
no 4mat
Member
- Oct 17, 2020
- 54
hello everyone! 
I'm not a native so forgive me if my English was bad :p
it all started decade ago.. let me clarify that i live in a "conservative" country in middle East, my parents especially mom raised me to be a devotee religious person.. I was pure and happy. maybe.
i became 14 years old, graduated middle school, my dad bought me a phone and internet cable in home..
it started here.
i was curious about the world, i never left home because my parents are poor so the internet was huge thing to me... I started to learn my English through it, installed Meeting apps and I was shocked that some women were interested in me (i had no idea what sex was even, I was illiterate)
you know dopamine addiction right? this stuff makes you.. change..
Fast forward after 4 years, I became a social outcast, my looks (luckily) could always attract friendships opportunities but my mentality as an 18 years old was almost like a 12yo.
i missed on alot.
my only "friend" was the online sphere i shut myself in.
i passed high school with top grades, and here come uni life, it's the most brutal for undeveloped socially people.. (especially males).
i was all alone. I failed two years because of severe depression, I cried on weekly basis every night while hugging my pillow (i call her a she, and she is a good listener to me since i was kid)..
i went through the deep sides of the internet i saw how life is and how much i truly missed.. makes me distraught deep inside.
anyway, I've always wanted to CTB (i was a lurker on suicide image boards 2 years ago, im 21 now)
it's impossible to me to afford nembutal so I plan on partial suspension.
no chance for me in this life, either ctb with dignity or be forced to enlist in the army, die starving as homeless.
I'm glad to be here with you people. and sorry for the long text.
I'm not a native so forgive me if my English was bad :p
it all started decade ago.. let me clarify that i live in a "conservative" country in middle East, my parents especially mom raised me to be a devotee religious person.. I was pure and happy. maybe.
i became 14 years old, graduated middle school, my dad bought me a phone and internet cable in home..
it started here.
i was curious about the world, i never left home because my parents are poor so the internet was huge thing to me... I started to learn my English through it, installed Meeting apps and I was shocked that some women were interested in me (i had no idea what sex was even, I was illiterate)
you know dopamine addiction right? this stuff makes you.. change..
Fast forward after 4 years, I became a social outcast, my looks (luckily) could always attract friendships opportunities but my mentality as an 18 years old was almost like a 12yo.
i missed on alot.
my only "friend" was the online sphere i shut myself in.
i passed high school with top grades, and here come uni life, it's the most brutal for undeveloped socially people.. (especially males).
i was all alone. I failed two years because of severe depression, I cried on weekly basis every night while hugging my pillow (i call her a she, and she is a good listener to me since i was kid)..
i went through the deep sides of the internet i saw how life is and how much i truly missed.. makes me distraught deep inside.
anyway, I've always wanted to CTB (i was a lurker on suicide image boards 2 years ago, im 21 now)
it's impossible to me to afford nembutal so I plan on partial suspension.
no chance for me in this life, either ctb with dignity or be forced to enlist in the army, die starving as homeless.
I'm glad to be here with you people. and sorry for the long text.