Sinai Silence
I think I'ma die alone inside my room
- Jul 6, 2020
- 810
So it has been three days now and I'm still really struggling to find the words to put here.
At 08:23 I received the last ever message from @harkovv after she took her second dose of SN. I'm happy she found the peace she was looking for, but I'm already missing her a lot. She didn't want to make a goodbye thread and due to partner complications she didn't get to leave at the time she wanted. She didn't want to be alone when she left this world so I tried my best to support her in her final moments.
For the short time I knew her she kept me company, we laughed and we cried together. I don't know if she would've appreciated me making this post for her but I feel she should be remembered. One of her favorite manga turned movie is Helter Skelter. She had a quote from it which really resonated with her; "Being forgotten is the same as being dead. I'm afraid of dying, but I'm also terrified of being forgotten..." So I decided to make this so she wouldn't be forgotten, I don't want her to be forgotten.
It was no secret that she idolized and adored the Japanese wrestler Hana Kimura and was a huge fan of wrestling in general. "Nearly 100 frank opinions every day. I couldn't deny that I was hurt. I'm dead. Thank you for giving me a mother. It was a life I wanted to be loved. Thank you to everyone who supported me. I love it. I'm weak, I'm sorry. I don't want to be a human anymore. It was a life I wanted to be loved." That was Hana's last post before she ctb and I believe this resonated with her a lot. She wanted to be loved and understood by family and friends, to find a soulmate; this life unfortunately didn't give her what she wanted. Julia told me that if it was possible to meet Hana on the other side how much she was looking forward to it. She wanted to ask her why she left so soon and if it was the right decision for her and what her favorite color and place was. I hope that her wishes were fulfilled, I'm sure they would get along very well.
Julia spent a lot of her time collecting wrestling and anime merchandise and when it came around to her de-cluttering she felt very reluctant to get rid of it all. One of the pieces of wrestling merchandise she bought originally for around 20 dollars went for 250 when she sold it. She purchased a bunch of anime merchandise but it unfortunately didn't arrive before she ctb, it contained a lot that I didn't recognise and some from Jojo; which is her favorite anime. She also enjoyed watching anime such as; Mononoke (tv series), Panty & Stocking, Kuuchu Buranko, Ponyo and the Millionaire Detective. We were going to watch some but never got round to it, hopefully there's some chance in the next life to catch up on stuff to watch.
Julia was also a big fan of tattoos, her favorite from the nine she has was the portrait of Bruce Lee on her arm, another big idol of hers. Julia and her grandfather used to watch all the Bruce Lee movies when she was young together. Her favorite was Enter the Dragon, they liked to talk about Bruce's fighting style, his life and mantras. She looked fondly back on that time. I'm sure her they are happy to see her too. "To understand your fear is the beginning of really seeing." This quote hits me so hard, in her final hours she was so calm and collected. On the other hand I struggled to keep my composure, I hope in my final hours I have at least half of the courage she had. The months leading up to it she told me how anxious she was to ctb and how hard her SI was hitting her on certain days. When it came to the day it was like a switch flipped in her mind and all her pain and anxiety was gone.
She was studying Norwegian at university, she truly loved Norway and wanted to leave Poland so badly. She also loved visiting Berlin and went several times by herself and still managed to make friends out there although she could hardly speak German. She loved going to concerts and visiting the Berlin Zoo and seeing the penguins. Her favorite animal is the capybara though which is the best choice of rodent in my opinion, such awesome looking creatures. Her favorite flower is the Iris and her favorite book is Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami which I sincerely recommend if someone is looking for something new to read.
Julia left this world listening to Gøb eller Rosa and Joji - Will He. Joji's music has always resonated with me and I've been lucky enough to see him live, Julia has brought a new meaning to his music for me now, one I will cherish for the rest of the time I'm here. She was also a huge fan of Joji's Filthy Frank days and watching it was always a laugh. I'm listening to this mix on repeat at the moment, the tears keep filling my eyes but I smile too.
She wanted her favorite frog plushy in her coffin with her, I hope her mother at least listened to her on that request. She wasn't able to find the love and support she needed in this life, I hope she is able to find it in next. She wanted me to pray for her in her final moments and although I'm not religious I prayed like the Rapture was about to come. She was even laughing and joking in her final hours, whilst I was struggling not to break down in tears. She truly was such a strong person I don't know how she did it.
I want you to know I wish I could've done better and there's things I wish I did differently. I think you would tell me I tried my best though just to make me stop feeling sorry for myself :) You have truly helped me more than I can put into words, it was a privilege to get to know you for the time I did. You made my time left in this world more bearable, I hope I was able to reciprocate the same for you. You deserved so much more from this world you are such an honest and kind person I wish I was able to talk more with you, but I'm happy to know you're at peace now. I look forward to be able to talk with you again. May love and light guide you through the next life. Rest in peace Julia
At 08:23 I received the last ever message from @harkovv after she took her second dose of SN. I'm happy she found the peace she was looking for, but I'm already missing her a lot. She didn't want to make a goodbye thread and due to partner complications she didn't get to leave at the time she wanted. She didn't want to be alone when she left this world so I tried my best to support her in her final moments.
For the short time I knew her she kept me company, we laughed and we cried together. I don't know if she would've appreciated me making this post for her but I feel she should be remembered. One of her favorite manga turned movie is Helter Skelter. She had a quote from it which really resonated with her; "Being forgotten is the same as being dead. I'm afraid of dying, but I'm also terrified of being forgotten..." So I decided to make this so she wouldn't be forgotten, I don't want her to be forgotten.
It was no secret that she idolized and adored the Japanese wrestler Hana Kimura and was a huge fan of wrestling in general. "Nearly 100 frank opinions every day. I couldn't deny that I was hurt. I'm dead. Thank you for giving me a mother. It was a life I wanted to be loved. Thank you to everyone who supported me. I love it. I'm weak, I'm sorry. I don't want to be a human anymore. It was a life I wanted to be loved." That was Hana's last post before she ctb and I believe this resonated with her a lot. She wanted to be loved and understood by family and friends, to find a soulmate; this life unfortunately didn't give her what she wanted. Julia told me that if it was possible to meet Hana on the other side how much she was looking forward to it. She wanted to ask her why she left so soon and if it was the right decision for her and what her favorite color and place was. I hope that her wishes were fulfilled, I'm sure they would get along very well.
Julia spent a lot of her time collecting wrestling and anime merchandise and when it came around to her de-cluttering she felt very reluctant to get rid of it all. One of the pieces of wrestling merchandise she bought originally for around 20 dollars went for 250 when she sold it. She purchased a bunch of anime merchandise but it unfortunately didn't arrive before she ctb, it contained a lot that I didn't recognise and some from Jojo; which is her favorite anime. She also enjoyed watching anime such as; Mononoke (tv series), Panty & Stocking, Kuuchu Buranko, Ponyo and the Millionaire Detective. We were going to watch some but never got round to it, hopefully there's some chance in the next life to catch up on stuff to watch.
Julia was also a big fan of tattoos, her favorite from the nine she has was the portrait of Bruce Lee on her arm, another big idol of hers. Julia and her grandfather used to watch all the Bruce Lee movies when she was young together. Her favorite was Enter the Dragon, they liked to talk about Bruce's fighting style, his life and mantras. She looked fondly back on that time. I'm sure her they are happy to see her too. "To understand your fear is the beginning of really seeing." This quote hits me so hard, in her final hours she was so calm and collected. On the other hand I struggled to keep my composure, I hope in my final hours I have at least half of the courage she had. The months leading up to it she told me how anxious she was to ctb and how hard her SI was hitting her on certain days. When it came to the day it was like a switch flipped in her mind and all her pain and anxiety was gone.
She was studying Norwegian at university, she truly loved Norway and wanted to leave Poland so badly. She also loved visiting Berlin and went several times by herself and still managed to make friends out there although she could hardly speak German. She loved going to concerts and visiting the Berlin Zoo and seeing the penguins. Her favorite animal is the capybara though which is the best choice of rodent in my opinion, such awesome looking creatures. Her favorite flower is the Iris and her favorite book is Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami which I sincerely recommend if someone is looking for something new to read.
Julia left this world listening to Gøb eller Rosa and Joji - Will He. Joji's music has always resonated with me and I've been lucky enough to see him live, Julia has brought a new meaning to his music for me now, one I will cherish for the rest of the time I'm here. She was also a huge fan of Joji's Filthy Frank days and watching it was always a laugh. I'm listening to this mix on repeat at the moment, the tears keep filling my eyes but I smile too.
She wanted her favorite frog plushy in her coffin with her, I hope her mother at least listened to her on that request. She wasn't able to find the love and support she needed in this life, I hope she is able to find it in next. She wanted me to pray for her in her final moments and although I'm not religious I prayed like the Rapture was about to come. She was even laughing and joking in her final hours, whilst I was struggling not to break down in tears. She truly was such a strong person I don't know how she did it.
I want you to know I wish I could've done better and there's things I wish I did differently. I think you would tell me I tried my best though just to make me stop feeling sorry for myself :) You have truly helped me more than I can put into words, it was a privilege to get to know you for the time I did. You made my time left in this world more bearable, I hope I was able to reciprocate the same for you. You deserved so much more from this world you are such an honest and kind person I wish I was able to talk more with you, but I'm happy to know you're at peace now. I look forward to be able to talk with you again. May love and light guide you through the next life. Rest in peace Julia
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