Introduce yourself

[cctrjj]

Hi everyone! I'm 20 years old and I'm trying my best to carry on. I love my family, I love what life can be when I'm not so stuck on comparing myself to others and wishing I was neurotypical. But when I don't do that, I'm enjoying life for what it is and being grateful. The only reason I am here is because I'm suffering with mental illnesses that keep dragging me back down and I can appreciate how raw and real everyone is on this site. I don't like to be negative person and let negative thoughts overcome me, but sometimes you have to learn when to quit. I am doing this all for my family right now, shout out to them and shout out to me for being forgiving, lmao. JJ out!

 

[WeepingDragon]

Hi,
I'm an italian transgender guy in my twenties, and I'm here mostly to see if I can find a bit of solace in knowing I'm not the only one considering such an extreme action as suicide. Despite trying, and actually managing to appreciate life, I still can't find even the tiniest crumb of will to live. I just... don't want it. I mostly kept myself safe to not hurt others, but if it happens that I choose death, I'd want to be able to feel understood. And vent a bit, haha, dying is scary.
Whatever I end up deciding though, given the occasion, I'd also want to sometimes share some random trivia about space, mushrooms, music, animal caretaking, whatever! I can be a little weird alien sometimes

After almost a year since registration I'm finally writing a presentation lol, I'm an anxious mess haha

 

[Proxar]

Hi, im from Chile, in my 20s (South America), who has been sad and feeling lonely since i can remember. This years has been a very rough ones but i keep going becouse i love so much my family, but that doesnt mean i like to live, i hardly find anything that keep me going, i dont have anyone to talk about this feelings and makes me so anxious some days. I dont fear death, i dont have any problems, and the few times i tried, i almost do it, every single time, but the memories of my family always come out and stop me right there. I love playing games, watching animes, and series overall, i also love weed, but from recent illnesses i cant even do that anymore. I feel comfortable to find people who talk about this and dont make it into a weird taboo, that no one wants to talk about. Good luck yall, stay strong.

 

[witchcraft]

I don't really know where to begin.

I've given my life a deadline of no later than the end of next year. I don't know what to set for my profile picture, so I will be changing it a lot until I decide on something...

I am in my mid-twenties, with a degree in education that I am not going to use. Evidently I have no useful skills, not worth giving a chance, nothing of value to contribute... I can't find a job that's not a dead-end waste of time.

Life is just not at all what I wanted it to be. Childhood set me up for this immense disappointment with the real world, seeing behind the curtains and discovering how fake everyone and everything really is. Including me, to be fair.

My parents, dwindling number of family and friends, don't understand how I feel at all. So I guess it's time to be a statistic.

I wouldn't say my life is bad by most metrics. I am hesitant to join spaces like this because so many people have suffered much worse. But, I'm the one who has to wake up every day and live this life, in this mind and body. And I don't want to anymore. I've been abused enough.

I can imagine what a better life would look like, but it's impossible to attain, so what good does it do to torment myself with the forever out-of-reach.

I'm tired of being strung along with a carrot, getting my hopes up just to have them crushed over and over again. Like finding decent jobs to apply to, but never getting them, and now I have been out of work for a year. Or finding someone to date, only for me to eventually relapse into being a piece of shit and ruining things with that person.

I am glad to have found this place, because I can't find any other place where I can actually get information about how to end my life. I would have done it already, but I am scared I am going to mess up and go back to a mental hospital, be forced to take drugs that don't change my life or solve my problems, be turned into a zombie. That's society's idea of "help" for people like me, I guess.

I understand that literal assistance with a plan isn't allowed. That's fine with me. I just hope to meet a few nice people, fellow strugglers on this mental illness journey, in an online space that doesn't demonize or patronize suicide.

I enjoy writing fiction. I like a good story. I love anime, sex, drugs (nicotine, coke, alcohol). I used to enjoy sports but physically I don't feel able to play soccer anymore, even though I'm not that old. So now I watch sports on TV, including baseball and football.

I also love playing video games; some of my recent favorites are Persona 5 Royal, Persona 3 Reload, Ghost of Tsushima, and Tears of the Kingdom.

I would like to think I am pretty smart, at least average looking for a guy, and I am too considerate, but it's like none of my interests, positive attributes, or personal achievements matter. Life just continues to slowly, steadily go downhill. And not just in spite of how hard I try, but more like a Chinese finger trap. Meaning, the harder I try to do something positive or improve myself, the worse my life gets.

I haven't killed myself yet because I am afraid of what comes after.

 

[alice-as-cassandra]

hi, i'm a neurodivergent elder millennial with a history of trauma. diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in 2007, self diagnosed autistic in the last few years.

pronouns are she/her/they

i've had suicidal ideations for nearly my entire life. but in the last 10 years it has evolved to a pro-choice stance.

some issues in my life have become unbearable recently. my spouse of 13 years has come out as transgender. i've always been supportive of the queer community, but have never been impacted directly like this. i'm afraid of the changes to come, i'm afraid of losing the love of my life, the only person who ever made life livable. and i want to exit before my heart is broken any more.

 

[quietpill]

I suppose I should make one of these after responding to a few posts. My name is Warren, I've suffered depression and suicidal tendencies/ideation since at least the age of 9. Hope hurts too much to have at this point, especially as a burnout with little prospect in life aside from surviving. My (very real) social awkwardness is probably the least of my problems, but we move.

I love cinema, TV shows, animation. I tend to curate these interests heavily, but not so pompous as that might come off. I am picky about everything from comedy/satire to psych thrillers and anime. My favorite genre is horror. My favorite show is Sunny in Philadelphia and I have 2500 hours (begrudgingly) on Overwatch. I enjoy video games, but I enjoy interactive fiction games more. Aside from these, I simply enjoy my cat.

 

[avalokitesvara]

I've had a problem with my sense of self since I was a child. I'm now 33 and facing a crossroads. I have the opportunity to become a Zen buddhist monk, which is the only viable life for me, the only thing that has meaning and makes sense for someone like me with my experience of selfhood and the world. It's taken me a very long time to find this path and I believe in it wholeheartedly, it has been a huge relief to finally find something it is possible for me to do with this life. However, this opportunity is contingent on external bureaucratic factors (I require a visa to live in the country where my monastery is located), and the odds are not very strong that I will receive a favourable outcome. At the moment I am waiting to find out.

Because of my selfhood issues I also have diagnosed depression and have had suicidal thoughts since a young age. If I cannot overcome the bureaucratic obstacles to the life that I could have lived as a monk, I will choose to die instead. It is not possible for me to continue existing as a regular normal person, because I derive no pleasure or meaning from the things that other people seem to. I cannot live a life pretending to be a person. I have had plenty of ordinary experiences, love, sex, friends, family, jobs, travel etc. but they ultimately don't amount to anything. I don't feel them. I am permanently oriented towards emptiness. Living as a monk is living with this orientation towards emptiness as the point of life, it means being able to stop having to pretend to care about things that are meaningless to you.

I am here to discuss suicide because it really is my only topic of interest at this time. I can also talk about zen buddhism with anyone who is curious. (I am just one person, I am not a buddhist teacher, nothing I say should be taken as buddhist teaching because it isn't, it's one person's interpretation). In terms of suicide I am particularly interested in the final moments themselves, the ways people prepare for them, and the philosophical/psychological states of being with which people approach death voluntarily.

I'm quite into music, books, and art. At the moment I'm listening a lot to Bladee. Writers I like include W G Sebald, Jean Améry, Spinoza, Roland Barthes, Cioran. My avatar is a photo from a performance by the Viennese Actionist artist Rudolf Schwarzkogler.

 

[shouldbedirt]

Hello, I've been working up the courage to post anything on this site for a while now... I lurk a lot.

I guess I'll go by Angel. they/them though I don't particularly mind being called "he" at times. I'm in my early 20s, and I guess you could call me a NEET.

Severe unmedicated anxiety. I have a very intense fear of medicines, among many other things. Somewhat agoraphobic. I have depression and C-PTSD as well. I have a generally weak and unhealthy body, much due to my mental issues. Neurodivergent for sure, possibly autistic.

I love surrealism, horror, art, and cats. Sorry to keep it so barebones but I'm a pretty paranoid guy so it's hard to reveal much about myself, but this is probably just fine for a simple introduction anyway...


I do have one question though, can anyone tell me why I can't view other users profiles? Is it because I'm still a new member? or because I haven't posted before?

 

[avalokitesvara]

Hello, I've been working up the courage to post anything on this site for a while now... I lurk a lot.

I guess I'll go by Angel. they/them though I don't particularly mind being called "he" at times. I'm in my early 20s, and I guess you could call me a NEET.

Severe unmedicated anxiety. I have a very intense fear of medicines, among many other things. Somewhat agoraphobic. I have depression and C-PTSD as well. I have a generally weak and unhealthy body, much due to my mental issues. Neurodivergent for sure, possibly autistic.

I love surrealism, horror, art, and cats. Sorry to keep it so barebones but I'm a pretty paranoid guy so it's hard to reveal much about myself, but this is probably just fine for a simple introduction anyway...


I do have one question though, can anyone tell me why I can't view other users profiles? Is it because I'm still a new member? or because I haven't posted before?

I think the permissions of what you can see and do on this site are restricted depending on age of account and how much you post… I only joined yesterday but started posting and interacting a lot very quickly so started being able to see profiles and messaging quite fast.
Love your signature btw, so cute

 

[blak73]

I am 51 and have a life that has been so screwed up by trauma that a psychiatrist recently wrote to my GP snd said I have some sort of psychotic illness where I fantasise that bad things have happened to me, because no one could be that unlucky, my stories are implausible. Even my doctor sadly knew he was wrong. It is my life. Believe me I have had a good shot at changing things, trying to do what will supposedly heal me. But my life is just hell. Sadly I am also one of those super intelligent people so what seems functional for the rest of the world is not functional for me. Not even close. I have ADHD and I am autistic so I never fit in, I never find anyone who can understand or even begin to treat me. I am Aboriginal and was stolen as a kid and so never fit in with black or white people. I have just mastered the art my whole life of delivering the human people want to see, because when I am me I am not what the world wants. I have tried to CTB before but this time I have really been doing my research. I just need to be sure it is fool proof. The only time I feel calm or happy is when another piece of my plan arrives or is put in place. It is such a relief to be able to write this knowing that there will be no consequences. It is hard when you are consumed by thinking about something, but cannot talk about it, or get ideas.

 

[shouldbedirt]

I think the permissions of what you can see and do on this site are restricted depending on age of account and how much you post… I only joined yesterday but started posting and interacting a lot very quickly so started being able to see profiles and messaging quite fast.
Love your signature btw, so cute

I see. Thank you very much!

 

[柳贯一]

你好！我 20 岁了，虽然我的身体可能感觉有点老了，但我仍然喜欢像个无忧无虑的孩子一样，不会想太多。当然，当涉及到某些人或情况时，我知道我需要用我的大脑。


我对不寻常的事物很感兴趣。例如，最近我开始追求班上的一个女孩。她让我想起了中学时的自己，那时我独自从一个城市搬到另一个城市。我想她会理解那种感觉——我一直都是孤独的。


但我们不要过多地纠结于此。目前，我还没有 CTB（结束一切）的计划，尽管我过去确实有过这种想法——但不是很强烈（部分原因是我没有成功追求那个女孩）。然而，最初的问题并不完全是我的错。她说她"讨厌男人"（是的，没错），但我不想再深入挖掘她真正的原因了——现在这些都不重要了。哦，顺便说一句，她确实第二次联系我，问她最好的朋友我是否还喜欢她。


我喜欢吃糖果，尤其是打字的时候——我现在正在嚼一些糖果。我喜欢看动漫和电影，尤其是那些有意义和发人深省的。


顺便说一句，我注意到这个平台上的很多人都受过高等教育，知识渊博。我希望在这里学到一两件事！最近我对很多事情都感兴趣，哈哈。


很高兴认识你们！<3

 

[柳贯一]

你好！我20岁了，虽然我的身体可能感觉有点老了，但我仍然喜欢像无忧无虑的孩子一样，不会想太多。当然，当涉及到某些人或某些情况时，我知道我需要用我的大脑。


我对不同的事情很感兴趣。例如，最近我开始追求班上的一个女孩。她让我想起了自己小时候的事，然后我独自从一个城市搬到另一个城市。我想她能理解那种人——感觉我一直都是孤独的。


但我们不会太麻烦。目前，我还没有CTB（结束一切）的计划，虽然我过去确实有过这样的想法——但不是很强烈（部分原因是我成功追求那个女孩）。然而，最初的问题并不是我的错。她说她"讨厌男人"（是的，没错），完全但我不想再深入挖掘她真正的原因了——现在这些都不重要了。哦，顺便说一句，她确实第二次我，问她最好的朋友我是否还喜欢她。


我喜欢吃糖果，尤其是打字的时候——我现在正在咀嚼一些糖果。我喜欢看动漫和电影，尤其是那些有意义且能让人深省的。


顺便说一句，我注意到这个平台上的很多人都受过高等教育，知识渊博。我希望在这里学到一两件事！最近我对很多事情都感兴趣，哈哈。


很高兴认识你们！<3

顺便问一下，如何获得某些权限，例如查看别人的帖子、访问聊天室或使用搜索功能？

 

[Hysteria]

Hello, I feel like I can't kill myself. I want to, but don't know how to do it. I couldn't write a successful plan in my 28 years of life living as a trans. I don't know how to explain it. I'm not only a female in a male body, but I've got a female person inside me with various other entities. Most of them are much better than me, but we share the fate of being trapped inside the same flesh-and-blood prison.

I epically failed with Night Night, which resulted in a few months in the psych ward and five months of rehab, but nothing became better except getting finally a diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia and heavy depression. I feel like my treatment is highly ineffective, but my doctors don't listen to me. - I feel so tired and don't have life energy.

Sometimes writing technical analytics on cryptocurrencies makes me feel better, but I often feel no one is interested in what I'm doing. Starting a trading diary here on the forum will be a final and desperate attempt for me to contribute.

I don't genuinely believe that anyone would be interested in my work. If sleep could kill, I would only stay in my bed forever. I just want to sit down and die. Why do I have to suffer like this?

 

[whitetaildeer]

hiya. i've lurked here for a while, both with and without an account. i was diagnosed as autistic when i was little, and my current stresses are ptsd and depression. also in forced recovery for bulimia. pronouns are he/him; i'd really like to make some other trans friends and/or neurodivergent here. gratuitously afraid of people. i've been (purposely) isolating myself even before covid, so this is my first attempt at breaking out of my shell in years

i have a hellacious transformers brain worm, but i also like reading and writing (in spite of my terrible english skills). i'm also interested in getting back into drawing, and i'd like to get into history, investing, or simply learning more about animals.

i sometimes play video games, just not very often. i really just prefer to chat.

very interested in ctb, very afraid to actually attempt. i've been suicidal since i was 8; most of my suicidal tendencies are driven by perfectionism, insecurity, and ptsd.

i'm here mostly for the problems above, but also because my life feels out of control. i feel like a spectator to my own mediocre life, and detaching myself to that extent has both helped me, and made me feel excruciatingly helpless. i'd like to make something out of my life before i go out, even if it's as simple as getting the courage to share my writing online, or making some friends here.

 

[Fall Leaf]

Hello. I'm in my early 20s. I'm transmasc and non-binary. My pronouns are they/them but he is okay too honestly.
I heard about this forum from online discussions about it so I was curious to check it out. I visited this place over a year but only lately I made my own account. I thought it can nice to have people who are similar to me to talk to. I'm use to isolating myself irl.

I'm dealing with suicidal thoughts from a very early age. I tried to CTB a couple times. I'm not sure if I want to try again. If so, I'll have to be more professional about it.
I feel very hopeless and stuck in life. I can't get myself to a better place right now but I'm not 100% I want to CBT.
My severe symptoms of OCD and depended attachment type are taking over my life. I also have social problems and I suffer from PTSD (and maybe C-PTSD, but I'm not diagnosed) and I have mood changes. Currently my depression and anxiety levels are at the higher side.

When I'm in a better state, I'm a very artistic person. I love making lot of kinds of art but I have a special place for film making. I also like cooking and playing video games, even though I'm terrible at most of them.
I'll be glad to meet new friends, it seems like the option for me to PM users is still locked though, I guess it's because I'm a new user. When it won't be locked, I'll be happy to chat with new people. Take in my mind my English isn't great, since it's my second language.

 

[foreverlanguish]

Hello-ha! I'm from the US and I go by she/they pronouns. I've been lurking here ever since I was 15-16, and now that I just turned 18. can finally contribute! I'm a gamer, it's kind of my vent, and I love to write, eat hot fries, watch anime/cartoons, and sing, among other things! While I've attempted in years past, I had two recent failed attempts these past couple months and experienced the hells of being in a psychiatric institution not one, but two times (my stays weren't that bad, but they still were troubling nonetheless). Because I've failed the last two times, I'm desperate to find a way out ASAP and welcome any doable methods. I've been diagnosed with ADHD, Autism, Depression, and mild Anxiety.
My hopes while here are to find ways to combat SI and find a CTB partner, if possible

 

[victorisunlucky]

Hi hello, I'm 19 and from the US. I've been lurking here since sanctionedsuicide got mentioned on MATI. I have autism, generalized anxiety disorder, and major depressive disorder. I study electrical engineering at a state school, and I like playing vidya and listening to vocaloid.

I flipflop between actively wanting to off myself and actively wanting to get better several times a week. It's very confusing and I struggle really knowing what I want. Either way, I feel like I belong on this forum in particular.

 

[TheMountainTreeEgg]

Hello, I'm a freshman in college and I've know about this website for a year or so, I found myself checking it out for a while and eventually went to join. I love playing video games and I'm a huge manga enthusiast, I draw a bit and like to I'm also love to skateboard but I'm very shitty at it. I've been dealing with self hatred for a while now and tend to have suicidal thoughts when I get in a depressive state.

it would be cool if I was a tree instead of a human.

 

[moonlight gate]

i'm 51 from Eastern Canada. veteran of the Bosnian wars 93-95 where i did 2 tour of duty. Gaming enthusiast. been gaming since 1980. music and movies enthusiast. car guy. love driving. i drive on average 5000 kilometers a month. my vehicle is the only place i feel safe. i sleep in my vehicle often. even if it is minus 36 Celcius outside. i also play drums as an amateur but with fairly high technical skills. love traveling. been to a lot of places. 36 countries. my favorite subject is Astro physics. i have a collection of very high quality giant binoculars that i use to stargaze. i have done a lot of things in my life including building a bridge in BC, Canada. i feel like i have lived the life of 4 human beings of 80 years old already at my age. i have done more things and seen more things than most humans if they had a thousand lifetimes. that is one of the main reason why i often find it difficult to keep going on. my family are pretty much all aware of my intentions. in fact i am currently in process with Dignitas. but i feel i can do it just as good on my own if not better. the only thing i like about Dignitas is that the people i love can be there.

 

[qwertyuiopasdfghjkl]

Hello
Not sure where to start. As you can see, I have no creativity in making a username lol. Found this forum after doing some research into good methods and realizing successfully CTBing is much harder than I thought. My life's been a mess, entirely self-inflicted. Having no executive function whatsoever frankly devoids my life of meaning and free will. I have no memory of ever being successful or deserving of the air I breathe daily. Recently got some treatment, am giving antidepressants and stimulants one last try before I decide my fate.

 

[-less-]

Hey! You can call me Less.

I came across this forum a few months ago and I was so glad to see that a space like this exists.

I've been feeling suicidal on and off for years and it's not something I've ever been able to fully open up to anyone about. I feel the need to downplay it significantly when talking to therapists and doctors because I'm terrified of having my autonomy taken away in some way, and I don't want to worry the people close to me or make them feel powerless to help me. So I've just been keeping it inside so far, but the feelings have been getting worse and worse as time goes on. I feel like I really need someplace like this where I can be honest about how I'm feeling while I work through all this, where I don't have to worry about having someone else's conclusions shoved down my throat or distressing the people I love if I voice the pain and hopelessness I've been feeling.

I love making art of all kinds, though I'm not very good at it. I also love science and philosophy. I struggle to maintain the energy I need to keep my friendships from deteriorating, but I care very deeply about the people who are in my life and I try hard to bring some good to the lives of others when I can. If I ever do recover from my trauma and depression, my hope is to become the kind of person who sucks the marrow out of life. But right now I've mostly just been trying to get through the days with easy comforts while I daydream about a better life.

 

[dOm!n!K]

Never introduced myself here so I might since I decided to not just lurk. I'm fine with being called domi or vik (neither being my names) I'm a graphic designer and I'm going to med school if money issues in my family allow me to (and my mental health as well). I'm polish (sadly) but I love travelling abroad. I'm interested in literature, painting, sewing, cosplay and a lot of different shows (cartoons, anime, live action, everything basically). I listen to all kinds of music but I'm diehard McCafferty fan! And I plan to learn how to play piano. I'm autistic, possibly have dissociative issues but I'm just trying to go through my life and survive somehow. Also I'm catholic!

 

[let.me.let.go87]

So my brain and uterus were simultaneously ruined at the ripe age of 12 and I have PTSD MDD and BPD. I was often abused at home as well so that was just the straw that broke my back I guess. I tried to kill myself for the first time the night after that. And I have been trying to kill myself for pretty much the rest of my life ever since I have failed over 30 attempts in 25 years and I came here to try to find the right way to do it because apparently it's the one thing I can't get right at all

 

[death_bed221]

Hi I am a 30 year guy that made one mistake that ruined his life. I didn't harm anyone but that mistake made me lose my friends and my mind. I will suicide soon. Where I live, no one even says hi to me nor anything. I cant find a job cuz everyone soon finds about my mistake and bullies me. Its a small town and everyone knows everything. In my last days all I am looking for is some people to talk to. I don't think I deserve to be treated this way but it is what it is.