"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[Sir. Turnerkof]

It's been a very productive day, I managed to not escalate a problem with my parents and everything went cold in just some minutes, these problems are usually unprovoked and thus making me angry, i got angry today but i could manage it, I am becoming more self aware of my emotions and controlling them better, it was a good day

 

[Makoto]

Hello everyone, I hope you are well and have had a great day.

I have always wanted to commit suicide, but a few months ago I made the decision that suicide is no longer an option for me. So I'm trying my best to build a life, taking care of my responsibilities and being a good person. However sometimes I feel really bad (I guess we all have our own personal burden and we should carry it as best as we can) I don't have anyone to talk to about it, and that's why I created this account. I didn't create this account with the intention of venting exactly. But I would like to share with people who are going through similar things and are trying to live a life the best they can and support mutually.



After deciding suicide is no longer an option, I have had to face reality with the fact that I am not a woman. It has been difficult, very difficult. But I can't expect to live a life when I'm full of resentment and hatred towards myself. I never made any type of transition, neither hormonal nor social (one of the things I hated the most about myself was my personality). I respect people who decide to transition, but I always had a lot of homophobia due to my environment(and cowardice) and that's why I didn't even dare to come out of the closet. This is why a transition would never work for me. My problem isn't exactly how I look, it's that I hate the way I am. What I did all my life was completely dissociate my personality, both in public and alone. Forcing myself all the time to be another person, with another tastes and another attitudes, even anoter way of thinking. I began to feel a lot of dysphoria after my adolescence that has followed me to this day...

I came to the conclusion, because of all this, that if I was going to have a life I should learn to be happy like a man. But I couldn't continue dissociating my personality, forcing myself to be someone I'm not. I had to accept myself, accept that it's okay for me to be the way I am, even as a man. I had to forgive myself for treating myself so badly, and accept myself... And that's what I've been trying to do these last few weeks.

I have made a lot of progress and I don't feel as much dysphoria as often and my social anxiety is decreasing... although I haven't changed the way I look, but I have changed the way I treat myself. Now when I feel like doing something or saying something that I would never have allowed myself to do before, I remind myself where that attitude take me... and I allow myself to do things the way I feel I want to do (before, I didn't even allow myself to think freely, the slightest thought that crossed my mind that I considered "feminine", was reason to scold myself)



Although it have had their ups and downs, the last few weeks have been mostly positive. I'm learning to live with myself. I feel like I'll be able to stop being a mess and then I'll be able to take care of the people I love and have a life of my own... maybe then find a partner and start a family by myself(at least now I see a future... and that, honestly, makes me want to cry with joy).

Sorry for the long post, I didn't think I would have so much to write.... I read it, and it's all so confusing that I don't even understand it myself haha.

Love and strength.

 

[Sir. Turnerkof]

Hello everyone, I hope you are well and have had a great day.

I have always wanted to commit suicide, but a few months ago I made the decision that suicide is no longer an option for me. So I'm trying my best to build a life, taking care of my responsibilities and being a good person. However sometimes I feel really bad (I guess we all have our own personal burden and we should carry it as best as we can) I don't have anyone to talk to about it, and that's why I created this account. I didn't create this account with the intention of venting exactly. But I would like to share with people who are going through similar things and are trying to live a life the best they can and support mutually.



After deciding suicide is no longer an option, I have had to face reality with the fact that I am not a woman. It has been difficult, very difficult. But I can't expect to live a life when I'm full of resentment and hatred towards myself. I never made any type of transition, neither hormonal nor social (one of the things I hated the most about myself was my personality). I respect people who decide to transition, but I always had a lot of homophobia due to my environment(and cowardice) and that's why I didn't even dare to come out of the closet. This is why a transition would never work for me. My problem isn't exactly how I look, it's that I hate the way I am. What I did all my life was completely dissociate my personality, both in public and alone. Forcing myself all the time to be another person, with another tastes and another attitudes, even anoter way of thinking. I began to feel a lot of dysphoria after my adolescence that has followed me to this day...

I came to the conclusion, because of all this, that if I was going to have a life I should learn to be happy like a man. But I couldn't continue dissociating my personality, forcing myself to be someone I'm not. I had to accept myself, accept that it's okay for me to be the way I am, even as a man. I had to forgive myself for treating myself so badly, and accept myself... And that's what I've been trying to do these last few weeks.

I have made a lot of progress and I don't feel as much dysphoria as often and my social anxiety is decreasing... although I haven't changed the way I look, but I have changed the way I treat myself. Now when I feel like doing something or saying something that I would never have allowed myself to do before, I remind myself where that attitude take me... and I allow myself to do things the way I feel I want to do (before, I didn't even allow myself to think freely, the slightest thought that crossed my mind that I considered "feminine", was reason to scold myself)



Although it have had their ups and downs, the last few weeks have been mostly positive. I'm learning to live with myself. I feel like I'll be able to stop being a mess and then I'll be able to take care of the people I love and have a life of my own... maybe then find a partner and start a family by myself(at least now I see a future... and that, honestly, makes me want to cry with joy).

Sorry for the long post, I didn't think I would have so much to write.... I read it, and it's all so confusing that I don't even understand it myself haha.

Love and strength.

I find difficult to understand other people but you're very strong for that, I am proud of you
Today was a bit deppresing, some little bad thoughts and paranoia are coming this way, hopefully i am trying to get my mind cold again, hope i can make it

 

[Makoto]

I find difficult to understand other people but you're very strong for that, I am proud of you
Today was a bit deppresing, some little bad thoughts and paranoia are coming this way, hopefully i am trying to get my mind cold again, hope i can make it

common, you have this, you are a strong person.

 

[HighFlight]

common, you have this, you are a strong person.

And so do you!

Hello @Makoto, and welcome to the thread.

It's a lot to take in, and dysphoria is difficult. I'm sorry you're going through that, but in the end, it sounds like you're handling very well. My daughter is suffering from it, and as a parent, it's very difficult to watch, especially knowing there is nothing you can do to fix it. I just do my best to support her.

Wishing you all the best, and hope you will keep posting to provide updates on how you're doing, seek support, and bring that positive energy to a place where everyone needs some positivity.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Hi and welcome @Makoto

 

[Makoto]

Hi and welcome @Makoto

hi, thanks

And so do you!

Hello @Makoto, and welcome to the thread.

It's a lot to take in, and dysphoria is difficult. I'm sorry you're going through that, but in the end, it sounds like you're handling very well. My daughter is suffering from it, and as a parent, it's very difficult to watch, especially knowing there is nothing you can do to fix it. I just do my best to support her.

Wishing you all the best, and hope you will keep posting to provide updates on how you're doing, seek support, and bring that positive energy to a place where everyone needs some positivity.

I'm sorry for your daughter, but I'm glad she has you... it helps a lot to have people who love you around to help. I wish you and her the best.


This week I have been very isolated, due to emotional instability... I don't like to be around people when I am so unstable. So I've taken the time to read some books that I wanted to read, and well... reading is great, and it helps me calm down the ideas in my head.

I hope you are well and I wish you all the strength in the world.

 

[Sir. Turnerkof]

I got severely sick... maybe that's why I can't think clearly, I will have to spent money... I was saving to build a pc and pay my studies but ughhh

My mind feels weak and weird... and I have a very intense pain in my bowels and muscles and head...

I will check a doctor nearby but i will have to spend money and that's what it hurts the most lol, but what gives.

Hope everyone has a nice weekend! and sprry for not posting everyday I am very very tired too... weirdly tired

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I got severely sick... maybe that's why I can't think clearly, I will have to spent money... I was saving to build a pc and pay my studies but ughhh

My mind feels weak and weird... and I have a very intense pain in my bowels and muscles and head...

I will check a doctor nearby but i will have to spend money and that's what it hurts the most lol, but what gives.

Hope everyone has a nice weekend! and sprry for not posting everyday I am very very tired too... weirdly tired

I'm sorry you're sick. Don't you have health insurance where you live? I hope you get well soon and the doc doesn't charge too much.

 

[Sir. Turnerkof]

I'm sorry you're sick. Don't you have health insurance where you live? I hope you get well soon and the doc doesn't charge too much.

I don't, in my job there's no contract (because i work for my parents lolz), but that's ok I just need to save for a few days and I'll go to the doctor.
I feel better today, but i will still check it out, thanks a lot for asking

Today was very quick, hope i can do the stuff i need to do tomorrow finally

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I don't, in my job there's no contract (because i work for my parents lolz),

That's such a big advantage for you!!!

 

[stillunemployed]

I apologize for not writing these past few days. I am employed now and the feeling is good and I hope it will stay somewhere there abouts.

It's a lot of work, I am now much busier since I am trying to maintain my exercise regimen as well. Also I will need to prepare to go back to school to finally get a degree.

I will say it plainly: this forum is just too depressing for me now and this feeling used to quite addictive, but it does not serve me now. I need to go forward.
I will try to be active, if only for the people posting in this thread, because I care about you deeply and am very worried about all of you.

I'll much more active on discord channels, it's a chiller place. If anyone wants an invite I can send you a pm.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I am employed now and the feeling is good and I hope it will stay somewhere there abouts.

That's super good news! Congrats on the new job! I'm glad you were lucky - finally! Good luck!!

and as usual, gorgeous photos!!!

 

[Sir. Turnerkof]

That's such a big advantage for you!!!

I work 70 hours a week and I make like 15 dollars a day (My country minimun wage) and my mother always reminds me I don't do anything in her eyes but at the same time she tells me I am the fastest...

common, you have this, you are a strong person.

I don't know, it may be maniac depression
Today it was alright, almost lost it but i am still up

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I work 70 hours a week and I make like 15 dollars a day (My country minimun wage) and my mother always reminds me I don't do anything in her eyes but at the same time she tells me I am the fastest...

I don't know, it may be maniac deppresion
Today it was alright, almost lost it but i am still up

70h a week for 15$ a day. You don't need to reveal where you actually live but that sounds like a "3rd world country". But what I meant with advantage is - you can work in the family business that's totally different than working as just an employee in any other business. Your family most likely won't fire you!

I don't know, it may be maniac depression
Today it was alright, almost lost it but i am still up

 

[Sir. Turnerkof]

70h a week for 15$ a day. You don't need to reveal where you actually live but that sounds like a "3rd world country". But what I meant with advantage is - you can work in the family business that's totally different than working as just an employee in any other business. Your family most likely won't fire you!

Yeah but sadly today it was very shit, my mother told me i should share a room with my sister bf (he is 16) and i would need to move a lot of stuff and sell it, stuff i need and i didn't planned to sell so soon, ofc i was already planning to rent a place with this guy, 2 bedrooms so we could have more space and the rent wouldn't be so expensive for either of us, but he said he didn't wanted anymore and he wants to stay in our house (his mother abandoned him with us kinda) and know i have to get a place and it will fuck up my savings

I was planning to move to the USA like maybe in later January or February to save a little bit more of money but my mother told me she needs me because they're going to open other foodstand and they need me... and besides someone told me now I actually need more than 3K dollars to safely start a life in USA and I will prob need 10K more and that's insane, I will need to save a fuckton of money and rent will suck it all, literally I will not be able to save any money at all, and if I do get a second job I will be massively tired and I won't be able to keep drawing and learning Italian and my guitar, I will just be there and I won't be able to make it... I won't be able to make it...

My mother prefers to help a fucking stranger rather than me. it always been like this anyways, that's why I am so tired of this country and everybody....

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Yeah but sadly today it was very shit, my mother told me i should share a room with my sister bf (he is 16) and i would need to move a lot of stuff and sell it, stuff i need and i didn't planned to sell so soon, ofc i was already planning to rent a place with this guy, 2 bedrooms so we could have more space and the rent wouldn't be so expensive for either of us, but he said he didn't wanted anymore and he wants to stay in our house (his mother abandoned him with us kinda) and know i have to get a place and it will fuck up my savings

Sounds difficult and selling own stuff if we don't want to sell it, sucks.

I was planning to move to the USA like maybe in later January or February to save a little bit more of money but my mother told me she needs me because they're going to open other foodstand and they need me... and besides someone told me now I actually need more than 3K dollars to safely start a life in USA and I will prob need 10K more and that's insane, I will need to save a fuckton of money and rent will suck it all, literally I will not be able to save any money at all, and if I do get a second job I will be massively tired and I won't be able to keep drawing and learning Italian and my guitar, I will just be there and I won't be able to make it... I won't be able to make it...

Emigrating isn't an easy task and I would say even 10k USD aren't that much anymore in the US.

My mother prefers to help a fucking stranger rather than me. it always been like this anyways, that's why I am so tired of this country and everybody....

That sucks! She should support you.

 

[stillunemployed]

good morning

 

[Makoto]

I apologize for not writing these past few days. I am employed now and the feeling is good and I hope it will stay somewhere there abouts.

It's a lot of work, I am now much busier since I am trying to maintain my exercise regimen as well. Also I will need to prepare to go back to school to finally get a degree.

I will say it plainly: this forum is just too depressing for me now and this feeling used to quite addictive, but it does not serve me now. I need to go forward.
I will try to be active, if only for the people posting in this thread, because I care about you deeply and am very worried about all of you.

I'll much more active on discord channels, it's a chiller place. If anyone wants an invite I can send you a pm.

You seem to be moving forward with your life... I'm so happy for you, and the photos are incredible. I love sunset and country images

 

[Sir. Turnerkof]

Sounds difficult and selling own stuff if we don't want to sell it, sucks.


Emigrating isn't an easy task and I would say even 10k USD aren't that much anymore in the US.


That sucks! She should support you.

Yeah, i'd need at least a year and another job for me to keep up with my rent and everything and that would be fucked

I already work 70 hours a week, having another job at least a half time one like 6 hours, have a free day each week would be like 106 hours a week, I hope my health helps my mind not to easily break... A year with only 4 hours of sleep can cause many mental health issues... But is a risk I am willing to take.....
Love all of you

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Yeah, i'd need at least a year and another job for me to keep up with my rent and everything and that would be fucked

I already work 70 hours a week, having another job at least a half time one like 6 hours, have a free day each week would be like 106 hours a week, I hope my health helps my mind not to easily break... A year with only 4 hours of sleep can cause many mental health issues... But is a risk I am willing to take.....
Love all of you

I understand that you're willing to take the risk and I would say the younger you are the better you can manage this risk but always keep in mind that if your a (mental) wreck at the time you achieved your goal it's still worth nothing. I wish I could help you. I hope you can achieve your goals and everything you wish for in your life! Good luck with whatever you gonna do!

 

[Sir. Turnerkof]

I understand that you're willing to take the risk and I would say the younger you are the better you can manage this risk but always keep in mind that if your a (mental) wreck at the time you achieved your goal it's still worth nothing. I wish I could help you. I hope you can achieve your goals and everything you wish for in your life! Good luck with whatever you gonna do!

Thanks a lot, I appreciate your words, I am 19 so I guess with a new healthy diet (no more chicken and rice only lol) and add cardio exercise I will do it well, thanks a lot hope you do swell too, best of luck

Today was kinda nice

 

[stillunemployed]

good morning

 

[Sir. Turnerkof]

Goodnight!

 

[Night_Crew]

I'm really not doing well at the moment. It seems somewhat pathetic, but 3-4 years ago, following the end of a 10 year relationship, my life collapsed. I've since done some things I'm really ashamed about and keep secret. I've isolated myself from everyone and seem to be caught in a loop which ends up with me back here every few weeks. I'm 34 and am pathetic. I would do anything to feel better, but only get temporary respite from drugs and if I'm lucky, sleep.

 

[Sir. Turnerkof]

I'm really not doing well at the moment. It seems somewhat pathetic, but 3-4 years ago, following the end of a 10 year relationship, my life collapsed. I've since done some things I'm really ashamed about and keep secret. I've isolated myself from everyone and seem to be caught in a loop which ends up with me back here every few weeks. I'm 34 and am pathetic. I would do anything to feel better, but only get temporary respite from drugs and if I'm lucky, sleep.

You shouldn't feel pathetic, ending a 10 year relationship is very tough, and for the loop i can relate, i was in one before and i am getting out rn and the only thing i can say is that you need to keep trying, every smaller step counts because each smaller step you do will lead to a bigger step
Just don't let negative thoughts overwhelm you, keep thinking you will get out of it and think of each smaller step you take and feel proud of it
You can do it

Today was a tired, kinda deppresing day, but I know tomorrow i will feel better

 

[Sir. Turnerkof]

I just feel weird, but i will keep trying

 

[LoneMarineBitterman]

I can feel within myself a sense of worry and panic arising. It's been fairly easy to mark off finishing school as a later me issue, something to worry about when I actually get there. "I've still got three terms!", pretty quickly turned into two and then one. Now I'm in the last week of term three. It's starting to scare me that there's one final set of holidays and then it's exam period.
I obviously fear the exams themselves—all of the revision and worry of doing good on them, but I also fear the change of routine. I've never not been doing school. I've never not been in a very regulated, familiar environment. It seems pretty silly to mention, because usually the routine is replaced with either tertiary study or work but... It still worries me.

The suicidal element surrounding everything also doesn't help. It's not just that I don't know what I want to do after school, I struggle to know how much I want to live. It feels hard to want to push for the exams, when in my head I can't remove the idea that I could just end up taking my own life in 3, 6, or 12 months after school. Then it seems dumb to not go for it in the event I keep living. I'm well aware the exams and their scores don't dictate a life and that there's a lot of pathways into higher education or specialised work regardless of how you do. I guess for me it just makes sense to give it a good crack while I'm here; I'm just not sure if I can or maybe even want to.

This is just a bit of a vent or rant I suppose, a written expression of my feelings.
To end on a different note: I started playing a custom megawad (complete set of 32 levels), for the original Doom 2 last night. It's pretty enjoyable. I personally like levels that emulate (or at least take big cues from) the original 1994 ones and the wad does a very good job of doing that.

 

[HighFlight]

Wow, it seems like this thread has begun to die off. It's been a little over a year since Venin started this. We've seen many people come and go, and the nature of the discussions has changed over time. But it's always been here for me. I'm a little sad to see it slow down.

Last year, in the spirit of this threads intent, I vowed...

I vow to continue to search for my life purpose - my reason for living which was abruptly stolen from me a few years ago.

Well, I continue to search, and spend my days between working, supporting my children with own MH issues, and keeping a dying marriage alive. Maybe that is my life's purpose, but it doesn't feel like it's enough.

Good news - The 'kids' are both doing better, one significantly so. As they grow older and less dependent, I'm not sure where that leaves me. Am I close to completing my work here?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not pulling the plug on either myself or this thread. But I do want to make sure we can provide a safe, supportive space for people to talk, vent, share ideas. Post about what's going well, and whats not working for you. Talk your fears, excitement, sadness, and joy.

So if this current method isn't working for you, please pass along some ideas on how we can improve. Ironically, the forum has a large collection of Recovery resources

I wish you all a little peace on our journey through this lifetime.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

@HighFlight Yeah, the thread activity slowed down recently. Unfortunately, we don't know whether it's positive or negative but I hope that everyone here found a way to recover and they got their lives in order again. That is what we can and should hope for if people stop posting here in the recovery section.

I've got nothing much to say here either. I'm kinda recovered but it's not a real recovery. Things only got better on the surface bc I stopped fighting and my problems aren't solved at all.

The actual reason is only things didn't get worse. That's not a strong recovery base rather it's a fragile situation that can become much worse again with the slightest thing that disturbed the tranquility.