Angst Filled Fuck Up
Visionary
- Sep 9, 2018
- 2,985
When I was younger, I viewed life as fairly linear. You were doing badly, okay, fine, but there would come a time where you improved. You'd turn a corner, have some great life circumstance lift you up and out, and you were golden.
Nowadays I think I view things as more cyclical, or recurring. It is probably naïve to think that if you've reviewed the possibility of ctb once in your life, that it's the only time you'll flirt with it.
Ctb has often felt like a soundtrack to my life. Like a kind of drum beat in the background of my day to day. I am confused by this on some level. I can't work out if that means it makes sense for me, or whether it's like a kind of shitty friend whispering things in my ear that I shouldn't be listening to.
There was a plan for my life. I wanted to become a geography professor. When I was a boy I would pore over maps and atlases for hours. I would memorize countries and capital cities. I also wanted to be married early and have kids. I studied advanced geography in high school and then went to university for it. At the time, I fell in love with my first real girlfriend and we were really serious. Of course, none of it worked out. I dropped out due to anxiety, and that girl ended up stomping all over my heart.
Years later and I am only able to work bits and pieces here and there. I've had countless failed relationships, and am saddled with medical debt, chronic/invisible illness, and stuck in a loveless situation I can't escape.
I am exhausted. I was up all night clutching my chest. I had some unknown "thing" yet again for which there is no explanation. I wish this shit would either just take me for real or fuck off completely. I am already grieving the loss of what I thought my life would be, and the many situational problems that have occurred since then. Now I am always in pain or discomfort, and I just don't know how to cope with everything having turned out so badly.
Some days I can handle this better than others, but today I am bleary-eyed and completely fed up. Things are starting to feel like a horror movie for me again, and I can't see beyond my current situation at all. If I really stop to think about it, which granted I try not to do too often, I don't think there's any way out.
Nowadays I think I view things as more cyclical, or recurring. It is probably naïve to think that if you've reviewed the possibility of ctb once in your life, that it's the only time you'll flirt with it.
Ctb has often felt like a soundtrack to my life. Like a kind of drum beat in the background of my day to day. I am confused by this on some level. I can't work out if that means it makes sense for me, or whether it's like a kind of shitty friend whispering things in my ear that I shouldn't be listening to.
There was a plan for my life. I wanted to become a geography professor. When I was a boy I would pore over maps and atlases for hours. I would memorize countries and capital cities. I also wanted to be married early and have kids. I studied advanced geography in high school and then went to university for it. At the time, I fell in love with my first real girlfriend and we were really serious. Of course, none of it worked out. I dropped out due to anxiety, and that girl ended up stomping all over my heart.
Years later and I am only able to work bits and pieces here and there. I've had countless failed relationships, and am saddled with medical debt, chronic/invisible illness, and stuck in a loveless situation I can't escape.
I am exhausted. I was up all night clutching my chest. I had some unknown "thing" yet again for which there is no explanation. I wish this shit would either just take me for real or fuck off completely. I am already grieving the loss of what I thought my life would be, and the many situational problems that have occurred since then. Now I am always in pain or discomfort, and I just don't know how to cope with everything having turned out so badly.
Some days I can handle this better than others, but today I am bleary-eyed and completely fed up. Things are starting to feel like a horror movie for me again, and I can't see beyond my current situation at all. If I really stop to think about it, which granted I try not to do too often, I don't think there's any way out.
