SecretDissociation
Suicide enthusiast
- Sep 11, 2022
- 398
Just realised that my father has diazepam and its in the kitchen cupboard, just sitting there. It's new since he got his prescription filled recently. I plan to CTB this Saturday (if the contingencies go to plan). I was worried about puking everything out. But I shouldn't. I have access to diazepam now. It should be okay now, right?
I have a plan in place, and I just need to stick to it lmao.
I plan on taking two diazepam pills, one 40 minutes before then another twenty minutes before I ingest SN. I think i won't need to ingest quietiapine anymore since I have diazepam. I'm going to buy hella juice (or just use squash) and down it 10 minutes after rinsing my ingesting SN and rinsing my mouth with mouthwash.
The problem is, I have this plan in place, but what if I become a coward. There are only three outcomes to this:
Out of cowardice, I retreat; out of arrogance, I fail; out of success and all things good, I die.
I like the last outcome. I won't be telling my care coordinator that I'm attempting. If she asks I won't say anything. She knows I have a plan, but that date was for the 18th July ish. I can't be living then. Too many contingencies, too many problems. If she asks this week, I will merely say I wish to take my life but I do not lie so I cannot tell you when, or how. She doesn't really do anything anyway. The mental health team don't do anything lmao. I'm still alive, right? That must mean I'm fine.
The only thing im thinking about, is booking a hotel, but i'd much rather just ctb at home. i'll be dead so i wont be there to deal with their trauma.
I have a plan in place, and I just need to stick to it lmao.
I plan on taking two diazepam pills, one 40 minutes before then another twenty minutes before I ingest SN. I think i won't need to ingest quietiapine anymore since I have diazepam. I'm going to buy hella juice (or just use squash) and down it 10 minutes after rinsing my ingesting SN and rinsing my mouth with mouthwash.
The problem is, I have this plan in place, but what if I become a coward. There are only three outcomes to this:
Out of cowardice, I retreat; out of arrogance, I fail; out of success and all things good, I die.
I like the last outcome. I won't be telling my care coordinator that I'm attempting. If she asks I won't say anything. She knows I have a plan, but that date was for the 18th July ish. I can't be living then. Too many contingencies, too many problems. If she asks this week, I will merely say I wish to take my life but I do not lie so I cannot tell you when, or how. She doesn't really do anything anyway. The mental health team don't do anything lmao. I'm still alive, right? That must mean I'm fine.
The only thing im thinking about, is booking a hotel, but i'd much rather just ctb at home. i'll be dead so i wont be there to deal with their trauma.
