Help Last ditch items to try when you have tried everything? (Must be affordable)

[GravityEnthusiast]

Hi everyone.

I'm a 20 something transgender woman. I have spent the majority of my life severely depressed, and have tried literally everything to treat it.

No, not figuratively, literally. I have tried literally every psychiatric medication in literally every class. There are no meds left to try.

In addition I have also tried TMS which was a massive waste of money. Ketamine and ECT are unattainable due to price.

I have also tried marijuana which doesn't help.

I am depressed because of certain conditions in my life. Unless I either have a massive perspective change or the circumstances that are making me depressed change, I don't think I can get better. It is not a question of psychiatry, I simply have a shitty life.

Here are the conditions that must change for me to not be depressed:

I am trans (cannot be changed) I am also post surgery and have changed my birth certificate so I cannot detransition for any reason.

Being trans is a death sentence in my career for certain reasons, and getting another job in my field is highly unlikely.

I am hated by a significant portion of the population and nobody gives me any quarter for any reason. People treat me like a fucking alien and would view my suicide as a net positive.

Nothing brings me any amount of dopamine, save for one exception featured next. You could show me the most beautiful sight in the entire world and I would feel nothing.

The one exception is doing things that are seriously dangerous. I longboard in the summer and snowboard in the winter and only start to feel alive above at least 30mph. 40mph feels really good.




I have loved ones that need me in their lives so I would like to avoid suicide. If I didn't have them in my life I am totally fine with going and I would have already done it if not for them.

I am seeking things to try or do that have a nonzero chance of significantly changing my entire perspective on life. These items must be affordable as due to my career I have next to zero money. I am unemployed at the moment and have all the time in the world.

I would like to avoid things that keep me from seeing my loved ones for longer than a week, so like, no backpacking across continents or anything.

Thanks for reading and responding.

 

[EternalShore]

I'm really sorry to hear about your awful situation. :( I hope it gets better for you somehow~ :) Have you checked out the sticky threads in the recovery section? :)

Recovery and Crisis Resource Compilation

The following are resources for you to reach out for help and support. We encourage you to seek recovery and be happy. Different resources work for different people, so we encourage you try several until you find what you need. Your happiness comes first. The list has been created from...

sanctioned-suicide.net

I don't have any sort of concrete solution myself (I'm still here after all~), but I know that a lot of people here suggest picking up a hobby that you enjoy and practicing in order to become better and better at it~ :) there's also spiritual stuff you can do like meditating (altho, that tends to just make me think more about it~ >_<) or becoming religious~
If you're able to, talking to people always makes me feel better, online here or elsewhere~ ^_^ and it's even better irl~ :)

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Have you done any good amount of meditation? I have a megathread. https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/meditation-megathread-pin-this.187169/

 

[GravityEnthusiast]

Have you done any good amount of meditation? I have a megathread. https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/meditation-megathread-pin-this.187169/

Yes. No change.

 

[kaleisgreatinsalad]

I just wanted to say that Ketamine can absolutely be affordable. There are websites where you meet with doctors and take microdosed amounts safely. It is called Joyus Ketamine just google that and it will give you all the information you need. It is around $150 a month to have I think almost daily doses. Also you can show financial need and it could become even cheaper. Please look into it!

 

[MBG]

I just wanted to say that Ketamine can absolutely be affordable. There are websites where you meet with doctors and take microdosed amounts safely. It is called Joyus Ketamine just google that and it will give you all the information you need. It is around $150 a month to have I think almost daily doses. Also you can show financial need and it could become even cheaper. Please look into it!

IIRC prescription ketamine is one of the drugs/medicines Elon Musk said he's taken. So I guess that an endorsement of sorts.

 

[bees.]

psilocybin has documented good results for treatment resistant depression if you are willing to go the backdoor route to acquire the shrooms necessary. definitely cheaper than a lot of options out there.

 

[MBG]

Also I've read that taking a full dose of Magic mushrooms can benefit you as much as a decade of therapy.

 

[Sabrinaxox]

If it is safe to do so in your country, maybe finding a support group with other trans/lgbt people might help a little? There are plenty of online spaces too :)

 

[secretghost]

This post made me so sad but also so eager to share my meager advice. It's coming from a place of sort of the reverse; I have some 'shit life syndrome' circumstances but I'm generally blessed in how my presentation in the world and how people receive me in society, I have a decent life of it was for anyone else but for me to live in

But full on sweetheart like you should consider doing anything in the world that you can go find opportunities to just receive positive social feedback or feel 'good' about yourself. Being a trans woman in this particular moment in world history is an unimaginably difficult position but a lot of trans women who come out the other side somehow end up significantly happier than they ever felt possible previously. I just really really really hope that you realize that there are places for you where you can feel better about yourself

A lot of people have recommended looking for LGBT support groups and resources and spaces and I agree. I don't know if you have any creative interests or pursuits but if there is anything at all you can interface with (drawing/painting sure but not everyone can do that so fiction or sims character creator or collage or drag or a sexy outfit you love) + be vulnerable to share and express with those people because people quite literally do need acceptance and validation and that is achievable but it is so so so much more difficult to do, realistically, for people depending on every person's uniques strengths and weaknesses and the luck of the dice of life.

Sorry to ramble at you. It really struck a heart chord reading this. Someone I care a lot about is a beautiful trans lesbian now and in a band and into punk DIY and thrift fashion and she has a wide and a life and I know the statistics and I know how unfathomably cruel the world is and I'm just so glad every day that found things that kept her here through the worst part. I so sincerely hope you find something that helps you, in this last ditch effort you described. Sometimes it's a matter of finding something that kind of helps or distracted or changes the context for another few months even if you don't find the thing that helps yet. I, too, have tried and failed so many medications I can't remember them all. I don't think one from every type but definitely at least one from every class. I sometimes feel that my efforts with standard psychiatry to help myself years ago low-key fried my brain for years because of the number of meds they put me on and yanked me off in just five years. Venlafaxine withdrawal with Adderall withdrawal at the same time was crazy because my overseeing medical professional didn't know about or didn't believe in titration.

I was planning to try mushrooms before I catch the bus, like you said as a last ditch effort, but I discovered in recent years I have a dissociative problem and some horrifying childhood experiences nearly closed away inside and I'm not hoping to finally remember all that, otherwise I'd definitely also be trying psychedelics?

Sending so much love