Knives and Arteries

[You Can Call Me Al]

I am the least violent person I know, I can't even kill flies without feeling guilt. So despite the fact that there's no one that I hate except myself, I can't CTB via some way violent. But I think about suicide almost daily, and yet there are some days when I am just overwhelmed with this need to take a knife and slice through my skin from my knees up through the length of each thigh. After that, I imagine starting at the inside of my wrists to my elbows and at my throat down my abdomen the furthest I can go. Lastly I imagine dragging this knife down my face from above each eye to my chin and finally from the middle of my forehead to chin. This is a frequent fantasy of mine, but I could never because I shy away from self inflicted pain and violence. I couldn't cut my own skin. But tonight, stronger than ever, I wish I could mutilate myself, who I hate so much, until I bled and died. There's no where else I could ever admit this, so here I am I guess. Tonight has just been a more painful night than usual and here I am purging words since I can't use fucking knives.