Hello everyone. I am just another dude, another brick on the wall, from America, living in Spain at 28 years. An oddity.
I also used to be a furry, or i might still be, eww, cringe, I know. I have disassociated myself from the furry fandom as of late. For 16 years the furry fandom used to be an escape for depression for me, the community always helped, but that effect is long gone now, and I have distanced myself from it all, I don't even use furry profile pictures anymore (what us weirdos call our fursonas) , just have the name as a relic of the past, which I myself hope to be.
Depression, anxiety, autism, and various levels of psychosis have plagued my family on both sides for generations. It appears as no surprise to me that I also have it. My treatment used to work incredibly up until i had a major cycling crash ruining my shoulder and then having my father die unexpectedly at age 55 shortly thereafter. Ever since, nothing has worked, and after many attempts of trying to help myself feel better I was diagnosed with treatment resistant depression. For the past 2 years I have slowly come to accept that my death by my hand is almost certainly inevitable, especially now that I have lost the two closest people in my life, my partner, even though I never felt very loved by him, and my much closer friend who I was almost partners for life with, but decided to leave me because I am too depressed, and they rather just forget who I am and abandon me.
Life has not been worthwhile for me for the past 15 years I have always been told it will get better, it will be worth it, well that is a lie in my case.
I remember my first suicide attempt at 14, trying to breathe in a can of freon i stole from my dad. I remember my last one, I was in ireland shortly after my dad's funeral in 2022, I overdosed on much of my prescription pain medication for my destroyed shoulder only to pass out and wake up perfectly fine the next day, Absolute disappointment. I have been deeply researching for ages for a method that won't fail anymore.
My profile picture is an MRI scan of my brain, from when the doctors suspected me of having epilepsy due to still unexplained seizures that have only been stopped due to prescribed medication. They did not find anything.
I found this place after desperate searching for something like it. Thanks to the stupid BBC news video about it.
The only antidote to my depression is driving, driving fast cars, driving far far away. But before I was mortally depressed, I used to enjoy many things, attending furry conventions, fursuit stuff, ham radio, setting up a home lab with servers and such, programming, working on cars, fixing stuff. I'm an engineer so it is only natural. All goddamn STEM people are furries these days it feels like.
. I was supposed to be forever gone decades ago. However, I continue to fail miserably at suicide too. How ironic and absurd is that now?! Right. There are not enough words to describe just how much I HATE MYSELF.. Guilt and shame continue to consume me more everyday.
