Story I should have left a year ago.. What I thought was a miracle was just the devil in disguise

[Catch-22]

Last year at the end of September I was ready to go had everything planned and then I got a message through Messenger that I thought was something at last minute to save my life.. idiot I was! Cuz staying around the next 10 months has got me severe narcissistic abuse and then I had surgery which came out with the worst prognosis and left me with another agonizing health condition except this one nickname the suicide disease. Hahaha fuck you universe! I knew you'd fuck me over at least one more time but twice?! I don't have a chance in hell I know I can't even take care of myself so my mom's looking at put me away and assisted living.. well of course I would never have a chance to leave then.my SN is over a year old now and my Metro expired in February but I'm pretty sure it's still good. I might have a chance coming up. I'm much older than most people on this community and I I kept waiting for my miracle to come but it never did only things got worse and I didn't even think t that was possible. Now my opportunity might come up in a couple weeks and I have to get my head back in a mindset. I spent every day every waking hour on here for 10 months after a reprieve to get myself in that headspace and then it left no matter how much pain because SI is so strong. How strong is it?! Enough that I endured 10 months with severely narcissistic abuse and living with another crippling illness. I guess my body was trying to save itself. I know fucking crazy! But true! .. it seems like a ghost town hear these days. Not that I want it to be packed with people wanting to die because I don't however I don't see the regulars and it doesn't have that feel like it felt like home or maybe it's just because I've been away for so long. It is hard to be on here daily every waking hour but I got myself there and I miss it. Enduring severe narcissistic abuse I mean full out in NPD and maybe even a little antisocial in there AKA sociopath. I'm so beat up after that.. and the psycho still persist to try to beat me down more. I have such trauma from that I shake 24/7. I don't know what the percentage of people on here believe in God or good or evil but I can tell you whatever has had its grip on me like some type of curse with the one thing bad happening after another I can tell you it is evil because if he was sent to me in my messenger perfect timing on purpose to keep me around to meet me suffer more. So I guess if you believe in evil then you have to believe in good but I like to know where was my intervention?! Where was God intervening to keep any of this nasty stuff that's happened to me I don't know maybe when I get to the other side I will find that out.

Anyone made it to the end of my long ass story I appreciate it!

 

[R. A.]

I'd like to read this but I literally can't stare at a giant rectangle of text...if you could edit it to make it a few paragraphs at fitting points, would gladly read

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so horrible what you have to go through, I'm sorry you have to suffer unbearably in this cruel, torturous existence, it really sounds like you've suffered so much, I hope you find peace.

 

[Catch-22]

I'd like to read this but I literally can't stare at a giant rectangle of text...if you could edit it to make it a few paragraphs at fitting points, would gladly rea well first

I'd like to read this but I literally can't stare at a giant rectangle of text...if you could edit it to make it a few paragraphs at fitting points, would gladly read

I've been having a tough time posting... my content keeps disappearing into the ethernet! I did my best to format my first draft with proper spacing and punctuation, but my health is failing me. I'm battling several illnesses all at once, and the pain is agonizing 24/7! It's too late to edit it and frankly I'm just too sick.

That sounds so horrible what you have to go through, I'm sorry you have to suffer unbearably in this cruel, torturous existence, it really sounds like you've suffered so much, I hope you find peace.

It's good to see a regular. Thank you!

 

[Wolf Girl]

I'm so sorry this all happened. I had trigeminal nerve pain briefly when I got braces and I absolutely see why people ctb from it. Do you have a pain doctor?

 

[Dejected 55]

I'd like to read this but I literally can't stare at a giant rectangle of text...if you could edit it to make it a few paragraphs at fitting points, would gladly read

I get sometimes people post things in formats that are difficult to read... but if you really can't read it and don't care to try... what's the point of posting this? Just to take a jab at someone who is obviously hurting. You aren't offering real help here.

Real help would be reading it anyway, posting a thoughtful reply, and then if you feel the need you could point out difficulty you had in reading it as positive critique... but without any of that, it just looks like someone twisting the knife.

For my part to be on-topic...

I can see the appeal of believing in a higher power, to not feel alone, to think you have support even when the rest of humanity doesn't seem to care, and even sometimes to have someone to blame for things that happen to you. But the more you think about it, most of organized religion doesn't hold up... and many people are quick to use it to absolve themselves of responsibility or to blame outright others and it is used to persecute people who are different and say "God doesn't like them..." I honestly think religion ends up doing more harm than good, especially to the people who need it the most and who most want to really believe.

And the OP's suffering seems like a lot and over a long period of time. I'm fortunate to be mostly healthy, so I can't identify fully with that kind of pain. But I can empathize at least a little with the pain I do suffer. And I worry sometimes, about missed opportunity to end things... and the possibility of missing again. There was a time 20+ years ago when I started considering suicide but I didn't go through with it, and for a long time I lost the ability to do it reasonably... and then a few years back I had a positive turn of events that made life tolerable... but the rug was pulled out last year and I see no way back. I'm going to be in a worse situation now very soon than I was 20+ years ago... and I can't lose my opportunity to end things like I did before. I don't know how to go through with it, but I know if I don't take this next exit, everything will be so bad for me in a few months that I will not be able to handle it at all.

 

[hopeifindmyself]

As a fellow NPD survivor i relate to this. If you need support. I'm here for you, I won't enough but I'll try and understand you in whatever capacity I have left. I feel you, your message resonated with me