Kassender
Experienced
- Aug 29, 2018
- 251
It just dawned on me. I have absolutely nothing.
I'll turn 30 in 2 months and my dreams are all dead.
The rejection, the loneliness and humiliations,
I used to be able to make sense of them. I thought all that rage would explode in an awesome anthem to my neurosises. Something that would prove the whole world, that 'yes, i am worthy'.
I failed.
All the creative juices I had has been drained. There wasn't ever that much to begin with.
It was never about the art, but the connection.
Reaching people out so my pathetic existence and ego would get validated.
I'm nothing but a wannabe.
I've known it for a while, but it was ok.
As long as i'm not alone.
Which i am. I used to say people suck but it was just some kind of mantra i used to lie to myself.
Some protection to run from the fact that i am the problem.
I have nothing to offer people and i want to be an artist. Talk about irony.
I have a good job, and i actually like it, but I couldn't care less about it.
I want people, friends, family but i clearly don't deserve it.
The worst in this is i realize my upbringing has caused me to push absolutely everyone away without realizing it. I take, but i have absolutely nothing to give in return.
And yet, i keep trying to crawl back into the arms of the very people who
turned me into the 'less than everyone' i am.
And they still reject me. And it still fucking hurts because i have no one else anymore.
It just dawned on me that i really am all alone, no matter what anyone can say.
I have no one and nothing to offer the world. I am, quite literally, nothing but an annoyance.
So it's ok for me to go, I know catching the bus is what i have to do.
It's what i want, i don't give a shit about anything anymore at this point.
And even then i'm freaking out. I'm so afraid of what awaits me, in life or death.
It's time to move on, but i'm paralyzed.
Damn.
I'll turn 30 in 2 months and my dreams are all dead.
The rejection, the loneliness and humiliations,
I used to be able to make sense of them. I thought all that rage would explode in an awesome anthem to my neurosises. Something that would prove the whole world, that 'yes, i am worthy'.
I failed.
All the creative juices I had has been drained. There wasn't ever that much to begin with.
It was never about the art, but the connection.
Reaching people out so my pathetic existence and ego would get validated.
I'm nothing but a wannabe.
I've known it for a while, but it was ok.
As long as i'm not alone.
Which i am. I used to say people suck but it was just some kind of mantra i used to lie to myself.
Some protection to run from the fact that i am the problem.
I have nothing to offer people and i want to be an artist. Talk about irony.
I have a good job, and i actually like it, but I couldn't care less about it.
I want people, friends, family but i clearly don't deserve it.
The worst in this is i realize my upbringing has caused me to push absolutely everyone away without realizing it. I take, but i have absolutely nothing to give in return.
And yet, i keep trying to crawl back into the arms of the very people who
turned me into the 'less than everyone' i am.
And they still reject me. And it still fucking hurts because i have no one else anymore.
It just dawned on me that i really am all alone, no matter what anyone can say.
I have no one and nothing to offer the world. I am, quite literally, nothing but an annoyance.
So it's ok for me to go, I know catching the bus is what i have to do.
It's what i want, i don't give a shit about anything anymore at this point.
And even then i'm freaking out. I'm so afraid of what awaits me, in life or death.
It's time to move on, but i'm paralyzed.
Damn.
