There's no reason why I would ctb, technically. When I ask myself why I'm suicidal, I mostly just tell myself "governments. And society" and honestly it's true, those are real problems that I just cannot live with. At the same time I feel like I'm forcing suicidal ideation onto myself *somehow* - I'm not really doing anything for it, I just feel like it's not authentic. Maybe I am indeed just not healthy and this is some mental illness. If it is, I'm not gonna get it fixed, I like my suicidalness. After all, it's an awesome plan B and a great way to fear death much less.
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easypeasy
The.only.white.sheep
- Jul 1, 2024
- 201
I really relate to what you said — not just the part about the world feeling unbearable, but the strange contradiction of wondering if your own pain is "authentic" enough. That stuck with me. Because sometimes it's not a dramatic event that breaks us — it's the ongoing weight of systems, expectations, and isolation. And yeah, those things are real. "Governments and society" sounds flippant to some, but honestly, they do chip away at people who feel too much, or think too deeply, or don't fit the mold.
I don't think you're forcing anything onto yourself. I think you're noticing your pain — and trying to make sense of it in a world that doesn't offer much validation for people who feel like this. There's something deeply human in what you wrote — the part where you say you like your suicidality, even if it's a sign of illness. That's not twisted. That's self-awareness. That's you holding on to the only thing that's helped you make peace with fear.
I don't know what's ahead for you, but I do know this: being able to write with this much clarity, to hold two truths at once — wanting to live and wanting the option not to — means you're still very much alive in the ways that matter. And maybe you don't need to fix anything right now. Maybe just being here, saying what's real, is enough for today.
I don't think you're forcing anything onto yourself. I think you're noticing your pain — and trying to make sense of it in a world that doesn't offer much validation for people who feel like this. There's something deeply human in what you wrote — the part where you say you like your suicidality, even if it's a sign of illness. That's not twisted. That's self-awareness. That's you holding on to the only thing that's helped you make peace with fear.
I don't know what's ahead for you, but I do know this: being able to write with this much clarity, to hold two truths at once — wanting to live and wanting the option not to — means you're still very much alive in the ways that matter. And maybe you don't need to fix anything right now. Maybe just being here, saying what's real, is enough for today.
cemeteryismyhome
Experienced
- Mar 15, 2025
- 292
Similar feelings here. I feel like a fake when I read what others have said here. I've also had the distinct feeling that I'm forcing myself to be depressed and suicidal. The thing for me that is authentic is that I crave, strongly desire, my death. Not afraid at all, but very tired of waiting.
