremely publicized that she had attempted suicide by jumping off a 20 meter buliding.

Because we were almost the same age, the other nurses asked me to take care of her, get her ready, etc.
She was completely yellow, her liver had been ruptured from hitting the floor.
Her arms and legs were completely deformed due to broken bones. The same was her skull
She was extremely anorexic, and she barely ate anything.

She often said to other nurses: "I don't wanna live this life anymore..."

She came from a differnt country, thats why we tried to speak in english as much as possible.

No one ever came to visit her - no parents, siblings... no one. It just made me angry atp.
Looking into her eyes - they were just empty. There was no light or what so ever in her. She didn't even wanted a liver transplant. She just wanted it to be over.

Eventually I talked with the other nurses and everyone just went: "Its her own fault she tried to cbt, now she has to deal with it."

How they talked about her... digusting...

☆ ── ✉ 𝑩𝒚𝒆; 𝑪!

The system is truly disgusting. People who work in an area where you have to help other people in critical conditions think so terrible stuff. I know not all of them are so but I saw nurses who were truly disgusting pieces of shit without any empathy they were like psychopaths. Its one of the reasons why I planned my attempt very carefully in order to make 100% sure I will not wake up in a hospital where scum like that will surround me.

 

[CicisDoingUnwell]

I was thinking of how I might feel if I was a patient at deaths door, and was aware the nurses had basically gave me up for death. Yes sure I had chosen to jump with the intent to die, but I also might be really hurt by this also. But I might also take it as confirmation that I had made a good decision to ctb. Which is exactly what I have done in the past with therapists. No negativity intended towards you my friend. Also Im aware of the dark humor that somewhat permeates these types of professions. I had a friend whos wife was a shock trauma nurse, and she had the ptsd, and dark humor to prove it.

(…)

Good morning!
Ahh... I just got it!

Yes, but that had nothing to do with dark humor. I have to say, I have a dark humor too, and I've sometimes made completely inappropriate jokes with patients. But what they did to her was just absolute hate crime xdd

What I also saw, because she was from another country, she never really understood what we/they were talking about. She spoke really bad english, only a few sentences and could not speak my language at all. Unsure what her thoughts were. :)

(…)

 

[Vorty30]

It is her fault? Fault of what exactly?
Can their braindead egos clarify a bit further on that what the said girl was to blame for to begin with?
Fuck how I hate pro lifers.
Back in the day 2018 when I was dragged into the ER, I had a trainee doc / fucker / whatever the fuck he was that would approach me with the same quote. That it's me to blame and my fault. I bet you at least 50 bucks rn that if you ask those people to explain themselves what they even are trying to say or mean with those words, they will stare a blank and hit a brick wall.
This - Like other quotes from the pro life bingo board, is by far, another disgusting platitude made for coercion and emotional black mail as well as manipulation.
Fucking interlopers...

 

[CicisDoingUnwell]

hello, i'm really sorry if this might come off as insensitive but i just want to ask did you somehow know how she still managed to stay alive after the fall? was there info if she landed on soft ground or something that could've broken her fall?

as someone who is planning to jump and also extremely underweight (like 14.1 bmi), i want to lessen the risk of this failing. i saw some videos of people jumping from 4 to 6 stories but still managed to die despite being normal weight.

(…)

Gosh, Im happy this is an Anonymous forum xddd
It's fine to ask that, it's Sasu, sometimes I just forget that - thank you for considering my feelings tho. <33

She manged to stay alive because she landed on her lower body, but still hit, with expecially the right arm and right side of the skull, so she needed emergency operation.

What she landed on, i really have no clue. But at 20 meters, exept water and you have idea what you do, I don't thing it makes any difference where you land on.

Unsure how much she weight in, but since she was anorexic, I do think 15/14 bmi at least.
In the hospital it was only 13 or smth.

It also really does depend how you land - lower body? We are there to rescue you! But if you have extrem internal bleeding, exp. in the brain and important organs no chance. A broken liver? That's a fuckn painful death.

I should do a second part, where I saw CTB go wrong - also from falling but much worse, she was tied to a wheelchair for 14 and died last year.

My conclusion; Jumping is not a good way to ctb.

(…)

The system is truly disgusting. People who work in an area where you have to help other people in critical conditions think so terrible stuff. I know not all of them are so but I saw nurses who were truly disgusting pieces of shit without any empathy they were like psychopaths. Its one of the reasons why I planned my attempt very carefully in order to make 100% sure I will not wake up in a hospital where scum like that will surround me.

(…)

I understand so much - they even treated me like crap during my education.
I think the worst moment for me ever was, when a nurse on the ICU dragged an elderly women over half the floor onto the bed. I died a couple of times this day.

(…)

 

[Terrible_Life_99]

Did you have a case where a person hang themself and they survived? If so could you please share?:)

 

[CicisDoingUnwell]

It is her fault? Fault of what exactly?
Can their braindead egos clarify a bit further on that what the said girl was to blame for to begin with?
Fuck how I hate pro lifers.
Back in the day 2018 when I was dragged into the ER, I had a trainee doc / fucker / whatever the fuck he was that would approach me with the same quote. That it's me to blame and my fault. I bet you at least 50 bucks rn that if you ask those people to explain themselves what they even are trying to say or mean with those words, they will stare a blank and hit a brick wall.
This - Like other quotes from the pro life bingo board, is by far, another disgusting platitude made for coercion and emotional black mail as well as manipulation.
Fucking interlopers...

(…)

Pisses me off as well.

They were ALL so selfish - even now, where I'm very rich in therapy experience and stuff, i would never go back on these unstable relationships. ://

They are also fuckers to everyone. xdd The system is so broken, it really is. I am so happy I dont have to go back - never never ever.

(…)

Did you have a case where a person hang themself and they survived? If so could you please share?:)

(…)

Hanging… no, I don't but I had a literall "ctb"-ler.

If thats your method, sorry, I really don't have any with hanging.

I will do more parts now prbly.

(…)

 

[Daphne]

Good people in healthcare have genuine empathy. Good people get run out by the sociopaths.

I'm in the U.S. and have seen this lack of compassion you're talking about. Nurses making fun of their patients. Probably torturing them in other ways too. We live in a sick world.

More people CTB just to escape. Some people like your patient have no doubt had unbelievably hard lives and just want it to be over. I'm sure that was hard to see.

In a civilized world, assisted suicide would be available. Then again, in a civilized world maybe fewer people would check out if they had a fair chance in life. That won't happen since so many enjoy the suffering of others.

Thank you for being one of few nurses who actually care about patients. You don't get enough credit.

 

[CicisDoingUnwell]

Good people in healthcare have genuine empathy. Good people get run out by the sociopaths.

I'm in the U.S. and have seen this lack of compassion you're talking about. Nurses making fun of their patients. Probably torturing them in other ways too. We live in a sick world.

More people CTB just to escape. Some people like your patient have no doubt had unbelievably hard lives and just want it to be over. I'm sure that was hard to see.

In a civilized world, assisted suicide would be available. Then again, in a civilized world maybe fewer people would check out if they had a fair chance in life. That won't happen since so many enjoy the suffering of others.

Thank you for being one of few nurses who actually care about patients. You don't get enough credit.

(…)

I saw torturing as well… oh honey, working as a nurse made me hella sick as well. There were A LOT of things which were going wrong and prbly also resulted in a death - if that stuff comes out im telling her im prbly cooked. xddddd

I also think assisted suicide is worth it! 100000%

Nawww, thank you omg!
Im crying Thank you for the credit <33

(…)

 

[Zeir Anpin 729]

Fuck how I hate pro lifers.
Back in the day 2018 when I was dragged into the ER, I had a trainee doc / fucker / whatever the fuck he was that would approach me with the same quote. That it's me to blame and my fault. I bet you at least 50 bucks rn that if you ask those people to explain themselves what they even are trying to say or mean with those words, they will stare a blank and hit a brick wall.

In December of 2018 I was dragged into the Holly Hill clinic in Raleigh, NC. I was not suicidal. My mom accused me of stealing random kitchen appliances that where missing, but in reality, I didn't know what they where and never laid a finger on them. She lost them all herself but she blamed me and tried to force me to uncover the "hiding spot" but this could not be done because there wasn't one and I never stole anything to begin with. I never even had the intention to do anything remotely like that and was insulted that somebody would think that low of me to begin with. Even though she had no proof she carried on, and then picked up the phone to call the cops who told her about Holly Hill. And then I was forced into there. I was not suicidal, it was a punishment because she hated my very existence.

Anyway, I was in high school at the time and forced into the children's section of the hospital. You'd be surprised at how many other "children" are p*dofiles / rapists / extremists / gang members. I spent a week sitting in the sitting room and either playing cards or staring at the wall. There was nothing to do. You wasted all your time just hanging around, avoiding bad people and counting the days.

Bad mental health is criminalized. You are apparently a both a thought-criminal and an actual physical criminal as well when you even THINK of death, or even are accused of it from someone with power over you. Why do so many suicides happen in the private residence of the people? They need their own private space to hide from the cops and not be harassed while doing it. You do it in public and seven cop cars pull up and your entire life is ruined probably forever. They just give you more reasons to go through with it honestly.

Now I have chronic pain and a crippling disability in both legs (the knee joint is broken due to joint fluid leakage and all the other things that cartilage damage will do to you). For the first time in my life I WANT to die, given that every opportunity to succeed at anything anywhere has been robbed from me. I want to work, go to school, etc, but my disability makes it all utterly impossible, and even waking up in the morning to the sunrise is an incredibly miserable experience and feeling the pain and knowing it won't go away is honestly so terrible that death is better. And I know that for a fact.

Fuck pro-lifers. They lost on the abortion issue. Why can't they also fuck off and let people control their own bodies / lives / destinies / etc? We know the answer. Its about CONTROL.

 

[amerie]

(…)

Gosh, Im happy this is an Anonymous forum xddd
It's fine to ask that, it's Sasu, sometimes I just forget that - thank you for considering my feelings tho. <33

She manged to stay alive because she landed on her lower body, but still hit, with expecially the right arm and right side of the skull, so she needed emergency operation.

What she landed on, i really have no clue. But at 20 meters, exept water and you have idea what you do, I don't thing it makes any difference where you land on.

Unsure how much she weight in, but since she was anorexic, I do think 15/14 bmi at least.
In the hospital it was only 13 or smth.

It also really does depend how you land - lower body? We are there to rescue you! But if you have extrem internal bleeding, exp. in the brain and important organs no chance. A broken liver? That's a fuckn painful death.

I should do a second part, where I saw CTB go wrong - also from falling but much worse, she was tied to a wheelchair for 14 and died last year.

My conclusion; Jumping is not a good way to ctb.

(…)

(…)

I understand so much - they even treated me like crap during my education.
I think the worst moment for me ever was, when a nurse on the ICU dragged an elderly women over half the floor onto the bed. I died a couple of times this day.

(…)

Christ!! Jumping like that is painful enough but being bmi 13 with barely any fat to cushion you must hurt like hell!! Fuck!! Poor girl :(( imagine going thru that and being treated like a burden by the nurses supposed to heal you.

 

[Manfrotto99]

I might be wrong but I imagine there is a stigma around mental health and a Iot or people have no idea why or how a person can CBT, nor do they want to know as it is too confrontational a subject. There is still a perception in society of it being selfish and that if the person just tried harder, they could get better. The nurses proberbly also think about the extra work it creates for them and the pressure on the system, when they could be attending to people who are "genuinely physically ill" and want to get better. It sucks!

 

[amerie]

I might be wrong but I imagine there is a stigma around mental health and a Iot or people have no idea why or how a person can CBT, nor do they want to know as it is too confrontational a subject. There is still a perception in society of it being selfish and that if the person just tried harder, they could get better. The nurses proberbly also think about the extra work it creates for them and the pressure on the system, when they could be attending to people who are "genuinely physically ill" and want to get better. It sucks!

Nah tbh a lot (not all) of nurses are just cunts who want to bitch about everything even tho they signed up for the job, it can get tiring but a lot of the people who sign up were bullies in school or just do it bc of tradition and for the pay (Filipinos). You can be in for anything and they'll still find a way to hate you.

They literally bully each other, my mom and the other employees talk shit about this one nurse even though she's obviously neurodivergent and they make fun of her voice. Her crime? Asking "too many" questions, as if they weren't new once. They're so evil.

 

[Manfrotto99]

Nah tbh a lot (not all) of nurses are just cunts who want to bitch about everything even tho they signed up for the job, it can get tiring but a lot of the people who sign up were bullies in school or just do it bc of tradition and for the pay (Filipinos). You can be in for anything and they'll still find a way to hate you.

They literally bully each other, my mom and the other employees talk shit about this one nurse even though she's obviously neurodivergent and they make fun of her voice. Her crime? Asking "too many" questions, as if they weren't new once. They're so evil.

yes I agree from my experience with nurses and dealing with older people, still I think society and the stigma around CTB has a lot to blame and helps to give them an excuse to justify their cruel insensitive behaviour to themselves and others.

 

[Vorty30]

(…)

Pisses me off as well.

They were ALL so selfish - even now, where I'm very rich in therapy experience and stuff, i would never go back on these unstable relationships. ://

They are also fuckers to everyone. xdd The system is so broken, it really is. I am so happy I dont have to go back - never never ever.

(…)

(…)

Hanging… no, I don't but I had a literall "ctb"-ler.

If thats your method, sorry, I really don't have any with hanging.

I will do more parts now prbly.

(…)

I mean... Ok. Like, I am seriously sorry if my post came as harsh or rude, but why would they do this?
Can't a bit of kindness towards a person having their feet broken and liver damaged be that much of cost to them? :/
The system is... Yeah.

 

[Slimprofessional010]

Hi, I'm sorry they said that. It's really mean. I would like to hear more stories. May I pm you? If not that's okay.

 

[Pale_Rider]

(…)

Good morning!
Ahh... I just got it!

Yes, but that had nothing to do with dark humor. I have to say, I have a dark humor too, and I've sometimes made completely inappropriate jokes with patients. But what they did to her was just absolute hate crime xdd

What I also saw, because she was from another country, she never really understood what we/they were talking about. She spoke really bad english, only a few sentences and could not speak my language at all. Unsure what her thoughts were. :)

(…)

Good morning also. yeah I was writing a little off there for a bit.

 

[CicisDoingUnwell]

In December of 2018 I was dragged into the Holly Hill clinic in Raleigh, NC. I was not suicidal. My mom accused me of stealing random kitchen appliances that where missing, but in reality, I didn't know what they where and never laid a finger on them. She lost them all herself but she blamed me and tried to force me to uncover the "hiding spot" but this could not be done because there wasn't one and I never stole anything to begin with. I never even had the intention to do anything remotely like that and was insulted that somebody would think that low of me to begin with. Even though she had no proof she carried on, and then picked up the phone to call the cops who told her about Holly Hill. And then I was forced into there. I was not suicidal, it was a punishment because she hated my very existence.

Anyway, I was in high school at the time and forced into the children's section of the hospital. You'd be surprised at how many other "children" are p*dofiles / rapists / extremists / gang members. I spent a week sitting in the sitting room and either playing cards or staring at the wall. There was nothing to do. You wasted all your time just hanging around, avoiding bad people and counting the days.

Bad mental health is criminalized. You are apparently a both a thought-criminal and an actual physical criminal as well when you even THINK of death, or even are accused of it from someone with power over you. Why do so many suicides happen in the private residence of the people? They need their own private space to hide from the cops and not be harassed while doing it. You do it in public and seven cop cars pull up and your entire life is ruined probably forever. They just give you more reasons to go through with it honestly.

Now I have chronic pain and a crippling disability in both legs (the knee joint is broken due to joint fluid leakage and all the other things that cartilage damage will do to you). For the first time in my life I WANT to die, given that every opportunity to succeed at anything anywhere has been robbed from me. I want to work, go to school, etc, but my disability makes it all utterly impossible, and even waking up in the morning to the sunrise is an incredibly miserable experience and feeling the pain and knowing it won't go away is honestly so terrible that death is better. And I know that for a fact.

Fuck pro-lifers. They lost on the abortion issue. Why can't they also fuck off and let people control their own bodies / lives / destinies / etc? We know the answer. Its about CONTROL.

(…)

I have in similar expierience, when it comes to "bad mental health is criminalized" It is…

First, thank you so much for telling your story. <:3

In the child section, where I was in 2020 - holy shit, it was so bad, I was totally happy to be out there.

Was also treated like shit… the nurses treated me like I was just some other person trying to die and I should simply do it if I wanted to. xd Remember A nurse screaming at an anorexic patient for not eating 2 grams of tsatsiki. ://

Yes, fuck-pro lifers fr fr

(…)

 

[CicisDoingUnwell]

Hi, I'm sorry they said that. It's really mean. I would like to hear more stories. May I pm you? If not that's okay.

(…)

Hey, I will write a part 2 and 3 as well - ofc you can write me, always!
Your welcome! ‍‍

(…)

 

[Slimprofessional010]

Thank you

 

[CicisDoingUnwell]

I mean... Ok. Like, I am seriously sorry if my post came as harsh or rude, but why would they do this?
Can't a bit of kindness towards a person having their feet broken and liver damaged be that much of cost to them? :/
The system is... Yeah.

(…)

No! It really wasn't harsh lol!
It is how it is, a shitty system - it need to be fixed.

(…)

 

[kurzreisekoff]

☆ ── ꒰ ✉ (𝑪 𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒚𝒑𝒊𝒏𝒈...)

I worked as a nurse on a neurological station in 2023/2024.

I arrived at work, and we had just gotten a new patient – a girl who was only one year older than me.

We had a handover, and it was extremely publicized that she had attempted suicide by jumping off a 20 meter buliding.

Because we were almost the same age, the other nurses asked me to take care of her, get her ready, etc.
She was completely yellow, her liver had been ruptured from hitting the floor.
Her arms and legs were completely deformed due to broken bones. The same was her skull
She was extremely anorexic, and she barely ate anything.

She often said to other nurses: "I don't wanna live this life anymore..."

She came from a differnt country, thats why we tried to speak in english as much as possible.

No one ever came to visit her - no parents, siblings... no one. It just made me angry atp.
Looking into her eyes - they were just empty. There was no light or what so ever in her. She didn't even wanted a liver transplant. She just wanted it to be over.

Eventually I talked with the other nurses and everyone just went: "Its her own fault she tried to cbt, now she has to deal with it."

How they talked about her... digusting...

☆ ── ✉ 𝑩𝒚𝒆; 𝑪!

Man I feel for her and I can only imagine how much weight it put on you. Do you know why her jump didn't work?

 

[SilentSadness]

This is literally psychopathic behaviour from those people, no wonder so many suicidal people have to keep quiet, those people literally exist just to torment others for no reason. Just cruel and pathetic. Sorry you had to endure their cruelty first hand.

 

[CicisDoingUnwell]

This is literally psychopathic behaviour from those people, no wonder so many suicidal people have to keep quiet, those people literally exist just to torment others for no reason. Just cruel and pathetic. Sorry you had to endure their cruelty first hand.

(…)
It really is at it's worst. You have no idea what I all had to endure. XDD

From grooming, to sa by getting an ass grabbed, then nurses shit talk, doctors letting people die who could have lived…

I should do a whole thread about it xddddㅋㅋㅋ

(…)