Story I tried SN and failed

[PassingThrough]

I really don't understand why doctors have so much difficulty diagnosing methemoglobinemia and administering methylene blue. Isn't the brown blood color a dead giveaway? Or do they not teach in medical school about that?

 

[dyingalone123]

Honestly, you are spot on with this. If the medical establishment weren't so keen on imprisoning people and taking their rights away, we wouldn't have this problem.

If they could respect that NO means no, and people don't want to be subjected to drugging, imprisonment, and procedures against their will, I'm sure that people like the OP would me more likely to be candid in their conversations with them. As long as doctors are complicit in blatant violations of bodily autonomy, I feel no sympathy for them.

All they have to do is stand up, shut this down, and refuse to forcibly detain patients in psychiatric wards anymore, but they think they are saving lives rather than inflicting trauma upon innocent individuals who have committed no crimes, but have shown honesty when it comes to their suicidal ideation.

When you're already in a terrifying, painful predicament and you're threatened with the possibility of further unknowns and probable mental scarring once you've been shipped off to the overpriced holding pen, who would want to speak their mind? I understand completely why OP did not want to disclose their true intentions to these doctors.

Whether it's moral or not, that's not a judgement for any of us to make. Many of those students could have been doing other work, but they wanted to watch an "interesting" case they'd never seen before. Is that entirely pure in motivation??

It sounds more like most of the staff saw the OP as the lab rat at the crux of an intriguing puzzle rather than a person on the verge of death who needed some compassion. Common in the medical field. At least one of them took the time to extend a hand for holding and squeezing, that was a really sweet gesture that you don't see often.

It sounds like an awful experience all around. I'm sorry that both of you had to go through your respective struggles. Let this be a lesson to all of us that we can't predict what's going to happen and what sort of thoughts will rush through our heads when we have to face these decisions head on. It's definitely scary the lack of control we have.

Totally agree with what you're saying. The hospital system is broken in general and now you're going to subject me in a broken system with unknowns. I have no doubt that psy wards can be helpful for some people and I've looked into - they tend to be in much wealthier neighborhoods. I live in the poorer neighborhood and I know what that means, I'll be going to a worse psy ward. I've even look into the reviews.

The moment people hear suicide - they get scared. My last psychologist just dropped me as his client. He was too afraid of liability. Suicide hotlines are completely useless in my experience. All of my general doctors were so judge mental when I walked into their office crying. I had to go out of my way to pay out of pocket for a better psychiatrist - draining my savings. On top of that, there's so many doctors becoming doctors for prestige and money - not because they care about people.

I'm really hoping that society becomes more progressive on understanding mental health and the topic of suicide in the future. Maybe not in my lifetime but others that come after me.

We may not have been able to choose the lives and pain we're born into but at least give us the right to exit at the time of our choosing. If there are concerns in regrets, do what Belgium is doing with a panel of 3 doctors reviewing requests. I really don't understand why doctors and society want to prolong a persons suffering.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I really don't understand why doctors have so much difficulty diagnosing methemoglobinemia and administering methylene blue. Isn't the brown blood color a dead giveaway? Or do they not teach in medical school about that?

I study a subject allied to medicine and learned about methmoglobinemia in year one. I suppose it's more common for those who will go on to become lab technicians to learn about things like this, because it is rare to actually see it in clinical practice. However, it provides good theory when studying the chemistry of things like the heme group in oxygenated cells.

 

[Interloper]

When you say 'a small portion' of 20g, how much was it exactly if you don't mind me asking?

 

[FuneralCry]

Thanks for sharing. It sounds like you have been through a lot and I can imagine it must have been awful. I wish you the best whatever happens.

 

[idontgiveadvicehere]

Well, sort of the title. I thought I would talk about my own experiences just so people know what to expect, or to maybe prevent a dumb situation. Feel free to make fun of me, beccause I already hate myself for failing. Especially this badly. But I haven't had a chance to talk about it with anyone, so I'm hoping this is also cathartic.

So when I found this site a few years back, I had bookmarked the SN information guide. I was surprised to learn how difficult it was to get the product, but I finally found some (I triple checked that it was the correct one) and measured out 20 g (which is a lot). I went on a looong journey to find an antiemetic. It was so difficult. I even have a history of stopmach issues and nausea and migranes, but doctors continued to refuse to prescribe any. So one day, I just thought that I needed to do it. Or at least test it without the antiemetic to see how bad it is. Plus, I have been eagerly looking for a way out that is slow and painful- as I feel its what I deserve.

Because I read all the warning comments about not dissolving it anything but 50ml of water, I decided to portion a small amount out and preserve the rest in an old pill bottle (not sure why, but I wasn't really thinking anythign was going to happen besides throwing up), dissolved it in the water and drank. My god it was disgusting. The NASTIEST. I get nausiated thinking about it alomst a year later. I laid in bed and thought I would try to go to sleep (it was midnight). I immediately felt my heart beating hard, but no other symptoms. I wasn't able to fall asleep, as I felt slightly nauseated. It really wasn't bad, just a little annoying. After an hour of ignoring it, I was just like- 'Since I know what it'll feel like, I'm just gonna go ahead and throw this up". I figured a larger does would be more extreme, but that I would be better prepared.

The SECOND I stood, everything spun around me. I have had random fainting spells before and this is exactly what it felt like. I fell to my hands and knees and felt extreme nausea. I knew I needed to head to the toilet, so I started crawling my way over. I couldn't keep straight and kept bouncing off the walls. Then I projectile vomitted all over my bathroom floor. Never made it to the toilet. I kept falling over in it, and was extremely disgusted. By the time my stomach had emptied and I started dry heaving (very quickly), I grabbed a towel and started to very poorly clean it up, and the plan was to show, but I was still heaving and was too dizzy to even be on all fours. I heard my roommate call down to me asking if I was ok, which I said I was fine and that I was about to shower (slightly annoyed that she was awake).

I laid on the ground for a moment to try and steady myself. The next thing I know, I am being caried out of my bathroom by paramedics. My roommate is trying to explain my many illnesses and what her side of the story was and I was just thinking 'fuck. I failed and they know'. I was too angry and embarrassed to talk, and I was freezing, so when they tried to talk to me, I would just ignore them and tried closing my eyes. On the ambulance ride, I tried to get some rest in, but they were already poking and proding and telling me that they were going to give me oxygfen. At that time, my O2 sat was at 70% (which is very low). I was put in a room with about a 20 very beautiful doctors and nurses all trying to talk to me and yelling at each other.

The put on a O2 mask that forced air into you every time you breathed in, but because I was so cold, it was hard to have normal breaths. As time went on, it would be impossible to sleep, so I decided I would talk, but not tell them what I had done- act dumb about it. I didn't think it would work, but luckily because of my weird health history, it seemed understandable. I was also as honest as I could be without disclaiming what I had taken. Hide a lie in truth as they say. So I told them that I had just not been feeling well that evening and late at night I had just started feeling sick, got really dizzy and passed out after vomitting.

I told them that I usually have a sensitive stomach and thought it was food poising at first. I told them that this fainiting has happened before, where I would pass out for a long time. I also freely said that the last time it had happened I took shrooms and passed out for a long time and stopped breathing- whcih was true. They asked if I ever turned blue, which was when I noticed that my had was disgustingly transparent. I could see all of my veins through zombie grey flesh and it was a weird site. So I was like 'uh, no never'. They asked me if I ever thought about suicide before, and I told them truthfully that I think about it all the time (I also have very obvious scars on my body). They asked if this was an attempt and I said no. I know they believed me, because of a later conversation that they had in private that I over heard.

After a short conversation, I was pulled off to scans and all sorts of tests, and throughout this, I was wide awake, joking, telling them they were all doing great, but my O2 was still dropping at a pretty quick rate. They called the CDC, they had doctors zoom call from other countries, they were taking pictures. They had no idea what to do. Plenty of residents and med students also were able to filter through my room and I spoke to all of them and was totally truthful about everything. Except the one thing. At one point, one of the doctors that had been with me from the beginning and just held my hand and shook his head as he watched my O2 drop again. I have to admit, I was pretty excited. Besides a really bad headache, and vomit in my hair, I felt totally fine. I thought it would finally happen, and no friend or family or roommate had to find my body.

More time passes, and I finally feel just so exhausted as they poke and prode me for blood and questions. Then at one point, one of my doctors comes in with several other doctors and a few med students and told me that they had been consulting with so many doctors and their only guess as to what was happeneing to me was that I was suffering from methemoglobinemia. Fuck. He said there was one drug to reverse it: methlyn blue. FUCK. He told me that no one at that hospital has ever given it before, and he didnt think it would work, and the issue with this is, if that they were wrong, it would definitely kill me, but that without trying it I was likely going to die. He said he was agaisnt giving it to me because my ethnicity was prevenlent for some blood diseases, and normally he would have genetic testing done prior but there would be no way I stayed alive long enough to find out. Other doctors voted to have it given to me, and at that point I was just praying that I had this genetic disorder.

I dont. clearly. The shit hurt going in, they even had several residents and doctors and nurses come watch since it was the first time they had ever administered this drug, and within an hour I was totally fine. They kept me in the ICU, had students filtering around asking me questions. At one point when I was trying to sleep I heard one person talking to residents outside my door and the students were asking about drugs and psych, and the person updating them told them that I was very open about my history with suicide and drugs and that none of the doctors believed this was an attempt.

So I got away with it. They tested me for another genetic disorder that is common among my race that could have caused methemoglobinemia, but it was negative. It all came to a dead end of course. I looked at my charts, and the tests all put me as a normal ranges for everything, except for elevated WBC and platlettes. To this day, no one knows what happened and I still act dumb about it. But now that it's in my charts, I would have to plan better to not be found. atm in time, I'm still seeking another method, but now I'm just gently overdosing on Iron- which hasnt been fun- but hoping for some sort of painful organ failure.

So you didn't take an antiemetic? And are you saying you had 20g or just a little bit?
(I'm thinking about taking SN soon.)

 

[aminend]

I think op didn't take enough SN also its purity is arguable. Op was consciousness 1hr after taking SN this is not possible if legit SN be taken in right amount

 

[redwaymilk]

I really don't understand why doctors have so much difficulty diagnosing methemoglobinemia and administering methylene blue. Isn't the brown blood color a dead giveaway? Or do they not teach in medical school about that?

It's definitely something you learn about in med school and thats a common buzzword / commonly tested poisoning. But when people have dropping O2 levels that isn't responding to suppemental oxygen, you start to go down the pathway, IF the person tells you they have taken something. Usually thats the clue for people to start thinking about poisoning.

They may have thought it earlier and reviewed OPs EMR history / asked him if he was taking classic meds that cause methemoglobinemia (topical anesthetics, nitroglycerin, sulfonamides, dapsone) OR a med student may have asked about his diet history (have you eaten a lot of cheese) or occupational history (have you worked with benzene?).

SN ingestion as an intentional way to OD is still very rare, and not really known outside of toxicology circles in medicine. Moreover, it's usually nursing drawing blood, very quickly, and when you've seen so much blood you aren't necessarily looking at the color unless someone has asked you to look at the color.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

Thanks for writing this all up but I'm finding myself annoyed that you took up so much medical time by not telling them what you had done, those doctors and nurses could have been treating others.

I know you were hoping to die but it must have been pretty clear you weren't by then.

Its a difficult line to cross really but I just feel uncomfortable with wasting their time in this way

And if people had the right to kill themselves, or if anyone gave a fuck to make psych wards something other than absolute hell, maybe this person would've been honest with the doctors.

 

[NormaJeane]

It seems like it is not possible to trust Philip Nitschkes expensive The Peaceful Pill Handbook - The R2D Rebreather II does not work, Sodium nitrite does not work and Nembutal should be injected, not taken by mouth.

 

[cambrai33]

And if people had the right to kill themselves, or if anyone gave a fuck to make psych wards something other than absolute hell, maybe this person would've been honest with the doctors.

You have a view and I have mine.

my choice to ctb is mine alone but I have no desire for others to possibly suffer because of it. The reality is numerous medical personnel were tied up with this and I do get the psych ward argument I really do but for me others come first, partly because I have no self worth and hate myself.

 

[Interloper]

Sodium nitrite does not work

I don't think that's fair to say until we know how much he took.

 

[Ta555]

It seems like it is not possible to trust Philip Nitschkes expensive The Peaceful Pill Handbook - The R2D Rebreather II does not work, Sodium nitrite does not work and Nembutal should be injected, not taken by mouth.

He said he only took a small part of the 20g and also it was working. The doctor said he'd be dead if he wasn't given the antidote.

 

[Disco Biscuit]

I think op didn't take enough SN also its purity is arguable. Op was consciousness 1hr after taking SN this is not possible if legit SN be taken in right amount

It might be possible. A member called @hakku once took SN and chatted for about an hour while he waited for it to take effect. RIP.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/just-took-sn-ama.55852/

 

[blueclover_.]

It seems like it is not possible to trust Philip Nitschkes expensive The Peaceful Pill Handbook - The R2D Rebreather II does not work, Sodium nitrite does not work and Nembutal should be injected, not taken by mouth.

Bruh most people die by SN because they weren't saved. Also OP didn't take AE and voluntarily vomited themself.

 

[aminend]

It seems like it is not possible to trust Philip Nitschkes expensive The Peaceful Pill Handbook - The R2D Rebreather II does not work, Sodium nitrite does not work and Nembutal should be injected, not taken by mouth.

SN kills, there are many news and scientific articles.

It might be possible. A member called @hakku once took SN and chatted for about an hour while he waited for it to take effect. RIP.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/just-took-sn-ama.55852/

Yes but she was obese. I think SN works slower in overweight persons

 

[AMeaninglessLife]

Hi all,

I'm new here and I know there are a bunch of philosophical debates and questions, so I'll just answer them here.

1) How much SN did I take?
I originally weighed it out in a 50ml conical tube (I'm a scientist). Interestingly, the ml correlated to grams. I originally had 20ml of SN (20g). I poured out most of it so the powder was at the 5ml line.
2) Did I take it correctly?
No. I did not take it the recommended way. My goal originally was to experiment. I thought I would have to take 20g to die. While I was still trying to figure out how I could obtain the antiemetic, I figured I would experiment with a small amount to see how severe the vomiting would be. Then I would test to see how much I could handle and what medication I could get a hold of that would curb the vomiting. It wasn't a perfect procedure and clearly I started out with too much. But this is probably why I was able to last so long before vomiting. Honestly I could have held it for longer but the haunting taste of eating salt is enough to make me sick now.
3) Would I try again?
Now that I know a small amount would be enough, probably. The issue is being somewhere where I won't be found. I'm quite a sociable introvert. While I prefer being alone, there are always people who want to be around me. I'm not sure how long it would have taken to kill me, but I'm sure I would need at least a full day and the right mood.
4) My selfishness
Yes, I wasted the time and resources of doctors and nurses alike and may have harmed others because of this. I truly hope that wasn't the case, but I cannot say. I didn't want to tell them because I didn't want it to be reversed, and honestly, I fear the idea of being in a psych ward, or having medication kept away from me, or having friends and family and work constantly watch me and walk on eggshell. I've read the stories, I know how awful it can be to lose that sense of independence. If I have to continue living in a shitty life, I would much rather be viewed as a normal woman than some one who needs to be babied for the rest of her life, or have rights taken away from me because I want to take my own life. One year later, people are still helicoptering around me, worried that I'm going to randomly turn blue and die again. But I still have far more freedoms than I would have had if I told the truth.
I also have medical knowledge because of my field of research, so I knew that even though I was awake and alert, my dropping O2 sat meant that I would have definitely died. I assumed their failure in figuring out what was happening meant that I would die. And being able to make jokes and laugh would have been a perfect way for me to go. It would always be hard on those around me, but their last memories would be happier than a dead blue girl stretched out in her vomit on the bathroom floor. I could have told them, but I was selfish and I wanted to die.

Finally, I just thought I would add this moment i had after I passed out. Between passing out and waking up, there was this total emptiness. It was just nothing. Not black not white. I didn't feel sick or scared or calm or peaceful. It was nothing. Absolutely nothing. I think about it a lot. I came to the conclusion that this is what death would be. At first, it gave me a bit of an existential crisis. I'm an atheist, but I guess I always hoped that something would happen. It was scary to think that I would never know that I died, or what happened next. But now I think about it and I'm earnestly looking forward to going back there. To nothing.

Thanks for taking the time to read my post. I hope I was able to answer some questions, and I'm sorry for causing a bit of drama here. I meant well, but sometimes I can be an idiot. Part of the reason I want to die. I'll still be looking for other ways out, but until then, I'll be around.

 

[waitingforthehappy]

Look honestly, it's their job to figure out what is wrong with the patient. Yes op in question knew what was wrong with them but what if they were unconscious and couldn't answer? It wasn't game up for them. They were still hoping to die. They almost did. It's the fact that the doctors figured out what was wrong that they were saved. In that moment between life and death, you do not know how you would react. What op did and felt is very much valid and I do not think it matters whether it annoys you or you would have done something differently. You don't know what you would have done, you weren't there. Peace out:)

In total agreement @liberty_222 . The judgement is out of place. No one knows for certain how they would react under the circumstances faced by @AMeaninglessLife, and we should be so ready to judge. There is the survival instinct, and the self-preservation instinct as well. If @AMeaninglessLife made the decisions to prevent from being entered into a terrible psych ward or any other forms of terrible treatment faced by the suicidal, the responses and decisions are totally understandable, not to be judged.