Story I tried telling my story but I couldn’t...

[Goodbye710]

I'm in my early 40's. I started to write my entire story but I couldn't. The PTSD is so bad I started to sweat heavily and my brain shut down.

Nobody knows and it literally kills me inside that I am the only person who knows and will ever know.

There are days the pain is so great, I want to take a can of gasoline and set myself on fire and sit down and take the experience in. I don't want this pain not because of what I've done in life but because of what others have done to myself and my late mom. Then I kick myself out of it. Living is more painful and so I chose the more painful option and keep looking for more pain in life. Like an addiction.

PTSD can be so great you can die from a stroke or heart failure. My heart will one day break but before it does I do at least want peace by taking N or H in my final moments.

When the site was down, I got upset knowing I'll never be able to tell my story to anybody, ever. I guess this is the closest I will ever get to telling.

One comfort that I have is knowing I have angels from the other side around me and a knowing I signed up for this before I was born. It doesn't make it easier but it is comforting at least.

I'm sorry for unloading these feelings on you guys... Everyone here has been nothing but good to me.

 

[WornOutLife]

You have nothing to feel sorry for. You can vent or express your feelings as much as you want here.

I hope you can someday share your complete story becase it would seem that that would really help you! What about writing about it anonimously on a random blog? Wouldn't that be enough? Just some advice.

Anyway, whatever you need, feel free to pm me.

Hugs and love,

Matt

 

[Life_and_Death]

i understand the feeling. i cant talk about things either and every time i try to there dont seem to be any words for it have you tried maybe a journal and just blindly writing whatever you are thinking?

 

[signifying nothing]

I find it hard disclosing things too. If at all possible maybe try to deal with it in chunks, or in relation to a certain aspect or feeling that runs through your narrative? Or if all you can say right now is a single word, even that can be a starting point.