Story I'm Still Here Kids!

[GarageKarate07]

STORY TIME!! (BELOW)

RECAP TIME!!
I am still having SI (suicide ideation) and I am living my life as happily as I can with my high anxiety, depression, & bad health. I have been here since about late '20 I think. My emotions are very dark most of the time. I am treating my life like its always the last day & "celebrating" every moment like it's my last meal, last desert, last car ride etc. Instead of finding reasons to live I only keep finding more reasons to die & get the hell outofthis place. I was always posting spiritual posts about life in the afterlife & how we as suicides are forgiven (not biblically but just spiritually) & it's really ok if we "decide" to go. I do this in an effort to help & I know it's not for everybody. So if you see one of my posts I hope it gives you some comfort. Anyway I'm still here.

STORY TIME!!!
I was here learning & sharing things with the other members here & trying to help & listen & give advice if I felt it would help. I'm not perfect but I try to help. Meanwhile I was making my own plans to leave & I am still not far from those same emotions now. We all have our own reasons for wanting to go. I ruined my health & planned my method out & practiced until I was sure I got it right.

I decided not to at that time & instead went to seek help. I have a very "low" opinion of "help" & I'm sure most here feel the same way. So, I went to the mental ward for 2 weeks & they gave me "meds". Then I went to a recovery home for about 2 months where I was supervised & had time to recover and think about things. The good news is I got fat so at least I have been eating. From the recovery home I went to another transitional home & I have been here for a long time now. I got a chip from AA which was actually kind of nice. 12 steps is a strange place but the people are nice. I have seen a lot being here but I think I'm the only suicide. Mostly it's substance dependencies & people with social problems.

I have seen fights & screaming & shoes thrown & some of the residents have even told the "staff" to go to hell. I'm not going to lie sometimes these things are really funny & we all get a kick out of it. I know that's a little mean but maybe you have to be there. One of our residents went to the hospital for blood sugar & then just last night my roommate had an accident & a seizure & went to the hospital. This is actually why I decided to write today. I hope he is ok. He had a previous brain injury & he was lost in a small town for 2 years & his family thought he was "missing" but he just had severe amnesia.
So now my room is quiet & I hope I don't get a real shitty roommate if my roommate doesn't come back after hospital.

My point is there IS help. If you really really feel alone THERE IS HELP. Granted its not the best & needs heavy heavy improvement but it's out there. My advice would be to learn to play "the game". It shouldn't be that way but here we are. Of course this is also stateside as I've heard from members here that some places have much better resources. All in all it wasn't so bad. I've learned a lot of self improvement methods & how to better cope with my emotions & anxieties. I have a therapist & I go to AA. I'm 40 & it seems real hard for me to "start over" but I'm giving it my best. I'm kinda sorta pretty sure things will turn out ok a little. I didn't think this was possible for me just 6 months ago.

I know this could have gone to recovery but I am still actively SI. I posted here just so it might help some of you. Also don't be afraid to reach out for help here in SS. Keep your heads up & if you can find any strength try & give it another go. ❤

 

[bed]

I am glad you're improving but I don't think there is help for everybody.

I have tried too many meds to count. I have tried therapy a few times. I have tried other means such as psychs. I just have too many problems.

I refuse to play the game any longer.

 

[forgotten15]

I am glad you're improving but I don't think there is help for everybody.

It took me some time to realise that, but when I finally did I somehow found a bit of peace.
I had a clear image of the fact that no matter what I try to do, things won't be better for me. That is right, help is not for everyone, it may make things a bit better temporary but that is not enough. Some of us are not meant for this life so there's nothing that can help with that.
But I am happy for people who actually benefit from therapy and feel a positive change in their life

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm pleased for you that things are getting better. It sounds like you have been through a lot. I agree with the others that sometimes there is nothing that can help and that is my situation. Nothing will make me want to live and it is the way I am. I would rather just not exist at all. I wish you the best, I hope things continue to go well for you.

 

[GarageKarate07]

I am glad you're improving but I don't think there is help for everybody.

I have tried too many meds to count. I have tried therapy a few times. I have tried other means such as psychs. I just have too many problems.

I refuse to play the game any longer.

I agree. There is not help for everybody. This world is very very harsh & sonetimes it seems like a better idea to just go. Things seem to obly be getting worse on top of that. It can leave us in some really dark places.

It took me some time to realise that, but when I finally did I somehow found a bit of peace.
I had a clear image of the fact that no matter what I try to do, things won't be better for me. That is right, help is not for everyone, it may make things a bit better temporary but that is not enough. Some of us are not meant for this life so there's nothing that can help with that.
But I am happy for people who actually benefit from therapy and feel a positive change in their life

I agree. Finding good help is only circumstantial. It shouldnt be this way & so many good people who really mean well are lost to suicide, depression & so on.

I'm pleased for you that things are getting better. It sounds like you have been through a lot. I agree with the others that sometimes there is nothing that can help and that is my situation. Nothing will make me want to live and it is the way I am. I would rather just not exist at all. I wish you the best, I hope things continue to go well for you.

Even with all the help I have been getting this year I myself still want to die. I honestly don't think there is much I would miss in this world. I'm trying to heal but the reasons that most of us want to just die are much more heavy than any type of "therapy".