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Welcome to the site! I would say we're happy to have you here, buuuut...you know, haha ;)
I'm sorry to hear about how many comorbid issues you've got going on. As somebody who's struggled with BDD in the past (and to a much lesser extent now) you absolutely have my sympathies. It can be such a daily battle. I've also seen how eating disorders can absolutely ravage people, and while I haven't personally dealt with them, I certainly do feel for you. I'm so sorry you have such an unfortunate balancing act, and I hope you find some way towards peace of some sort; it's something we all deserve <3
Thanks, I somehow manage but I constantly feel I'm one step away from losing it all. The work is in holding it all together while simultaneously maintaining an image that I'm just a normal guy; I suppose it's a form of imposter syndrome, if you will. I was a lurker on SS/TSS and have finally made my way here. I guess my current state is "apathetic" as opposed to active or something similar. If a freak accident or misfortune at work were to happen, my thoughts are "meh, I've had a good run".
Thanks, I somehow manage but I constantly feel I'm one step away from losing it all. The work is in holding it all together while simultaneously maintaining an image that I'm just a normal guy; I suppose it's a form of imposter syndrome, if you will. I was a lurker on SS/TSS and have finally made my way here. I guess my current state is "apathetic" as opposed to active or something similar. If a freak accident or misfortune at work were to happen, my thoughts are "meh, I've had a good run".
I get what you mean about the imposter syndrome. For me, depression & assorted anxiety issues have been present since childhood, and have morphed into uglier things as time's gone on. But I've had a tremendously blessed life as well, so for me there's a lot of guilt in the equation as well, and a lot of forceful optimism in order to hold it together as well as I have in spite of my invisible inner-life.
I very much relate to that last line you posted. That's kind of how it started for me years ago. In any case, I hope that this site at least gives you a space where you can have a break from having to pretend all the time like you have to at your job and in your social life. I can imagine how exhausting that is.
Hey all, I'm originally from Aus but now call Europe my home. I'm male and heading into my more senior years you could say. This is my first public reply on this forum.
A little bit of background for you all:
Have been quite depressed for over 6 months now, this all started due to personal changes in my life-a lot of them of my own making I might add. Unfortunately, some severe physical problems have also dogged me over the last year as well. I don't want to go into it too much detail, it's all pretty grim and I face a situation where I may have to go into care in the near future. Hopefully this is a way off but I really don't know.
Thank you to those who opened this forum in the first place to encourage open and honest discussion. The topic we all meet to discuss is not an easy one and I am not here to influence anybody one way or the other. However, I do believe fervently in the right to free speech and feel that this is an important place where those who are suffering can come to talk.
If I can seek some advice on this forum and also read and empathise with your stories, then I hope my presence is not unwelcome.
You must forgive me, I missed the boat on the internet when it all took off in the 90s and am catching up, so if I'm posting in the wrong places etc, or asking too many questions please let me know.
Enough of my babbling. Thank you and hope I can post more when I figure out how to do it.
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Recently joined. Don't know what else to add. I guess most of you already know how I feel. I read this morning on another site about a young man of 20 who a few nights ago hanged himself. He'd instructed an acquaintance to alert the group, briefly. I felt sad he'd been suffering so much he decided to leave, but I felt more admiration for his courage. For me, it's been far too long.
I didn't know horses lived that much. I think I am used to the lifespan of dogs and cats, which is considerably shorter.
I can definitely understand that. Thinking about my dog dying also brings me pain, though I also feel sad when I think of leaving her behind. She is as attached to me as I am to her.
29yo, almost 30, failed at everything in life. Addiction (mainly alcohol and cannabis) also diagnosed with depression, borderline etc. Been to psych ward, rehabs etc a couple of times. from germany.
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FTL.Wanderer, soundwave, Smilla and 1 other person
I'm 21 and I'm depressed. I've been depressed and anxious since middle school.
Not really sure what my passions are, I like to play games though.
I've never been big on attachment, I see myself as a creep if I get too clingy so I just never become attached to anyone.
I've failed school for the past three years, got kicked out of my original University, and I have no drive or ambition anymore.
Whoever decided that telling every school kid that dreams can come true is a scoundrel and an asshole.
I'm religious but I've been preparing for an earlier than expected death. God will just have to see me earlier. I'm sure that God will understand why I decided to ctb.
Anyways, that's me. I have other issues but I'll save those for later posts.
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soundwave, Caerula, Cyanide and 1 other person
29 years old from Argentina. Bullied in school, i developed social phobia around 12-13 years old. And since 3 years ago, I developed some weird case of PGAD (this is the closest as a description of what's happening to me, although i found it only affects women). It's like a slow torture which gets worse upon certain stimuli and it's embarrasing to discuss. Meds have helped a bit but still i'm pretty uncomfortable.
Female. NJ. 21 and turning 22 in a couple of months.
I've been suicidal since late elementary school because of misanthropy and a general fear of living itself. As a kid, I have always been afraid of the future and everything it brings (independence, death, and change especially). I felt like I wouldn't be able to be an "adult" like everyone else, and every small change I saw in the people around me or my circumstances wore me out completely. Any sort of potential in me to grow as a person died out early because of the constant worries and fears that I held growing up. I don't have any social/communication skills and have lost all of my real life friends. The last real friends I've had were in middle school, and the friendships have slowly broken apart since then. I've made some acquaintances from college but they were temporary relationships built around classes and so I don't contact them at all. My last acquaintance-friend recently stopped texting me last semester (ouch) and I don't plan on messaging her anymore to respect her wishes. I wouldn't like to talk to myself either haha ;;
Growing up, I hated my family. I hated my sister who had a big influence on my life but wasn't the best influence (not in terms of drugs, violence, or alcohol; in fact, I've had a relatively sheltered lifestyle except for being bullied). She left the family late 2016 to live with a guy with no future on the other side of the US. I also hated my parents who gave birth to me without my consent and brought me into this world to suffer. I was and am a closeted bi, but I have a hard time coming to terms with admitting that I can like men so I have always labeled myself as a closeted lesbian. Probably because I don't have the best experiences with men and am generally more attracted to women. In fact, it feels weird admitting it here lol. My sexuality is the one thing I would never tell my parents. I don't want to disappoint them any more than I have. Because even if they don't say it out loud, I'm sure I've crushed their hopes far more times than kindled them.
Currently, most of the anger and resentment against the people around me has turned into fear (this development occurred around high school). I've physically grown up more than I wanted to. I'm technically an 'adult' now but I feel like a mutant baby in the shell of an adult. As I've never held a job before, I'm completely dependent on my parents and have no professional skills. I'm basically living the fears I've feared since forever. And it'll only get more 'real' when I graduate next year, with no job prospects, as a CBN major who literally forgets everything she learns after she takes her exams. I plan to CTB before I graduate to escape (future, life, everything). It was always pushed off every year because I was afraid but unlike the me in middle school or high school, I can't lie to myself anymore that I have time left. After graduation, I can only imagine the permanent, undeniable shame and disappointment I'll bring to my family.
Sorry about this whole jumbled mess of an introduction!
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I'm regretfully. 28, Male, Midwestern US. I've had every advantage and I've thrown them all away. I've been depressed for most of my adult life, probably. I finally sought treatment recently but it went poorly. I met someone from an early portion of my life and I stopped coping as well as I'd been. There's nothing left in my life to hope for, socially, romantically, or professionally. I'll never be good enough and I am unwilling to settle for the dull half-life I deserve. I hate myself and I hate my nuclear family ( the only people I'm in contact with/live with) but I'm too afraid of surviving CTB'ing to do it until I have the resources to guarantee it works. Thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope things work out the way you'd most like them to.
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FTL.Wanderer, soundwave, ReleaseMe and 3 others
Hey all, I'm originally from Aus but now call Europe my home. I'm male and heading into my more senior years you could say. This is my first public reply on this forum.
A little bit of background for you all:
Have been quite depressed for over 6 months now, this all started due to personal changes in my life-a lot of them of my own making I might add. Unfortunately, some severe physical problems have also dogged me over the last year as well. I don't want to go into it too much detail, it's all pretty grim and I face a situation where I may have to go into care in the near future. Hopefully this is a way off but I really don't know.
Thank you to those who opened this forum in the first place to encourage open and honest discussion. The topic we all meet to discuss is not an easy one and I am not here to influence anybody one way or the other. However, I do believe fervently in the right to free speech and feel that this is an important place where those who are suffering can come to talk.
If I can seek some advice on this forum and also read and empathise with your stories, then I hope my presence is not unwelcome.
You must forgive me, I missed the boat on the internet when it all took off in the 90s and am catching up, so if I'm posting in the wrong places etc, or asking too many questions please let me know.
Enough of my babbling. Thank you and hope I can post more when I figure out how to do it.
Well done for making your debut here. This is my first post here too.
So much in your post I can relate to, including being into my senior years (third trimester of life, assuming a life expectancy of 90 - which I hasten to add is totally not going to happen).
I too am Australian, but..(cue in Peter Allen)... Istill call Australia home.
Life circumstances bring me to this space, the last 20 years or so not being as I'd have once expected. All my own doing, I'll readily admit; probably wasn't all that adept at life to start with, having got so many of the basic things things wrong.
Although not depressed in a clinical sense, I am depressed with the deeply unpleasant life conditions I now find myself in, which of course are part and parcel of my present circumstances. Things will only worsen as I get older, but already I've about reached the point where I feel enough's enough and have been preparing myself accordingly.
Hope to run into you again in this space.
Take care.
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29yo, almost 30, failed at everything in life. Addiction (mainly alcohol and cannabis) also diagnosed with depression, borderline etc. Been to psych ward, rehabs etc a couple of times. from germany.
Hello @ReleaseMe, sorry to hear about what you've been going
thorough. I really empathise with your situation. Addiction is something that I have also dealt with during my life.
Mein Deutsch ist nicht so gut aber es hat mir interessant gemacht zu lesen dass du von Deutschland bist.
Well done for making your debut here. This is my first post here too.
So much in your post I can relate to, including being into my senior years (third trimester of life, assuming a life expectancy of 90 - which I hasten to add is totally not going to happen).
I too am Australian, but..(cue in Peter Allen)... Istill call Australia home.
Life circumstances bring me to this space, the last 20 years or so not being as I'd have once expected. All my own doing, I'll readily admit; probably wasn't all that adept at life to start with, having got so many of the basic things things wrong.
Although not depressed in a clinical sense, I am depressed with the deeply unpleasant life conditions I now find myself in, which of course are part and parcel of my present circumstances. Things will only worsen as I get older, but already I've about reached the point where I feel enough's enough and have been preparing myself accordingly.
@subaspie. Thank you so much for your kind words. Please let me also relay my thanks for sharing your introduction and for welcoming me to this site.
What a beautiful song, I often think if Australia had an alternate national anthem that would be the one. It is interesting to note that I often whistle the tune to "Home Among the Gum Trees" as well. It always makes me think of home.
Thank you again and see you around the traps as they say.
Hi, I'm new here too, trying to figure out how this works
Im a 17 year old female in california. I have some anxiety issues, some eating disorder issues, lots of depression issues, and not much to live for. not sure about when im gonna CTB, no plans and no way, but honestly that option is all thats getting me through right now. Undiagnosed, unmedicated - my mom found out i was cutting myself and told me i was arrogant and selfish so there's that. self harm is my drug of choice, really, cant get through a day without self destructing a little.
Its really comforting to be here, and hear so many voices speak the thoughts in my head. Thank you
Listen, the voices are thoughts alright? Unless there's beamed radio wave voices in your head. Fasting is good for you. Work out a lot and then start fasting. You have to be normal weight to start fasting so you can see the healing effects. 24 hour fasts are good. 72 hour fasts are good. r/fasting is good. Plenty of people on there to 6:1. Eating one day after six days of fasting. Eat lots of stuff like eggplant witth lots of olive oil, other vegetables with olive oil, quinoa 2 hours before a work out. Run ten miles. That way the extra energy you consume will go towards putting on muscles that give your more shape. This way you wont find that you are eating and putting on only fat which will make you stop eating again. Cutting is euphoric sometimes, i recommend switching the pain euphoria habit to the pain of working out. Long distance running can lead to a lot of bone, lactic acid, muscle pull, ligament strain pains that can give you your rush of pain you are so used to. It can be used is a good way. I think it is an evolved mechanism that is meant to help us have a warrior mentality so we can win wars and progress in life since so much that is beneficial to us is very difficult. Embrace the challenge. It's important to consume more healthy calories and work out like a lot while you have the calories to your diet. Your body will not be trained to use the calories correctly is you don't work out a lot and will end up not very good looking and your figure will be shit. It is very important to look good. Not that fake be proud of every body stuff.
Hello @ReleaseMe, sorry to hear about what you've been going
thorough. I really empathise with your situation. Addiction is something that I have also dealt with during my life.
Mein Deutsch ist nicht so gut aber es hat mir interessant gemacht zu lesen dass du von Deutschland bist.
MI is made up. Nutritional deficiency and lack of exercise, friendship, confidence, is real. Try 20 hour fasting with a 72 hour fast mixed in on weekends. How you feel is a choice. Believe me. Also it is very important to have compassion. For others especially. Think about giving to others instead of expecting from them. That is how you make bonds.
So can you be section 12'd in germany, can you be put in a psych ward for having delusions even if they are not effecting anything? Can you be put in a psych ward for being suicidal? What is the system like there? Did you report yourself or did someone else?
A drug messed up my body and mind . I lost my metabolism(and ability to workout and have muscles), went through depersonalization, severe akathisa. I hate the world that supported forcing people to take drugs.
Italian, i'm young but i prefer to keep my age private. I'm very unhappy with my appearance. Look matters worldwide, but in Italy girls are obsessed with it. I' ve never had a girlfriend, since i was 12 i've always been mocked for my face. I've always been kind with everyone, but an ugly person can't do anything, sadness is something that you have to experience until you die. I'll ctb in June 2019, probably hanging in a forest. I would go for N but i'm a student and i prefer to save up some money and leave them to my family to pay my funeral.
I think what Typx is asking is, "Why are you on here when so many of your posts seem to filled with mundane feel-good self-help advice?" I can't blame others for suspecting you of being a pro-lifer in disguise.
I think what Typx is asking is, "Why are you on here when so many of your posts seem to filled with mundane feel-good self-help advice?" I can't blame others for suspecting you of being a pro-lifer in disguise.
I've been really impressed with how little people judge and give out unsolicited advice on here. I think that's what a site like this should be about. But things like "MI is made up.", "How you feel is a choice. Believe me.", and many others seem to fly in the face of this.
I think what Typx is asking is, "Why are you on here when so many of your posts seem to filled with mundane feel-good self-help advice?" I can't blame others for suspecting you of being a pro-lifer in disguise.
I've been able to enjoy my life before I was drugged. I give out advice that helped me be happy. My opinion is that victim mentality dictates the tendency for people to make an enemy out of me. I'm not deepak chopra saying word jumble stuff, I am speaking of things that actually work. Life needs yin and yang. To much selflessness and you get taken advantage of, and too much selfishness and you won't make bonds. To me, a lot of people in these circles are to selfless, always apologizing to people, and then save all of the selfishness for when they are alone. When this happens to me what is happening is they are regretting not being a bit more selfish before when they were not alone or doing something. When you are alone and yearning for the things you don't have, complaining about it when you have a working body(I Don't), you not being optimal, you are playing victim. Did someone inject you with a torture drug that slows your metabolism and takes your personality? Happiness isn't like winning the genetic lottery, it's about putting in effort. Fake until you make it works. FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT WORKS! real real thing. This is why, acting like you are energetic and full of good energy and compassion when you talk to somebody, feels foreign for the first few times you do it. How do you build character? By acting a certain way, so every new act that advanced your personality is faking. Your personality is comprised of the things you do. The extra effort you put in to spur the change of habit, is an act that displays your character. It is all about playing mind games with your self to get the most out of yourself. Lowering the stakes in the moments and heightening them a little bit after wards is helpful at times if you get nervous about doing something. Weed can help with connecting to people. Most people are metaphorically at the bottom of the well with the rope but pretend they don't have the rope. Why? Because psychiatry has convinced people it is not a matter of effort, it is a matter of using their drugs. What a great advertisement. ED did not exist until viagra had to be sold. Psych illnesses didn't until prozac came out. I will go into detail more later as to how people have been duped into forgetting about the correlation between effort and progress. I'm not a negative person, I think life can be beautiful. Fake it till you make it works because it is just trying until you succeed but without the mind limits of thinking you don't deserve the fruit of your labor because you have a low ego of yourself. It doesn't exactly make sense, people want things but refuse to heighten their ego. Ego should be naturally high and interrupted by humbling psylocibin trips.
So can you be section 12'd in germany, can you be put in a psych ward for having delusions even if they are not effecting anything? Can you be put in a psych ward for being suicidal? What is the system like there? Did you report yourself or did someone else?
Yes you can be put into psych ward involuntarily, but I always consented. I was hospitalized two times because of depression/suicidality and had my family more or less force me into it, the other stays were all detox, rehab or some kind of inpatient "therapy"
I was introduced to this forum via someone I spoke to through another app. This individual referenced this forum and I am greatful I have a place to vent.
My story:
I been depressed since age 14-15, the depression came about due to situational changes and life circumstances in which I had no control over. From then on my depression wasn't treated until my senior year of high school. I will be turning 21 next year and I don't have it in me anymore to continue. I haven't become suicidal until last year, unfortunately this year is it for me. I see no light in the end, the only way out is freedom from this body and my appearance. A lot of my depression stems from a sense of self hatred, lack of self esteem, confidence, and being bullied for things I have no control
Over in the past has destroyed me mentally and emotionally. I wish to be responsible and pay off somethings I owe this year. However this year is truly it for me.
I've stated some stuff on this you might not want to hear. Look up Sebastian from Survivor. Good looking guy with a unique face. With that said I get it, there's a poetic feeling to killing yourself. Should people read Romeo and Juliet and think that their life is nothing without the girl? No, from what I hear, the males are able to be without a female and females are happier with a guy. Once a guy starts valuing a girl that highly, the girl will become not so attracted. What is attractive is a guy who is leading his own life who the girl can latch onto to be lead through the adventure of life.
Because there is no proof to the contrary, I believe that depression is not a disease but people reacting to their surroundings. I can trace back all the reasons why each part of my life was not ideal. Example: someone told me to not be so bossy as a kid, that caused me to be hesitant because my natural personality was based off of leading. My hesitancy converted into non-confidence. A parallel is ED. It did not exist until a viagra type pill came to the market and the advertising organizers decided to talk about lack of testosterone in terms of it being a disease. When people hear it being talked about as a disease, they think they need the drug. To them it's like getting a polio vaccine(btw a lot of vaccines are contaminated with poisonous chemicals). The same thing happened with antidepressants. A book came out supports the depression is a disease idea and that did a good job of selling the first antidepressants. Since at least millions have been made. Once the standard of removing people's rights was established through "if you have been subjectively diagnosed as mentally ill" loopholes, pharma supported psych wards were allowed to force antipsychotics into people because to much power had already been given to "mental illness treaters" because of people seeing news stories constantly speaking of a "mentally ill person" doing something horrible. If someone is robbing a bank and the kill all the witnesses. That is not mental illness but the guy problem solving the witness issue. I agree it is horrible, but it is a shame the guy is going to be forced to take antipsychotics in prison (which is chemical torture) based of of bs research. They force us to consume fluoride through the skin with showers and orally with drinking water. Sovereignty over your mind and body. It is a basic human right to be able to choose what goes in your body. Any resistance to that is orwellian. Is it not a dead giveaway that they FORCE the drugs into people. If they so obviously helped people wouldn't they want to reap the rewards? It is the same as flat earth vs globe earth and the earth revolves vs the sun and stars revolve. There is no proof we revolve around the sun or the earth is round but people are forced to believe it the mainstream's way. They force you to take torturous antipsychotics if you believe in flat earth. Orwelian. I do also understand the point of view that dictates people being too far engulfed in something like pharma psychobabble and have compassion for the people who don't want to admit they have been wrong for years. It is the same thing as people who do not want to admit there is a chance the twin towers situation was not exactly what the mainstream narrative was that was pushed. The person is so emotionally tied to what they remember seeing on tv that it would be an insult to their lack of awareness if they were to admit they could have been thinking about it the wrong way for many years. I remember watching it and understanding that it was crazy the a second one hit as the world was watching live. Then I found out about the other tower that fell. The world is interpreted a lot differently if we are the same as the replicas we have in the infinite universe. You might get a sense of being more special and blessed if you feel this is a very unique situation here on earth. If you think I'm blindly following flat earth, why can you see an island that is 100 miles away while standing 70 feet above sea level, and why do civil engineers not account fot the curvature of the earth when building canals, bridges, and 100 mile long railroads.
I'm a 40 year old lonely, depressed cynic. The feeling started in my late 20s and for the last 5 years wanting to CTB has been hard to ignore. I hardly have any family remaining and have zero friends. I pushed everyone away, they're gone and not coming back. Meh I had a good run, I just can't fake it anymore.
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