ImmortalTaoist
Member
- Nov 10, 2020
- 34
Well as the title says, this is basically an introduction post of myself and why I'm here and how I've gotten to where I'm at... I do want to apologize as first of all it's a lot of information and second it may be quite messy but I did try my best to keep it organized and as short as I could without missing details. I also may come back and add more stuff if I feel I missed something or update it within the comments but I'll do my best to not do that or do it in as big chunks as I can as to not create confusion or too many posts
Well I'll have to start quite literally from when I was born as almost everything will require a backstory...
Well, to start off, the time range of these events will go from when I was born to when I was about 7 years old. I was originally born in Colombia, South America. I was born prematurely at 6 months which led to many complications later on in my life and throughout my childhood, such as frequent asthma attacks, bronchitis, effects on my mental health and my now bad vision. I was able to survive by what they told me was a miracle back then, as I was within an incubator, oxygen and blood for about an additional 5 months. At the age of 2 years old, my father died, and I never found out the true reason as it was kept for me for many years, but it turned out to be that he committed suicide. All I ever do know or remember from him is what I've heard from family and friends, and on how good of a father he was as well as just the type of person he was. From that timeframe, I remember some events such as how I would visit family often by flying over, and how my mother struggled through her physically abusive relationship as I could only hopelessly watch. I also do have few memories of how my grandma, on my mother's side of the family, was a frequent smoker and drinker to what now we consider alcoholism. Around these timeframes, my mom got married to a man from Colombia, whom then we ended up coming to the US to live with and start life here anew as he was already a citizen.
To add some extra backstory, my grandma was an alcoholic most of her life, and only stopped about 4 years ago when she came to the US to live with my mother and I, but that information will come later on.
My grandmas alcoholism and issues had an impact on my mother's upbringing, which led to my mom being mainly raised by her grandmother, or my great grandmother. My mom developed dependency issues and mental health issues, such as depression and anxiety amongst a few other things, due to the abandonment she faced of her father when she was young, before she was even born, as well as having to face the issues of my grandmothers alcoholism and verbal and mental abuse she faced, as well as frequently being kicked from her home amongst other issues.
Alright back to story time, these events will be from when I was about 7 to 14 years old. The events from this time are honestly not too bad I guess. My mother remained in this relationship for this whole timeframe. For the duration of this timeframe, I viewed this person as a father figure and as someone that I did love, and I also had 2 stepbrothers who would visit frequently as well. I somewhat got along with them but it was nothing ever too personal or close so to speak. As time went on, due to my mother's issues, which I never knew of obviously, as well as her husband at the times issues, being anger issues, they ended up fighting a lot over anything and everything, which would then somehow go on to me getting affected by it as well, be it from him getting mad at me for nothing or my mom doing the same as well. It eventually got to a point where it was basically mental and verbal abuse as I'd get compared to others a lot and around these times I started living for the sake of others and not myself, mainly being for the sake of my mom. It turned into me basically doing things for her sake and for them to praise me, as if I did bad I would get yelled at and punished. I was basically living the life and doing things for the sake of my mother due to her not being able to do what I had the opportunity to now do during my childhood and life. In a way, it's not her fault due to how she grew up and all the issues she faced, from relationship issues to personal ones, but at the same time it was and it became a very bad thing for me as I was always being compared and I was basically living for someone else's sake, and not for my own. At the age of 14, they ended up divorcing as things eventually also did get to violence, from knives being pulled to stuff getting thrown, etc... I frequently had to somewhat deal with physical and mental/verbal abuse which impacted me a lot, and is related to the things mentioned above. After their divorce, the one fatherly figure I had disappeared as if nothing and never really contacted me again which impacted me a lot...
Now for a short time frame, this was all within a year, but between the divorce and several months, my mother ended up starting to date this other guy, who was quite nice, but I never really ended up viewing him as a fatherly figure but more so a friend. I also went to Canada for a month and a half in an exchange program alone where I was to go learn French, but I ended up also meeting people all around the world as well as getting to try and do a lot of things, as these people were a few years older than me. It was the first time I really felt "free" and I tried things from alcohol to cigarettes, weed, shrooms, lsd, etc and honestly it was the time of my life back then. My family did somehow find out, and due to these events I went back to Colombia.
For 3 years, I studied in Colombia till I was 17. Over there I made many great friends, and had an amazing education at a private school, but as always I felt pressured due to my family, being my alcoholic grandmother and my mom pressuring me over doing well because I could do things they couldn't and because it cost a lot of money, etc etc. Long story short, although I enjoyed my time and my friendships and everything there, I never really tried out of enjoyment or for myself but more so to not disappoint my family as so they wouldn't get mad at me or shun me for how I did. I also had to deal with my grandmothers daily drinking and her occasional daily raging where we would argue on and on and on. The day was good and the nights were constant arguing for absolutely i reason. In the time that I was there, I kept in frequent contact with my mom, whom also visited me a few times a year despite her busy schedule, and who also came around for me when I broke my ankle and required surgery. I also had to deal around this time, which was the start of my mother's and her bfs issues, which was mainly him always complaining about her and basically trying to turn me against her and telling me all sorts of fucked up shit. I somehow always found myself in their issues and being the "listener" so to speak. I eventually went back to the USA, due to my grandma listening to a friend who she doesn't even speak to anymore, because they said I needed more time with my mother, despite the amazing education I was receiving, which by the way had i completed I could've studied or used it in a multitude of universities around the world, without having to "test" for it so to speak. It was basically an instant entrance to university but I lost that chance.
This now leads to the next 4 years or so, which ranges from about 17 till 21, which is last year. Upon coming back to the USA, my mom and I were doing quite well, and she was still within this relationship which is still somehow found myself in the middle of things despite not wanting to, to where it was basically them going back and forth between normal and talking shit and normal. My mother bf at the time would always insult her and say things about her to me and how she was always doing drugs and this and that but I never believed it as I was almost always with her. I did notice that for a long time, when my mom had a grave car accident which left her being unable to work for almost a year, she had some people over whom I later found out last year were dealers. My mom and her bf always went back and forth and it did affect me, and eventually the place where my mother and I lived at became just me, as he lived about 2-3 miles away. She basically paid for a place which I basically lived in alone, and me not really having anyone there for me I neglected my school duties and I just stuck to going out a lot, ditching, smoking, partying and having people over a lot. I also wasn't able to graduate as the principal of the school did not accept my credits or work done in Colombia, so it was as if I never had 9 or 10th grade complete. I eventually took a GED and I was out.
Time for additional information, but somehow, I managed to start college without a diploma of any sorts, which my mom I assume had fabricated, and I also acquired my first car at 18 and my license which I had raised up for working. I mainly entered college and did all the things I did as it was what my mom wanted and what my mom in a way planned for me so again, even at such points I never lived for myself. Throughout college, for the next 3 years, till I was 21, I was always in and out and never really putting effort nor caring for it despite knowing that I could do well, because quite honestly I'd much prefer to go party and do other things with friends throughout my days as it's all I really had and I had no one to go home to. Eventually my grandmother came to live with us, and this lasted about 3 years as well. Her original reason for coming was to "help us" and be with us, but we found out she never paid off her debt in Colombia, and that she sold the house that was for us. Regardless she still received what is about 2k USD in Colombian pesos just from pension money. Within that time, I stuck around the same friends and people and it was basically the same things as always, dealing with arguments from my mother's relationship and now having to deal with my grandmother and her issues as well as my mom was never home. Eventually my grandmother did stop her drinking, but she would use her money on just impulse shopping or on fuck knows what. She also never helped with groceries, bills or anything and this led to a falling out as she always acted like a kid whenever arguments came around and my mom never wanted to deal with her. She eventually got her green card and went to New Jersey to live with her cousin last year.
Another thing to add, but at the age of 20, 2 years ago, I went to Sri lanka for a month to volunteer in orphanages which helped me get a different view on this world, on myself and on what I wanted which ties in to later points near the end.
Going back to the main points, throughout that 3 year time of 18-21, I was always compared to others and to other family members by my own family, on how they could do this or that and how they were doing all these things better, and all these things on top of all the other stuff I dealt with and never really living for myself hit me hard to where I never really cared for myself nor lived for myself but for the sake of keeping others happy. This eventually led to me developing issues such as depression, anxiety and BPD, with big time abandonment issues. Fast forward to the ending of 2018, I ended my relationship with most of the people I'd hang out with as I came to find out thru other people with conversations and phone calls that the people I assumed were my best of friends never cared for me and only hung out with me due to me having a car, that I'd help them pay or that I'd help them out with things when going out or that I'd never ask for much money if any at all... I eventually dropped them all and around that same time, my mother and her bf finally had reached what I'd say were their limits. This led to I'd say what is the climax of everything and my issues as well.
Around March of 2020, my mother and her bf at the time ended things, but she was extremely emotionally dependent on the guy due to her preexisting issues from her past, and she also had developed an addiction to meth as she frequently used with the guy ( he was loaded with money btw, millionaire). This led to my mother having issues with her work, as well as just having issues within her personal life with friends and also with myself. Her breakup, on top of her dependence for the guy, with her depression, anxiety and psychosis from drug withdrawal led her to go through all sorts of episodes, such as having hackers supposedly after us, the government, etc... it also led to my mom not trusting me and always going thru my things, and it put a strain on our relationship. We also ended up going on a trip, which is where she had a major breakdown and came back. It led to me having many issues at work as I'd frequently have to call off or leave early to get her in her episodes and well long story short I was basically babysitting my mother. Her issues got so bad to the point where she attempted suicide. This is also where I found out how manipulative the guy was, that he was a narcissist and how he'd always try to turn me against my mother despite all the mental, verbal abuse and manipulation that he had over my mother and her life. He basically controlled who and what she was from work to her personal life and just herself to where she wouldn't even trust me but she would him. Her suicide attempt plus what came after made the guy feel quite the guilt over it, as he probably felt he was at fault for her almost dying, which led to him getting her a really good rehab place where they also had lots of support for mental health. In this place my mother managed to recuperate quite well, to where she basically went back to being her old self, to where she wasn't dependent on the guy and just to how she was before ever meeting him. She also did attend and has done AA for over a year and her life is well in order and she has a grey boyfriend and family/friends that are there for her through thick and thin, as I've seen it first hand.
As far as immediate family goes, the ones that are truly there for us has been one of my mother's cousins and her family, as well as my great grandmother. From My mother's side of the family no one really kept in touch nor cared about us except matters concerning money or sending things over. As far as my fathers side of the family they've always kept in touch and have been good people to us.
Now as for myself, all these events and well finding out all this information as from what my mom went thru basically all her life, from her relationships to her issues at home and basically truly learning in detail what my mother went thru in a way affected me, and I was honestly traumatized at the fact that she basically tried to kill herself in front of me, as I was in college
Another side piece of info, but as far as where I live goes, I had friends on and off a lot but I never had friendships that stuck too well. My closest of friends , as funny as it may sound came from online, being discord, as well as the few friends I made from Twitter and the person whom I'm dating(was dating idk it's somewhat complicated as of now). Those are the people that truly stuck around for me and that I always kept in touch with, And unfortunately I didn't get to not will get to meet them irl except the relationship that I was in of course. My friends from Colombia were also people that have stayed with me through it all and these are the people that I truly appreciate in my life besides family and others whom were close to me. That and my cat and 2 dogs really did keep me up and going for the longest of time.
Now as for myself, all these events and well finding out all this information as from what my mom went thru basically all her life, from her relationships to her issues at home and basically truly learning in detail what my mother went thru in a way affected me, and I was honestly traumatized at the fact that she basically tried to kill herself in front of me, as I was in college. That, on top of all the previous things that I dealt with and had gone thru affected me, and it basically showed me that I never really have lived for myself but for the sake of someone else. It showed me that I didn't really know who "I" truly was and that despite me having so many opportunities and a good life, that I was empty. The fact that my grandmother left when my mom was going thru all these things, that my father left , my stepfather left and mother almost left me too, on top of the pains of having lost many different friends throughout the years really affected me and only magnified my issues with BPD, anxiety and depression. From last year to now, despite having worked on myself, finding out what it is I truly enjoy, what it is I want to do in life and despite having goals and well just all these things I wish to do and accomplish, in the end internally it's not what I want. What I truly want are goals and ideals that can truly never be reached or achieved in this lifetime nor this world. Even after mending my relationship with my mother and discussing everything she did from the verbal and emotional and sometimes even physical abuse and despite me going to get help at many places, in the end I still feel like I am not a part of this work nor do I belong here. I'm not unhappy with it all, I'm honestly quite fine despite all the difficulties and things that have also happened within the last few months, and despite knowing with a clear mind and conviction of what path I wish to take, I just simply don't feel as if I belong here. I simply just don't wish to live my life out in this world, which I could go on and on on why, but yeah it's just not a world I see myself in. Once the day that I go does come, I want everyone whom I ever have known or that cares for me, from my friends and family and close loved ones to know that I'm going off in peace and that I've set my mind to go and nothing will change that. I also don't want anyone to blame themselves for this as I blame no one for how I feel or for how I see this world. I've had an amazing and beautiful life full of memories and opportunities and full of love despite my difficulties and I just hope and wish that my close ones and everyone around me to know that I'm at peace writing this and that no one is to feel at fault or blame, because in the end I've loved this life. I love so deeply for everyone around me, for this world, the nature, animals, humans and everything around me and everything that everyone's done for me, but I simply just wish to go as I feel like it's time for me to set off on a new adventure and that I'm quite satisfied with my life and everything it had to offer up to now.
For anyone that did make it to this point, I do thank you for reading this very very long message on myself, my life and basically on why and where I'm at in life. I want to wish you all the very best in whatever path life may take you and that you go In peace. I also want to add that I know I may not be as bad as compared to others but yeah this is my story and it's been quite the ride to say the least and I wish everyone else the best for when my time comes.
Well I'll have to start quite literally from when I was born as almost everything will require a backstory...
Well, to start off, the time range of these events will go from when I was born to when I was about 7 years old. I was originally born in Colombia, South America. I was born prematurely at 6 months which led to many complications later on in my life and throughout my childhood, such as frequent asthma attacks, bronchitis, effects on my mental health and my now bad vision. I was able to survive by what they told me was a miracle back then, as I was within an incubator, oxygen and blood for about an additional 5 months. At the age of 2 years old, my father died, and I never found out the true reason as it was kept for me for many years, but it turned out to be that he committed suicide. All I ever do know or remember from him is what I've heard from family and friends, and on how good of a father he was as well as just the type of person he was. From that timeframe, I remember some events such as how I would visit family often by flying over, and how my mother struggled through her physically abusive relationship as I could only hopelessly watch. I also do have few memories of how my grandma, on my mother's side of the family, was a frequent smoker and drinker to what now we consider alcoholism. Around these timeframes, my mom got married to a man from Colombia, whom then we ended up coming to the US to live with and start life here anew as he was already a citizen.
To add some extra backstory, my grandma was an alcoholic most of her life, and only stopped about 4 years ago when she came to the US to live with my mother and I, but that information will come later on.
My grandmas alcoholism and issues had an impact on my mother's upbringing, which led to my mom being mainly raised by her grandmother, or my great grandmother. My mom developed dependency issues and mental health issues, such as depression and anxiety amongst a few other things, due to the abandonment she faced of her father when she was young, before she was even born, as well as having to face the issues of my grandmothers alcoholism and verbal and mental abuse she faced, as well as frequently being kicked from her home amongst other issues.
Alright back to story time, these events will be from when I was about 7 to 14 years old. The events from this time are honestly not too bad I guess. My mother remained in this relationship for this whole timeframe. For the duration of this timeframe, I viewed this person as a father figure and as someone that I did love, and I also had 2 stepbrothers who would visit frequently as well. I somewhat got along with them but it was nothing ever too personal or close so to speak. As time went on, due to my mother's issues, which I never knew of obviously, as well as her husband at the times issues, being anger issues, they ended up fighting a lot over anything and everything, which would then somehow go on to me getting affected by it as well, be it from him getting mad at me for nothing or my mom doing the same as well. It eventually got to a point where it was basically mental and verbal abuse as I'd get compared to others a lot and around these times I started living for the sake of others and not myself, mainly being for the sake of my mom. It turned into me basically doing things for her sake and for them to praise me, as if I did bad I would get yelled at and punished. I was basically living the life and doing things for the sake of my mother due to her not being able to do what I had the opportunity to now do during my childhood and life. In a way, it's not her fault due to how she grew up and all the issues she faced, from relationship issues to personal ones, but at the same time it was and it became a very bad thing for me as I was always being compared and I was basically living for someone else's sake, and not for my own. At the age of 14, they ended up divorcing as things eventually also did get to violence, from knives being pulled to stuff getting thrown, etc... I frequently had to somewhat deal with physical and mental/verbal abuse which impacted me a lot, and is related to the things mentioned above. After their divorce, the one fatherly figure I had disappeared as if nothing and never really contacted me again which impacted me a lot...
Now for a short time frame, this was all within a year, but between the divorce and several months, my mother ended up starting to date this other guy, who was quite nice, but I never really ended up viewing him as a fatherly figure but more so a friend. I also went to Canada for a month and a half in an exchange program alone where I was to go learn French, but I ended up also meeting people all around the world as well as getting to try and do a lot of things, as these people were a few years older than me. It was the first time I really felt "free" and I tried things from alcohol to cigarettes, weed, shrooms, lsd, etc and honestly it was the time of my life back then. My family did somehow find out, and due to these events I went back to Colombia.
For 3 years, I studied in Colombia till I was 17. Over there I made many great friends, and had an amazing education at a private school, but as always I felt pressured due to my family, being my alcoholic grandmother and my mom pressuring me over doing well because I could do things they couldn't and because it cost a lot of money, etc etc. Long story short, although I enjoyed my time and my friendships and everything there, I never really tried out of enjoyment or for myself but more so to not disappoint my family as so they wouldn't get mad at me or shun me for how I did. I also had to deal with my grandmothers daily drinking and her occasional daily raging where we would argue on and on and on. The day was good and the nights were constant arguing for absolutely i reason. In the time that I was there, I kept in frequent contact with my mom, whom also visited me a few times a year despite her busy schedule, and who also came around for me when I broke my ankle and required surgery. I also had to deal around this time, which was the start of my mother's and her bfs issues, which was mainly him always complaining about her and basically trying to turn me against her and telling me all sorts of fucked up shit. I somehow always found myself in their issues and being the "listener" so to speak. I eventually went back to the USA, due to my grandma listening to a friend who she doesn't even speak to anymore, because they said I needed more time with my mother, despite the amazing education I was receiving, which by the way had i completed I could've studied or used it in a multitude of universities around the world, without having to "test" for it so to speak. It was basically an instant entrance to university but I lost that chance.
This now leads to the next 4 years or so, which ranges from about 17 till 21, which is last year. Upon coming back to the USA, my mom and I were doing quite well, and she was still within this relationship which is still somehow found myself in the middle of things despite not wanting to, to where it was basically them going back and forth between normal and talking shit and normal. My mother bf at the time would always insult her and say things about her to me and how she was always doing drugs and this and that but I never believed it as I was almost always with her. I did notice that for a long time, when my mom had a grave car accident which left her being unable to work for almost a year, she had some people over whom I later found out last year were dealers. My mom and her bf always went back and forth and it did affect me, and eventually the place where my mother and I lived at became just me, as he lived about 2-3 miles away. She basically paid for a place which I basically lived in alone, and me not really having anyone there for me I neglected my school duties and I just stuck to going out a lot, ditching, smoking, partying and having people over a lot. I also wasn't able to graduate as the principal of the school did not accept my credits or work done in Colombia, so it was as if I never had 9 or 10th grade complete. I eventually took a GED and I was out.
Time for additional information, but somehow, I managed to start college without a diploma of any sorts, which my mom I assume had fabricated, and I also acquired my first car at 18 and my license which I had raised up for working. I mainly entered college and did all the things I did as it was what my mom wanted and what my mom in a way planned for me so again, even at such points I never lived for myself. Throughout college, for the next 3 years, till I was 21, I was always in and out and never really putting effort nor caring for it despite knowing that I could do well, because quite honestly I'd much prefer to go party and do other things with friends throughout my days as it's all I really had and I had no one to go home to. Eventually my grandmother came to live with us, and this lasted about 3 years as well. Her original reason for coming was to "help us" and be with us, but we found out she never paid off her debt in Colombia, and that she sold the house that was for us. Regardless she still received what is about 2k USD in Colombian pesos just from pension money. Within that time, I stuck around the same friends and people and it was basically the same things as always, dealing with arguments from my mother's relationship and now having to deal with my grandmother and her issues as well as my mom was never home. Eventually my grandmother did stop her drinking, but she would use her money on just impulse shopping or on fuck knows what. She also never helped with groceries, bills or anything and this led to a falling out as she always acted like a kid whenever arguments came around and my mom never wanted to deal with her. She eventually got her green card and went to New Jersey to live with her cousin last year.
Another thing to add, but at the age of 20, 2 years ago, I went to Sri lanka for a month to volunteer in orphanages which helped me get a different view on this world, on myself and on what I wanted which ties in to later points near the end.
Going back to the main points, throughout that 3 year time of 18-21, I was always compared to others and to other family members by my own family, on how they could do this or that and how they were doing all these things better, and all these things on top of all the other stuff I dealt with and never really living for myself hit me hard to where I never really cared for myself nor lived for myself but for the sake of keeping others happy. This eventually led to me developing issues such as depression, anxiety and BPD, with big time abandonment issues. Fast forward to the ending of 2018, I ended my relationship with most of the people I'd hang out with as I came to find out thru other people with conversations and phone calls that the people I assumed were my best of friends never cared for me and only hung out with me due to me having a car, that I'd help them pay or that I'd help them out with things when going out or that I'd never ask for much money if any at all... I eventually dropped them all and around that same time, my mother and her bf finally had reached what I'd say were their limits. This led to I'd say what is the climax of everything and my issues as well.
Around March of 2020, my mother and her bf at the time ended things, but she was extremely emotionally dependent on the guy due to her preexisting issues from her past, and she also had developed an addiction to meth as she frequently used with the guy ( he was loaded with money btw, millionaire). This led to my mother having issues with her work, as well as just having issues within her personal life with friends and also with myself. Her breakup, on top of her dependence for the guy, with her depression, anxiety and psychosis from drug withdrawal led her to go through all sorts of episodes, such as having hackers supposedly after us, the government, etc... it also led to my mom not trusting me and always going thru my things, and it put a strain on our relationship. We also ended up going on a trip, which is where she had a major breakdown and came back. It led to me having many issues at work as I'd frequently have to call off or leave early to get her in her episodes and well long story short I was basically babysitting my mother. Her issues got so bad to the point where she attempted suicide. This is also where I found out how manipulative the guy was, that he was a narcissist and how he'd always try to turn me against my mother despite all the mental, verbal abuse and manipulation that he had over my mother and her life. He basically controlled who and what she was from work to her personal life and just herself to where she wouldn't even trust me but she would him. Her suicide attempt plus what came after made the guy feel quite the guilt over it, as he probably felt he was at fault for her almost dying, which led to him getting her a really good rehab place where they also had lots of support for mental health. In this place my mother managed to recuperate quite well, to where she basically went back to being her old self, to where she wasn't dependent on the guy and just to how she was before ever meeting him. She also did attend and has done AA for over a year and her life is well in order and she has a grey boyfriend and family/friends that are there for her through thick and thin, as I've seen it first hand.
As far as immediate family goes, the ones that are truly there for us has been one of my mother's cousins and her family, as well as my great grandmother. From My mother's side of the family no one really kept in touch nor cared about us except matters concerning money or sending things over. As far as my fathers side of the family they've always kept in touch and have been good people to us.
Now as for myself, all these events and well finding out all this information as from what my mom went thru basically all her life, from her relationships to her issues at home and basically truly learning in detail what my mother went thru in a way affected me, and I was honestly traumatized at the fact that she basically tried to kill herself in front of me, as I was in college
Another side piece of info, but as far as where I live goes, I had friends on and off a lot but I never had friendships that stuck too well. My closest of friends , as funny as it may sound came from online, being discord, as well as the few friends I made from Twitter and the person whom I'm dating(was dating idk it's somewhat complicated as of now). Those are the people that truly stuck around for me and that I always kept in touch with, And unfortunately I didn't get to not will get to meet them irl except the relationship that I was in of course. My friends from Colombia were also people that have stayed with me through it all and these are the people that I truly appreciate in my life besides family and others whom were close to me. That and my cat and 2 dogs really did keep me up and going for the longest of time.
Now as for myself, all these events and well finding out all this information as from what my mom went thru basically all her life, from her relationships to her issues at home and basically truly learning in detail what my mother went thru in a way affected me, and I was honestly traumatized at the fact that she basically tried to kill herself in front of me, as I was in college. That, on top of all the previous things that I dealt with and had gone thru affected me, and it basically showed me that I never really have lived for myself but for the sake of someone else. It showed me that I didn't really know who "I" truly was and that despite me having so many opportunities and a good life, that I was empty. The fact that my grandmother left when my mom was going thru all these things, that my father left , my stepfather left and mother almost left me too, on top of the pains of having lost many different friends throughout the years really affected me and only magnified my issues with BPD, anxiety and depression. From last year to now, despite having worked on myself, finding out what it is I truly enjoy, what it is I want to do in life and despite having goals and well just all these things I wish to do and accomplish, in the end internally it's not what I want. What I truly want are goals and ideals that can truly never be reached or achieved in this lifetime nor this world. Even after mending my relationship with my mother and discussing everything she did from the verbal and emotional and sometimes even physical abuse and despite me going to get help at many places, in the end I still feel like I am not a part of this work nor do I belong here. I'm not unhappy with it all, I'm honestly quite fine despite all the difficulties and things that have also happened within the last few months, and despite knowing with a clear mind and conviction of what path I wish to take, I just simply don't feel as if I belong here. I simply just don't wish to live my life out in this world, which I could go on and on on why, but yeah it's just not a world I see myself in. Once the day that I go does come, I want everyone whom I ever have known or that cares for me, from my friends and family and close loved ones to know that I'm going off in peace and that I've set my mind to go and nothing will change that. I also don't want anyone to blame themselves for this as I blame no one for how I feel or for how I see this world. I've had an amazing and beautiful life full of memories and opportunities and full of love despite my difficulties and I just hope and wish that my close ones and everyone around me to know that I'm at peace writing this and that no one is to feel at fault or blame, because in the end I've loved this life. I love so deeply for everyone around me, for this world, the nature, animals, humans and everything around me and everything that everyone's done for me, but I simply just wish to go as I feel like it's time for me to set off on a new adventure and that I'm quite satisfied with my life and everything it had to offer up to now.
For anyone that did make it to this point, I do thank you for reading this very very long message on myself, my life and basically on why and where I'm at in life. I want to wish you all the very best in whatever path life may take you and that you go In peace. I also want to add that I know I may not be as bad as compared to others but yeah this is my story and it's been quite the ride to say the least and I wish everyone else the best for when my time comes.
Last edited:
