i want to be comforted but i don't really deserve it

[monetpompo]

i want to be loved by others
.
.
.​

i set up my noose after waking up in the middle of the night and stared at it from my bed. i already tried to hang myself in the afternoon but i was too afraid. i looked down at my phone sitting on top of my blanket. no one was awake and i never receive texts from anyone anymore, besides a kind friend i made here. in the morning, i don't think i'll feel any better. i might just wait for when the night comes again so i can hang myself again. the thought of that makes me feel pathetic. when i talk about suicide to people i always kind of want a coddling response, something that my mom would give me if she actually cared about me and didn't see me as a loser for being depressed. i want to eat a meal someone's made for me and be told that they don't see me as a burden.

i've been holed up in my room all day and haven't eaten. a part of me wishes that i was depressed because of some bigger, grander reason like a loss in my family or i got beaten in the street or whatever, but i just feel really lonely. and i can't get any better if i feel so lonely, because no one wants to have to comfort a lonely person over and over again. i just want to die to save people the trouble of caring about me, but i also want people to tell me not to die because they really do want me around. but it's been such a long time since i've felt wanted by anyone. since i've looked at anyone's face or received a text from someone and felt like they really did care about me and aren't tired of me.

i am in pain tonight, but my pain is anonymized and something that doesn't affect most people, since they don't know me well enough or at all. it's really hard for me to believe that people seriously, really, really mean it when they say that they would be sad if i ever died. because i don't think that my existence matters enough when i'm alive for people to care when i'm dead. when i'm dead, they can grieve but i won't be around to make them concerned anymore. i don't have anyone i can rely on right now and there's no one i can reach out to for comfort without embarrassing myself.

i can cry every night of this month but i don't think that it'll matter because there's no one that believes i'm going to get better. even if i'm gone, my slot as a person can be filled. i feel so inconsequential to other people's lives that it almost hurts to breathe. i don't know why i care so much. i don't know why i consider it so important to matter to people when i don't even matter to myself. if someone in my life cared about me, i would wonder why, since they must have other people in their life that aren't depressed and can talk to instead to me. i often feel like the worst person in people's lives at any given moment. i feel like a failure. i feel like a loser. and i feel incredibly embarrassed that i have such a strong desire to be in anyone's lives at all, because i'm ultimately someone that you replace.

i don't want to keep sitting with this feeling. i feel so guilty that i can't repress the way i feel and pretend i'm a normal person. i want to switch bodies with someone that desperately wants to live and have my soul be put into someone that's dying in a house fire or a car crash. i'm so afraid that every day is going to be the exact same as the next one. i'm worried that all i am is a melodramatic loser that needs to get a grip or no one is going to want to care about me in the first place. being suicidal doesn't make me deserving of being loved. i already know that i can't be loved by someone just because i'm suicidal. i'm not suicidal enough unless i'm already dead. you can love a dead person more than me. it'd be better if i was dead.

 

[Kari0499]

Me too

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

Even if you feel like you don't deserve compassion, even though I am a random person on the internet, I want to tell you that I really wish you the relief from all the pain. I hear you are in so much despair you never deserve. No matter what is waiting at the end of your journey, I hope it brings you the peace you are looking for. Much love

EDIT: broken English fixed

 

[58Alice85]

Why wouldn't you deserve it? I doubt you really are such an awful person

 

[CandyCane]

I'd love to comfort you and I wouldn't think a thing about if you deserved it or not. You are valuable no matter what your head is telling you.

 

[amomentspeace]

i want to be loved by others

chiikawa !!


I think you got stuck on donward spiral of loneliness and isolation which I identify with. The lonelier you are, the harder it is to try to escape it and then you get even more lonely. You are not replaceable, no one is. When you lower your self worth making friends becomes even harder and the cycle will keep repeating itself. If you still have hope in your beautiful soul you could try the Make a friend megathread, not a great solution but it's a start, I hope to see you around !! much love from me

 

[kuj00]

I am really sorry you feel this way, loneliness is a terrible way to end up on and even more when you feel this way. I hope you can get through things fast and sooner than you expect. You are loved.

There are a lot of communities of friends to keep you company around places like discord, Have you tried any of those? Lmk!

 

[getoutgirl]

Hey, just so you know, we do care. or hell I do. I'd be very sad if one day I find out you've hanged yourself, that I can tell you, remember I'm here whenever if you wanna vent or just chat about whatever, glad you have at least some people too, they make a whole world of difference, for me also, try to remember that, rely on those u have <3

If you want some comfort, I think you are cool, i love the way you type, u are silly and kind in spite of your suffering, and you are not a burden despite what shitty people might try to make you believe or the shitty brain might say, you are a kind and sweet dude and soul that deserves and can get a lot more than your current.
loneliness, lack of freedom, abysmal shitty family, and loneliness again are more than big reasons to be depressed af, as you are, don't underestimate them. you are VERY suicidal mind you, considering it on a daily. neither of us would want that for anyone(welike) so be kind to yourself whenever you are able, which I know it can't be always, but take the chances that pop up for it, people might make that easier too..

I always like seeing you around, a lot. I don't know you, which sucks, geography sucks some times. But know I mean it. Know you play that part in this rando's girl life of just making her a lil happier when u post, even if its of your pains, which I'm sorry for, I'm just glad each time to see u here :3
I mean that when I say it. So yeah, I want to still see u around and that you'd feel any better :)
I don't think that's out the question, but you'd need people to support u, even if it feels guilty, I so get that, I just don't think your brain is telling you much truth most days. Which sucks terribly, I can't feel what you are feeling I can only empathize a lot, but you've suffered more than what you might think others have. Which is a Lot.
If you can believe that. You deserve love regardless of what your shitty brain has to say about it. I don't think its playing on your side usually...

so, I guess this is all to say I care about you. trust my words there. I mean them. and if that helps any bit, any bit is worth it. i'll be annoying each time. You'll be a lot better alive, for others too, and once you get out of this shitstorm you have to deal with each day in and out your head. You are worth that. take that truth for however long the flame lasts, and I or I know a lot of other ppl here will give you another each time u need it. we need and have eachother here.
u take it easy ok, for today at least if you can. The biggest hugs your way <3<3<3

 

[monetpompo]

chiikawa !!

(this post is actually a PAID SPONSORSHIP. everyone needs to read chiikawa comics and BUY their PLUSHIES NOW!!) chiikawa has honestly been my main interest and thing that calms me down when i've been dealing with my suicidal thoughts. i like the creatures so much. the people i know in real life know how much i like them because i've been talking about it for months now.

I think you got stuck on donward spiral of loneliness and isolation which I identify with. The lonelier you are, the harder it is to try to escape it and then you get even more lonely. You are not replaceable, no one is. When you lower your self worth making friends becomes even harder and the cycle will keep repeating itself.

i've been thinking about how upset my line of thought makes me and how worried i am of being replaced, and that seeing myself as replaceable must make me less important in people's lives. it feels like an extremely lose-lose situation to be lonely because you start to perpetuate it and get lonelier because you're too afraid to get close to people. i feel like i don't want to trust people anymore, because i can't feel good enough and i don't want to disappoint anyone that expects me to be an interesting person. i feel like i'm cannibalizing myself by running away from people to avoid feeling more lonely.

Hey, just so you know, we do care. or hell I do. I'd be very sad if one day I find out you've hanged yourself, that I can tell you, remember I'm here whenever if you wanna vent or just chat about whatever, glad you have at least some people too, they make a whole world of difference, for me also, try to remember that, rely on those u have <3

i decided to reread this post's comments because i was upset again tonight and i was having the same urges. it's hard for me to think that there's people in the world that are capable of caring about me. i feel like such an awkward person a lot of the time because i don't fit in anywhere. i always feel vaguely sad when i leave my house and just want to go back home where no one can see me. i become significantly more comfortable with the idea of suicide when i feel like curling in on myself to avoid others. i've been told that i talk myself in circles a lot. i always assume people are just lying to me to save face or that they don't realize they hate me and i need to make them understand it. i've not been in contact with most people in my life while my loneliness has been getting worse, since i just don't want to have to explain to people that i'm lonely. all my friends are busy with college while i'n at home doing nothing. i'm never busy with anything since i spend all day thinking in my room. even if i spend all day in my room, people can still care about me, but i don't really understand it because they don't have to think about me if i'm not talking to them. i forget people stilll think of me when i'm not around, which is why i get surprised people would actually miss me if i died. i always imagine that i stop existing to people once i die.

so, I guess this is all to say I care about you. trust my words there. I mean them. and if that helps any bit, any bit is worth it. i'll be annoying each time. You'll be a lot better alive, for others too, and once you get out of this shitstorm you have to deal with each day in and out your head. You are worth that. take that truth for however long the flame lasts, and I or I know a lot of other ppl here will give you another each time u need it. we need and have eachother here

thank you again for your comments. it's surprising to still see you active, but i think it's just because i'm mostly reading posts in suicide discussion. i know that i'm some ways i'm torturing the people i know irl by telling them i want to commit suicide and that they shouldn't care about me, because i'm not important. it doesn't really put them in a fair spot and just pushes them away from me. i feel like i always try to make my situation worse before it has the chance to get worse. it's hard for me to wrap my mind around the concept that i can be loved by others but i can't push them away at the same time. i would tell someone in my situation that the people telling him not to kill himself obviously care, and he shouldn't doubt them. but i can't tell me that.

i feel guilty that i've been making more posts lately since i haven't been able to talk about my feelings with anyone. it's somewhat comforting to be somewhat recognizable here. i thought i'd be dead in may, but i'm still here. i'm really scared of next month being the same. i can't seem to relax enough at night. i have lots of fantasies about running away but i have nowhere to go.

 

[Pluto]

 

[amomentspeace]

(this post is actually a PAID SPONSORSHIP. everyone needs to read chiikawa comics and BUY their PLUSHIES NOW!!) chiikawa has honestly been my main interest and thing that calms me down when i've been dealing with my suicidal thoughts. i like the creatures so much. the people i know in real life know how much i like them because i've been talking about it for months now.

Very based and chiikawapilled my fave is hachiware

i've been thinking about how upset my line of thought makes me and how worried i am of being replaced, and that seeing myself as replaceable must make me less important in people's lives. it feels like an extremely lose-lose situation to be lonely because you start to perpetuate it and get lonelier because you're too afraid to get close to people. i feel like i don't want to trust people anymore, because i can't feel good enough and i don't want to disappoint anyone that expects me to be an interesting person. i feel like i'm cannibalizing myself by running away from people to avoid feeling more lonely.

The best moment to do something about it is now, I know it's hard since I'm dealing with the same but i encourage you to go find someone to talk to. Preferrably irl but this forum can be a start, it's easier to make a connection here. u are in my thoughts chiikawa friend

 

[monetpompo]

my fave is hachiware

hachiware is the best. he is my favorite little guy. i love how responsible and kind he is

​

I know it's hard since I'm dealing with the same but i encourage you to go find someone to talk to. Preferrably irl but this forum can be a start

i don't know how to meet anyone irl. i'm getting my license eventually so it's a start, but i just feel so awful and nervous that i don't know how to approach people. i take rejection really badly on dating apps and want to curl up in my room and die. they make me feel too stressed because i attach my self worth on how many people message me. i know that's not good either. i'm so afraid of being more and more lonely and it don't know what to do with myself. i don't really want to talk dm people on the forum, mostly because i think that it's easy to start talking about my depression too much and i feel like i'm burdening them. i really appreciate your comment anyway. i'm glad that you care and can relate to me.

 

[Redacted24]

This may sound very weird, please don't hate me.

Finding this community 2 years ago when I was looking for practical tips on early exit has turned into an unexpected direction for me.

After a while interacting with others here, I began to realize that my inner feelings - "those which may not be talked about" - were not as unique to me.

and since lots of others here had them too...I came to feel more comfortable with them. I still have them, and yeah still have the urge. And if I ever find a loaded firearm in the road while out walking, eh...

But back to my point. That feeling, the feeling that what I'm feeling is not unique, that I'm not alone with it, has actually made me more comfortable around others in the real world.

It's taken time to be sure. But, I know I can come back here to the safety of the community for reassurance if things get sideways in real life.

being here has helped me find confidence to interact with others.

Apologies for the long bout of logorrhea.
But we are here for you, too.