Story I spent an hour in stasis underneath the kitchen table. During my own birthday party.

[picapica]

Sometimes I think that Im not actually mentally ill. That Im just faking, maybe for attention, maybe for sympathy.
Then stuff like this happens.
Overwhelming feelings of inadequacy, fear of not being enough, utter hopelessness..
everything consumed me, it was too much. I knew hours earlier that the crash was coming. I knew because I had purposely not eaten any of the food I made.
Not eating is always the first warning sign.
I dont even know how I ended up on the floor, or when I crawled underneath the table.
I could hear my friends talking in the room adjacent to the kitchen, the door was open the entire time.
All the people near and dear to me, coming together to celebrate. I was so close to them, but it felt like we were in seperate worlds.
I was utterly numb. I couldnt move, couldnt speak, couldnt do anything.
I kept hoping that someone would look for me. Surely, if they cared enough, theyd notice that I was missing.
No one came.
The rational and irrational parts of my brain have been fighting for two days straight.
I have a habit of vanishing during parties. I get tired easily, and need to lay down for a couple minutes.
But usually, someone comes looking for me, just to check if Im alright.
I could hear their conversations. Listened to them talking for a full hour. They didnt mention me, not once.
Have I finally become too big of a burden? Were they glad I was gone? All the times theyve had to help me, check up on me, has it finally gotten too much?
My brother found me, and I pretended I was just drunk.
Five minutes earlier, I had been imagining myself slitting my wrists and bleeding out on the kitchen floor.
I love my friends. Do they love me?
I am annoying. My personality is annoying. My voice is annoying. I am annoying.
Im so sick of being me.
Alcohol 's calling. Better drink up.

 

[dreamscape1111]

dear, we all feel overwhelmed from time to time, it's part of the ride. the point is to make sure we're not getting swept away by the tides which come and go.
you can't expect them to know what your needs are, you have to communicate them, otherwise, how could they know?
i too can relate to those heavy thoughts, but with mindfulness, i've learned to notice how they come uninvited. we blindly believe these stories and take them as reality and look how heavy they feel, right?
i've been feeling way better ever since trying to choose better feeling thoughts every time my mind comes up with a horrible feeling one. instead of believing the thought "i'm unlovable" whenever it comes up, i just simply turn it around! "i am perfect just the way i am!" lovableness is an illusion, who'd get to set those standards? when i realized that the opposite is just as true, if not more true, i was set free from them!
so now, whenever a heavy feeling like that of isolation and unimportance, etc, comes up, i simply take them as gentle loving guidance that i'm currently believing an untrue thought/story.
oh, and Happy Birthday of course! please don't hurt yourself, ok? maybe take this as a little gift from me, hope it cheers you up!

 

[livingdeadgrl]

I'm sorry you went through this. You feelings are valid. Not because you have or not a mental illness, not because you spent your birthday hiding from others, but because you know you're feeling it. You don't have to be "bad enough" to prove anything.
What qualifies someone as a burden? Would you call someone like that? Your feelings, your fears, your needs, your thoughts, none of that is a burden, you deserve all the love and attention.
You really deserve to take a long nap, take a shower, eat a lot of candy and watch some stupid movie, relax your mind and not be so hard on yourself.