Venting Is it really worth dying for this reason?

[discman19999]

Hi,
I have no disease or any other form of long term suffering. I am almost 40 and up until now my life was great. I got a wife I met her when I was 20. We have two kids, we both have great jobs we have money all week to be fine .

Two weeks ago she stated she is breaking up because she was unhappy for the past years. She said she dropped hints I didn't catch, and that her love feelings are completely gone.

We still live together. I am crushed since then everyday is getting worse. When one day I don't have that chest pain of fear, I think a bit about a future. I can't imagine a life without her. I can't imagine living alone with my kids only there for limited time. I can't imagine doing stuff with my kids without my wife being around , we always had fun the 4 of us.

The weird thing is she is still wantijg me to stay in the apartment and to do stuff together with the kids. I told her it breaks me because I have to cry constantly each day behind their backs. I have chest pain, I have death wishes.

I read about the manual and I am about to get SN and the meds in the protocol to execute it. But I have my doubts. I don't really want to die. I just want my old life. I want to be happy family I want it all to be reversed but since this is no possibility I lean more and more towards ctb.
I don't care so much about the consequences of the left behind because I will be dead. But I am afraid , SI is strong I just want the pain to be gone and also I don't want the future that is ahead of me.

 

[TBONTB]

Hi,
I have no disease or any other form of long term suffering. I am almost 40 and up until now my life was great. I got a wife I met her when I was 20. We have two kids, we both have great jobs we have money all week to be fine .

Two weeks ago she stated she is breaking up because she was unhappy for the past years. She said she dropped hints I didn't catch, and that her love feelings are completely gone.

We still live together. I am crushed since then everyday is getting worse. When one day I don't have that chest pain of fear, I think a bit about a future. I can't imagine a life without her. I can't imagine living alone with my kids only there for limited time. I can't imagine doing stuff with my kids without my wife being around , we always had fun the 4 of us.

The weird thing is she is still wantijg me to stay in the apartment and to do stuff together with the kids. I told her it breaks me because I have to cry constantly each day behind their backs. I have chest pain, I have death wishes.

I read about the manual and I am about to get SN and the meds in the protocol to execute it. But I have my doubts. I don't really want to die. I just want my old life. I want to be happy family I want it all to be reversed but since this is no possibility I lean more and more towards ctb.
I don't care so much about the consequences of the left behind because I will be dead. But I am afraid , SI is strong I just want the pain to be gone and also I don't want the future that is ahead of me.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It sounds so painful. And shock and loss like this makes each day an ordeal.

I think it's too soon though to decide to CTB. You were happy and enjoying life before this painful shock. To me that says there is a very good chance you will feel this way again. The pain will get softer, you will have fun, you will enjoy your morning coffee, you will make new friends

And of course you have your children. They will be hurt by your CTB, so it's worth trying to hold on for a while, if you can, for them.

So what can you do right now to help make your adjustment? Do you have the ability or resources to find counseling or perhaps a divorce support group? Also, Chat GPT can be a good little therapist.

Sending best wishes

 

[somewhatdeadly]

looks like it

 

[AutisticAcademic]

That is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry. As an autistic person, mentioning that she said you missed social cues really made me feel your heartache.

The decision to end one's life is personal and only you can decide what a "good" reason is. But since you asked the opinions of the group, I would say it's not a good reason *at this time.* You are in shock and in the very first stages of grieving. It's never good to make big life (or death) decisions when emotions are high.

I think you should commit to giving life without her a fair shot. Set goals on moving forward (getting your own space, separating accounts, joining a club or activity to make new social connections). Maybe set a timeline (e.g. 1 year) and re-evaluate.

It is very possible you will look back and be grateful you gave yourself a second chance at life. It's also possible you won't. In that case, you can pass knowing you gave life your best effort.

 

[PI3.14]

Loneliness is extremely painful and I don't blame you wanting to CTB to avoid it.

However, it's too soon. I don't know if you both had a discussion already or not. Like what is exactly going on in her head.

Can you both do something to rekindle that love? Travelling together without the kids for example. Spending more quality time together, like going on dates.

Idk, I've never been in a relationship, but ordering SN after just two weeks is something I'm personally against, especially that you mention that you generally have a good life and I suppose fixing this current issue will mean that you're back to your good life again.

Take sometime, both of you, understand what's going on and what could be done.

 

[discman19999]

It's passed that she definitely wants to end the relationship. She kinda wants me around because she also has trouble being alone. But there is no hope to rekindle. She made that so clear that it hurt a lot. I was left before ok it was 20 years ago but I still know what's ahead of me but this time it's much worse because of the kids and I can't even remember how life is as single being

 

[getoutgirl]

A separation and specially one of such time spent together is one of the worst things to go through. I'm really sorry it happened and that you are now feeling this way because of it. It is completely understandable you do though.

I read about the manual and I am about to get SN and the meds in the protocol to execute it. But I have my doubts. I don't really want to die. I just want my old life. I want to be happy family I want it all to be reversed but since this is no possibility I lean more and more towards ctb.

Reading this I'm inclined to believe you do want to live, but are going through an extremely bad crisis. In a vulnerable position like that impulse can be a real risk, specially if you are going through it alone.
Clearly I don't know about you or your situation to counsel you in a meaningful way, but If I could share my opinion that would be that what you need most at the moment is support.
If you have great jobs and thus can afford it, I would contact a mental health professional immediately. Maybe one specialized in this, which there are plenty of. You do need that help, and it probably won't sort out everything immediately, it is bound to be a hard change in your life as a whole, but it can make it manageable sooner, easier to go through. And I'm sure any easier for your current mood and feelings it'd get would be greatly appreciated. You cannot stay like this.

A lot of people go through this, a lot of people make it out the other end. It is normal and human that you feel this way at the moment, as awful as it is. You can still be there for your children and live a life I think you still want to live, even if it all seems fuzzy and uncertain now, take it as easy as you can, please get support, and hold on to anything at the moment.
I hope it gets better and easier for you, I know it can. Big hug your way <3

 

[Sutter]

Hi,
I have no disease or any other form of long term suffering. I am almost 40 and up until now my life was great. I got a wife I met her when I was 20. We have two kids, we both have great jobs we have money all week to be fine .

Two weeks ago she stated she is breaking up because she was unhappy for the past years. She said she dropped hints I didn't catch, and that her love feelings are completely gone.

We still live together. I am crushed since then everyday is getting worse. When one day I don't have that chest pain of fear, I think a bit about a future. I can't imagine a life without her. I can't imagine living alone with my kids only there for limited time. I can't imagine doing stuff with my kids without my wife being around , we always had fun the 4 of us.

The weird thing is she is still wantijg me to stay in the apartment and to do stuff together with the kids. I told her it breaks me because I have to cry constantly each day behind their backs. I have chest pain, I have death wishes.

I read about the manual and I am about to get SN and the meds in the protocol to execute it. But I have my doubts. I don't really want to die. I just want my old life. I want to be happy family I want it all to be reversed but since this is no possibility I lean more and more towards ctb.
I don't care so much about the consequences of the left behind because I will be dead. But I am afraid , SI is strong I just want the pain to be gone and also I don't want the future that is ahead of me.

Mull it is.

Friend of mine poked a nose about your post. Few years ahead myself but close to the same pool that darkens a gaze. Have left off posting a fair bit, part curling with a friend and part well, thoughts don't walk as intended at times and disturbs a quiet set surface more than a stone skipping.

Just a way and not gentle so mull as such.

As it is, same for an old fox. Didn't turn from that feeling, that place, sat in it and visit it often. Two daughters, an ex wife, and 25 years ground to dust.

Started with love marrying her and was my own choice to end that way, an ass at times and more trouble than one would think with a stubborn streak. So, we told the daughters after Christmas, stayed together 7 more months. Sold a home, prepared wife to run alone, accounts and such. Purchased what they needed, helped rent an apartment, and moved out myself when it was done. Crushed a heart and a will but kept up with dishes and the mundane tasks. Worked through paperwork for what I didn't want to do and closed it out. Ex had and having a hard time with that decision, did not go as she imagined. No relief just a side step with the same troubles waving. Step away but help as I can, just moving as I'm made.

The rub, wasn't all one or the other and pays to push cloudiness from the eyes on what was done right and not, a settling of accounts so to speak. There are sights and primal moments to gather in the world, things to collect, small goals or large to achieve. They strip down for me though that another soul to love in any capacity is the slow coals that burn low in any season, even winter. Mine are about out, nudge them around a bit.

Barring my interest in leaving, there is a debt owed for daughters. To take a step with stubborn, cut years or a year at least to see what their need may be. The ripples left in a passing will happen regardless as death offers no reprieve. A balance perhaps between the two.

For me grief is not a process, no defined steps, and not a thumper following the man in the sky. Waves, waves of grief that don't wash when a soul wants. Come on their own as the wind blows them and that is the state of it. No all encompassing future, few thoughts here and there but more a bucket list. May be another foxy lady out there but some crisp reminders not young, all carry baggage, the requirements many have for a partner are more than a laugh or napping under Aspens.

Should know when I mentioned stubborn, there is a depth to that, madness maybe. Gave a question to whether or how my ex loved me if ever, on the same token though I loved her and knew what that was. Want to rest a bit but sprouted daughters so wait for them. Go for walks as the world is still what it was when I was young, pushing wind, waving leaves, snow that is taking its sweet time to say hello again. Most would walk 2-3 miles, walk 6-8. Weather doesn't halt a step.

Settling a ledger as best I can and will see if there is a smolder or ashes consumed to white. Would just as easily step on deaths toes, offer a smile, mention she may need some hand lotion, or sharpen a scythe to cut apples.

That grief is here and coming, not going to pass by. Waded in that pool myself, deep and on the shores, padded away and back. How I settle love, loss, tragedy, laughs, crooked smiles, knit brows, having it and not.

If you find run along the same shaded trails. Rumble and roar, chase your kids. Glue shoes to floor matts and run in the grass. Offer the wife an ear and stow your grief for that. Offer the best for what you loved. When the air turns crisp, let the forest call, pad for a bit and let a small fire crackle in a stone ring, the one placed on you when first you slobbered and met this world. Burn a few thoughts on love, what you did wrong, what you did right, give yourself grace and not.

Mull it all, leave the discman though, leaves talk, wind whispers, cold creeps, and stars sound better with the symphony of it all in the pauses you'll have.

A greet from a poking wet nose of an old fox with muddy paws. Will pad off but left a pine cone and a gaze or as you see it.

 

[MissAbyss]

After 20 years of being together, there are serious communication problems in my opinion.

First of all, playing hints and giving mixed signals at that age is very immature of her.

Have you discussed what has made her so unhappy in the relationship over the past few years? Is it something insurmountable that neither of you can work on?

It looks like she hasn't quite made up her mind entirely, she puts the ball in your court. Talk with her but only listen to what she has to say, without judging. Don't make or start an argue.

If she's is open for it, you know that she still is willing to work on the relationship. After that, maybe suggest seeing a relationship therapist.

Sending best wishes

 

[discman19999]

She stated

After 20 years of being together, there are serious communication problems in my opinion.

First of all, playing hints and giving mixed signals at that age is very immature of her.

Have you discussed what has made her so unhappy in the relationship over the past few years? Is it something insurmountable that neither of you can work on?

It looks like she hasn't quite made up her mind entirely, she puts the ball in your court. Talk with her but only listen to what she has to say, without judging. Don't make or start an argue.

If she's is open for it, you know that she still is willing to work on the relationship. After that, maybe suggest seeing a relationship therapist.

Sending best wishes

She stated very very clearly multiple times it's 100% over. There is nothing I can do. So that's not possible to win back.
Now it's suffering time. Or ctb