advanced-ideator
New Member
- May 16, 2025
- 3
I've been severely depressed and unable to concentrate on anything for about five and a half years now. Before that I was mild to moderately depressed for my whole life I think.
I feel very little emotion, and the only time it's strong is when I'm suicidal or feeling extra alone. In addition I feel very little empathy or understanding of other people, yet I crave social connection. I feel alone no matter what I've tried. If I ever felt empathy I think it left me before kindergarden. I usually end up saying something stupid or hurtful to people anyways and that makes them not want to talk to me.
I also don't enjoy doing things by myself.
I've tried a bunch of things: group cbt for anxiety/depression, meds and meds and meds, no meds, HRT (although my levels are not perfect still), exercise, good diet, as close as i can get to a good sleep schedule (i always wake up too early and have poor quality sleep), make friends, do stuff even if i don't want to, start a hobby, and probably more.
I haven't been able to tell my psychiatrist most of this because i get too scared to the point where i forget or am mentally incapable of sharing.
I think I have some type of dissociative disorder too, because my memory is utter dogshit. I sometimes forget the beginning of a sentence by the time i'm at the end. I will repeat the same thing multiple times to somebody without realising when they haven't expressed interest in it, sometimes more than 10 times. I will forget that somebody expressed disinterest in something or that something i did made them uncomfortable. I'll forget most of their interests, i can't remember when someone does express interest in a topic. Somebody will express interest in something and I won't realise until the next day, or they'll say something and I won't understand what they meant by it until a few days later and by then it's long past.
Where the fuck do I start? I can't even play video games in my past time because i forget the whole story leading up to where I left off.
I feel very little emotion, and the only time it's strong is when I'm suicidal or feeling extra alone. In addition I feel very little empathy or understanding of other people, yet I crave social connection. I feel alone no matter what I've tried. If I ever felt empathy I think it left me before kindergarden. I usually end up saying something stupid or hurtful to people anyways and that makes them not want to talk to me.
I also don't enjoy doing things by myself.
I've tried a bunch of things: group cbt for anxiety/depression, meds and meds and meds, no meds, HRT (although my levels are not perfect still), exercise, good diet, as close as i can get to a good sleep schedule (i always wake up too early and have poor quality sleep), make friends, do stuff even if i don't want to, start a hobby, and probably more.
I haven't been able to tell my psychiatrist most of this because i get too scared to the point where i forget or am mentally incapable of sharing.
I think I have some type of dissociative disorder too, because my memory is utter dogshit. I sometimes forget the beginning of a sentence by the time i'm at the end. I will repeat the same thing multiple times to somebody without realising when they haven't expressed interest in it, sometimes more than 10 times. I will forget that somebody expressed disinterest in something or that something i did made them uncomfortable. I'll forget most of their interests, i can't remember when someone does express interest in a topic. Somebody will express interest in something and I won't realise until the next day, or they'll say something and I won't understand what they meant by it until a few days later and by then it's long past.
Where the fuck do I start? I can't even play video games in my past time because i forget the whole story leading up to where I left off.
