Venting Living with anorexia

[Griever]

Living with anorexia feels like being trapped in a house that's slowly falling apart - only I built it, and I still refuse to leave.

Every mirror is a battlefield. I stand there, staring, dissecting, measuring flaws I know others can't see. But I see them. I feel them. They whisper cruel things, louder than any voice of reason. Food is not nourishment anymore. It's guilt. It's control. It's fear.

I wake up tired, always cold, always dizzy. My heart beats like it's unsure whether it should keep going. My thoughts revolve around calories, numbers, rituals. I lie to people I love, smiling as I say I've already eaten, while my stomach twists in emptiness.

Friends drift away, not knowing how to help. Family watches me fade, helpless, angry, scared. But no one is harder on me than I am. It's not about being thin anymore. It's about disappearing. About proving I can control something in a world that often feels out of control.

I miss laughter that wasn't followed by shame. I miss meals that were just meals - not battles. I miss being alive in a way that wasn't measured by the scale.

But anorexia doesn't care about that. It promises safety while slowly killing me. And sometimes, I'm too tired to argue with it.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

About proving I can control something in a world that often feels out of control.

I totally relate to this. I don't have an ED. I have OCD. It only started in my 30s, so I am convinced it was a control issue that started it. And I can easily see why someone's mind would go down the ed path. Mine could have, it just happened to choose another way.
I'm sorry for your suffering.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I relate as well. been with Ana since middle school. many years. I feel like if I don't off myself i'll probably end up having a heart attack or stroke.

 

[GlassMoon]

Your message is so heartfelt I can feel your pain in it

I miss meals that were just meals - not battles. I miss being alive in a way that wasn't measured by the scale.

But anorexia doesn't care about that. It promises safety while slowly killing me. And sometimes, I'm too tired to argue with it.

Like @NoPoint2Life I also have OCD, mine is mostly related to eating though. I feel these lines of yours are so relatable for me as well. I'm overweight but of course don't want to be. But I can't stand the feeling of hunger, I'm afraid I'll faint or can't think right. I know I feel full but I still need to eat something to get through the next appointment or the next night. At the same time I'm afraid of gaining more weight, so I try to eat whole-grained stuff. But when it matters, when I must stay in control of myself, I only eat the things I know I can rely on, also defined by their number or their weight. So yes, it's a battle, just as yours is.

 

[Blueberry Panic]

I have bulimia and I've been with people who've had anorexia and people with other eating disorders. It's hell on everyone who has to deal with them. You're not alone in this

 

[Dejected 55]

Anorexia and other similar eating/body issue disorders really break my heart. People (kids and adults) can be cruel and our society definitely tends to lean into encouraging that cruel when it comes to weight, especially for women.

It's one thing to want to be your best self, it's also a thing if someone isn't attractive to you or someone doesn't find you attractive for pretty much any reason as long as they aren't cruel about it. Like... I don't have to be attracted to a girl who is nice to me if I think she isn't physically my type... but I don't have the right to belittle her over how she looks.

Anyway, societal pressure aside... then you add in the disease that creeps in and even if you have people telling you that you look good, you don't believe them and you hate yourself and you try to starve yourself to death to be perfect.

I breaks my heart every time. You see beautiful souls hurting themselves to achieve perceived perfection that doesn't even exist in reality.

I can only speak for myself, as a man, and say that I find a wide range of body types in women to be attractive. For me personally, I acknowledge looks are the first thing I notice in a woman but there are so many pretty women I don't give a second look to because I don't know them... meanwhile, women I get to spend time with and get to know their personalities and interests become so much more attractive to me beyond how others might see them physically and then I find it hard to differentiate their physical beauty from their spiritual beauty.

If people could just be more kind and accepting and open to each other... you don't have to love or lust or want to screw every man or woman you meet... just be kind and talk to them and give them a chance to be themselves and I feel like a whole lot of these eating disorders could be pushed away. If we didn't overvalue one of the least important parts of ourselves to the point where people end up killing themselves in the pursuit of impossible perfection, this is one of the few disorders I think we could wipe out more easily.

What I don't know, is when you are caught in the throes of it... it wouldn't matter if I or 1000 people like me tell you that you're attractive. You won't listen until you believe it yourself. And with our society sending the wrong messages too often to girls especially from a young age, I don't know how to combat that. We as a humanity can do better. We must do better.

As alone and lonely as I am and how I don't put a lot of stock in things people say to me as advice... I can say with conviction about this particular issue, you should not listen to anyone ever tell you that you weigh too much or aren't pretty because you weigh too much. Don't let anyone ever put you down for how you look. That's first. I'm lonely, and sometimes I feel horrible and think I am completely ugly and fat, but if someone else told me I was ugly and fat I'd tell them to go screw! Only evil people will tell you such things.

Second, the other part... your self-image... that's something you unfortunately have to get a handle on yourself. It can start with discounting what others say and not trying to be what you think they want you to be. Just try to be yourself, whoever that is. I always tell people I don't wear clothes to be trendy or impress. I wear clothes for comfort first and to not be naked second! I comb my hair for me, not for others. Sometimes I want to weigh less because I'm better able to do something or feel more energetic, but that's ME deciding it not society.

I'm going on too long here and maybe not being super helpful. This just triggers me a little because I've seen a lot of people develop complexes and a few people develop disorders after being constantly told they are too fat, and I hate people who make you feel that way about yourself. Try and block that stuff out and be who you want to be and be healthy even if healthy means you are bigger than some rando thinks you "should" be.

 

[yarv]

I want to put a massive trigger warning on what I'm about to say, just because after nearly a decade of being in recovery, I have had my first full blown relaspe. Please be safe, Ill extra censor when they come up.

Spoiler: TW ED

I was recently prescribed adderall which for my all around well being and productivity has been a good send, I lost a little weight here and there but over all I was being fairly responsable.NUMBERi lost roughly ten pounds, and right before my doctors appointment I loaded up on water and kratom so I would not be able to use the bathroomWell last week my dose go doubled, and I under up with an extra 30 pills by happen stance. I have lost so much weight this week(15 pounds), to the point where I could die.

Relapsing after so much time has been a weird thing, it feels like seeing a friend you haven't seen in years. I keep having this wave of coldness wash over me, and it is the most comforting feeling I've had in awhile. An old friend I saw today told me I look amazing. I don't know how I'm going to get out of this to be honest, I'm going to eat something tonight as it's been too long and I'm worried about fainting at work, as my parents would recognize that immediately and send me back to inpaitent.

However, it's been really scary for me, as I want to move out soon, but I know I will starve myself to death or make my heart explode. I don't know what to do, I have severe PTSD from my year in an eating disorder facility, but as of now I'm not too worried about it. There's this feeling I can describe only as solace. This comforting hopelessness, it's a crushing realization that I am happiest and the most confident when I'm starving. I don't know if I'll make it out of this one, but I do want to offer my support, so PLEASE reach out if any of you guys need help taking steps towards recovery, or even just an ear about the topic.

 

[Griever]

Thank you guys, I appreciate it and it really means a lot to me

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

Every time I think I've "recovered", I'm just flat out delusional. It changes form for me, since I decided to CTB, I've started binging for the first time. I think for me it's about control more than anything. Definitely not for the gaze of anyone else, I'm sure subjectively I look better now to others, even though it repulses me.
When I was young, everyone I knew called me Anna (not my name, obvs) & I was so fucking proud of that, it's twisted. And then I had a medical issue where I temporarily gained weight & I stopped getting called Anna & I grieved & mourned that like a death, or a death of part of myself.
I have never once been able to describe it to someone else so that they could understand - I've managed to talk about rape, PTSD, anxiety etc & make myself understood, but I defs believe there are some illnesses others just simply can't wrap their heads around.
I think anorexia is like the old telling people with depression to have a laugh instead of an antidepressant & that'll just cheer you up - people still seem convinced a good meal will somehow fix it.
It's fucked up that I was underweight to the extreme, but if I keep binging, I'm gonna die with a healthy BMI. That is a very complicated thought for me, I don't have the tools to unravel all the fucked upness this adds on top of everything else.
Sorry for long post, I don't talk about it much, it's the part of me I least understand as well. Control & pride, I get, damage from parental abuse I get, the rest is still a mystery.
I actually feel shame admitting to the bingeing & feel physically ill at the thought of dying in a healthy weight range, am avoiding mirrors from repulsion, getting complimented every day on looking healthier.
Aaaaggghh - I can see why I normally avoid this topic, it's too hard to talk about my best friend / worst enemy.
Good luck to all....

 

[Griever]

Every time I think I've "recovered", I'm just flat out delusional. It changes form for me, since I decided to CTB, I've started binging for the first time. I think for me it's about control more than anything. Definitely not for the gaze of anyone else, I'm sure subjectively I look better now to others, even though it repulses me.
When I was young, everyone I knew called me Anna (not my name, obvs) & I was so fucking proud of that, it's twisted. And then I had a medical issue where I temporarily gained weight & I stopped getting called Anna & I grieved & mourned that like a death, or a death of part of myself.
I have never once been able to describe it to someone else so that they could understand - I've managed to talk about rape, PTSD, anxiety etc & make myself understood, but I defs believe there are some illnesses others just simply can't wrap their heads around.
I think anorexia is like the old telling people with depression to have a laugh instead of an antidepressant & that'll just cheer you up - people still seem convinced a good meal will somehow fix it.
It's fucked up that I was underweight to the extreme, but if I keep binging, I'm gonna die with a healthy BMI. That is a very complicated thought for me, I don't have the tools to unravel all the fucked upness this adds on top of everything else.
Sorry for long post, I don't talk about it much, it's the part of me I least understand as well. Control & pride, I get, damage from parental abuse I get, the rest is still a mystery.
I actually feel shame admitting to the bingeing & feel physically ill at the thought of dying in a healthy weight range, am avoiding mirrors from repulsion, getting complimented every day on looking healthier.
Aaaaggghh - I can see why I normally avoid this topic, it's too hard to talk about my best friend / worst enemy.
Good luck to all....

I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering

 

[FoxSauce]

Reading your post moved me really.I wasn't diagnosed with anorexia or other eating disorder but in the pandemic I struggled a lot with my self image and I thought if i lost weight people would like me more, I was a chubby kid and I wanted to better myself but I took it to far to the point I refused to eat anything other than organic.

My meals consist of apples and peanut butter for breakfast , salad for lunch and dinner salad. If I ate anything "bad" I would punish myself by not eating or exercise twice to punish myself, lost my period , I was at 99 pounds, I refused to seel help.

One day I just opened my eyes and saw what I did to myself


I wish I could say I hope you'll feel better but that would condescending. I offer you big hugs and telling you your not alone. Its super brave of you wanting to talk about your struggles.

Best of wishes!♡


Edit- im not sure if talking about food and pounds could be triggering so let me know and I'll delete that part. I dont want to cause anyone harm

 

[Griever]

Reading your post moved me really.I wasn't diagnosed with anorexia or other eating disorder but in the pandemic I struggled a lot with my self image and I thought if i lost weight people would like me more, I was a chubby kid and I wanted to better myself but I took it to far to the point I refused to eat anything other than organic.

My meals consist of apples and peanut butter for breakfast , salad for lunch and dinner salad. If I ate anything "bad" I would punish myself by not eating or exercise twice to punish myself, lost my period , I was at 99 pounds, I refused to seel help.

One day I just opened my eyes and saw what I did to myself


I wish I could say I hope you'll feel better but that would condescending. I offer you big hugs and telling you your not alone. Its super brave of you wanting to talk about your struggles.

Best of wishes!♡


Edit- im not sure if talking about food and pounds could be triggering so let me know and I'll delete that part. I dont want to cause anyone harm

Thanks for sharing this with us, and no, it's fine, you don't have to delete it

Your custom title "Emotionally unstable like an IKEA table" really made me laugh because the phrase is kind of funny and applies to me