Venting Letting go of the last thread

[Cyagangy]

For weeks upon weeks, I have been fighting against my own traitorous psyche. I'm not proud to announce this but I have lost, pun not intended. I have lost both the last shreds of reason I had left and my very own mind continues to poison and delude itself further. Maybe the scariest thing about going insane isn't the fact that you are losing control in real-time. It's the fact that you can be complacent in that fact. If I committed murder right now I would never see the inside of a prison. I know that, obviously I would never but that fact is horrifying to me. Being insane doesn't mean you are just deluded beyond reason and now you're dumb. No, I am still very much the same smart I was beforehand, which isn't good because I'm fully conscious of every action I have made thus far. Even as I type this I am fighting back against my head to not go on a rant about God. I realized I had lost my brain when I got mad at my mom for asking me to skip a song. She dislikes dissonance in music and while yes I did as she told me, I was irrationally angry in my head. My thought process was just "God chose me to save people before tribulations and you won't bother to just listen to a 6-minute song?". Even at school, I didn't hide the fact that God warned me. I'm going to talk to my pastor but I'm afraid I might be too far gone. I even starved myself for whatever reason. I accept now is about the time I have reached the end. Though all things considered I would much rather die than be forced to take anti-psy for the rest of my life. Not that there is anything wrong with that but it's just now what I want. I have no journals or anything so I can't document me losing to psychosis in real time but I would have probably gotten rid of it by now. I can't even decide my feelings anymore I don't know if I want to laugh or cry or scream. I'm sometimes extremely wrathful and irritable or, at other times strangely calm. I don't know where to post my ramblings since I don't want to worry any of my family or Twitter friends. I genuinely thought my psychosis would either go away or at least take years to worsen but 3 weeks was all it took for me to realize that I have become a slave to ideals that aren't even mine. Since I once again have little time I'm going just to keep writing and let my psyche leak upon my pages. As Ceaser A Cruz said, "Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable". Then I could at least attribute my thoughts about God as a story instead of me preaching.

 

[Forever Sleep]

This sounds so strange and frightening to go through. I'm so sorry you are suffering like this. The brain is so strange. I'm a big David Bowie fan and his half brother suffered with psychosis. He was always afraid it would one day affect him too. Sometimes I think about it too. Like- are we even aware it's happening? Similarly with things like dementia- some people seem to be aware of it happening to them and others, not. Sometimes I think it must be so much worse to be aware of it.

 

[Mirrory Me]

That sounds similar to me, but I understand in a sense there's something in me that keeps me expecting to go with the same issues in life. Currently I am trying to figure out what's the opposite of my negative core imprint, so I can perhaps change my life to be less painful:

 

[Cyagangy]

This sounds so strange and frightening to go through. I'm so sorry you are suffering like this. The brain is so strange. I'm a big David Bowie fan and his half brother suffered with psychosis. He was always afraid it would one day affect him too. Sometimes I think about it too. Like- are we even aware it's happening? Similarly with things like dementia- some people seem to be aware of it happening to them and others, not. Sometimes I think it must be so much worse to be aware of it.

It is way worse to be aware of it. Atleast if I could succumb without knowing I'm insane and deluded I could atleast be happy in my delusions but I'm not even granted that. I doubt any of this would have happened if I didn't attempt suicide. The brain attempts to pick up the pieces of why you aren't gone and it will come in strange ways of it cant make sense of the fact.

 

[maniac116]

I'm sorry for your turmoil.
I was a psych nurse. From my experiences, if you think you're crazy you are not.
Truly insane people don't see their own craziness & in some instances defend it, explaining away the crazy behavior.
Again, I'm sorry for your state & hope you're able to find some level of peace

 

[Cyagangy]

I'm sorry for your turmoil.
I was a psych nurse. From my experiences, if you think you're crazy you are not.
Truly insane people don't see their own craziness & in some instances defend it, explaining away the crazy behavior.
Again, I'm sorry for your state & hope you're able to find some level of peace

I don't think im crazy, apparently people with hallucinations and psychosis can still be aware. I have moments where I am but I have fully believed my delusions. Thanks for letting me know anyway.