• ⚠️ UK Access Block Notice: Beginning July 1, 2025, this site will no longer be accessible from the United Kingdom. This is a voluntary decision made by the site's administrators. We were not forced or ordered to implement this block. If you're located in the UK, we recommend using a VPN to maintain access.

ApparentlyNot

ApparentlyNot

Student
Jul 8, 2023
172
I find myself often sounding like someone I'd, at other points in my life, have written off as a teenage edge lord. I found philosophical pessimism, nihilism, efilism, and adjacent schools of thought to be somewhat unworthy of consideration. My struggles in the mental health department became palpable and manifested in full by 14, but I still maintained a certain level of what I now see as denial regarding the absolutely desolate nature of living. I despise human nature in all its facets. I despise hunger and pain and aging. I despise having desires and experiencing an endless cycle of soothing irritations and ailments. I despise working and being a wage slave. I despise having a body. I despise having a psychological reliance on our malformed uncanny society. I feel it. I feel how much I hate everything all the time. It feels like shit. I spent so long in denial. I wanted to be something different. I wanted to be a source of something good. I wanted to feel something other than rigidity. I wanted to feel love and to provide it. I wanted to find a sense of purpose and meaning so badly. But it's gone. The fact that I sought it so earnestly was a symptom of the problem. I feel nothing good ever. I feel nothing but disgust and fear and abhorrence for life and the thought of reproducing. I just want to die. I hope I can do it I am so fucking terrified I won't be able to.

I read this quote by Emil Cioran the other day:

"When you no longer agree with the world, neither in thought nor in heart, run and don't stop, so that the rhythm of the steps surrounds you and makes you forget that nature is made of tears. Otherwise you will be a suicide gardener again."

I can't hear the steps anymore. I think I stopped running entirely. I hear nothing but silence and I feel the weight of this existence for what it is. It is garbage. And I, to my utter dismay, do not believe this to be a bad faith perspective.
 
Last edited:
  • Like
  • Love
Reactions: CantTurnBack, LifeQuitter, Plato'sCaveDweller and 3 others
Innereye

Innereye

Know thy self
Jan 18, 2020
303
Well written. I sympathize.
 
  • Love
  • Like
Reactions: davidtorez and ApparentlyNot

Similar threads

moodrings
Replies
1
Views
173
Suicide Discussion
nowherelilies
nowherelilies
NeoN0va
Replies
3
Views
246
Suicide Discussion
Ch4in3dcr0w
Ch4in3dcr0w
SomewhatLoved
Replies
28
Views
1K
Suicide Discussion
Dot
Dot
livershapedbox
Replies
4
Views
156
Recovery
endlessmelancholy
endlessmelancholy