Venting Lost SN, Lost Hope - I just want to die!

[3FailedAttemptss]

I don't know what to do, and I feel like a broken record. I was planning to commit suicide with sodium nitrite. I had finalized my protocol and gotten the meds I needed, I'd written all of my goodbyes, including a final post for SaSu. I was so careful to be secretive when I picked up the sodium nitrite and I hid it well. Then, out of nowhere, my mother came into my room and asked if I'd bought poison???
Apparently, someone I trusted told my family I was planning to kill myself. This led to me being thrown in the psych ward and having to tell my mom where the sodium nitrite was hidden so she could confiscate it

It's so frustrating. I was that close-all the puzzle pieces were falling into place and | could finally kill myself. Then, everything was flipped on its head and now I'm back at square one in the psych ward with no sodium nitrite, no nothing. I'm writing this out of frustration and desperation. I'm a schizo and have a voice in my head that tells me to kill myself. For a while, it was a relief to be able to tell that voice, 'Rest assured, I'm doing everything in my power to make it happen.' But just a moment ago, the voice told me to kill myself again, and I'm so frustrated that there's nothing I can do. I'm trapped in the fucking psych ward.

I just feel like a failure. It's unreal how many times I've attempted suicide, and I'm still alive. It makes me feel like a fraud, a phony, an imposter. I feel like I should be fucking dead by now; it's insane that I'm not.
It's also really uncomfortable that my family is now so acutely aware of how suicidal ! am. This isn't something I ever wanted to talk about with them or have them know about me. It just feels wrong. But now, because of them, I'm in the psych ward. I know they're just trying to protect me, but my mental illness makes life unbearable.

I just want to die. I really, really just want to die.

 

[Galahad]

Sorry to ask, but I feel bound to ask, how old are you?

 

[ForestGhost]

I would reflect on why you felt the need to tell someone (who is, presumably, not from this site) about your plans. Did you subconsciously want someone to know the pain that you're in? It's understandable, I think everyone here wants to do that to some extent, but it's not conducive to executing your plan for exactly the reason you said. Do you still feel like you have some attachments to this world? It seems like you're now at a pretty big inflection point in your life, and my gentle advice is to think about if you really want to die or if it would be possible to springboard this chance you've been given for a shot at recovery. Wish you all the best in whatever path you choose.

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

I would reflect on why you felt the need to tell someone (who is, presumably, not from this site) about your plans. Did you subconsciously want someone to know the pain that you're in? It's understandable, I think everyone here wants to do that to some extent, but it's not conducive to executing your plan for exactly the reason you said. Do you still feel like you have some attachments to this world? It seems like you're now at a pretty big inflection point in your life, and my gentle advice is to think about if you really want to die or if it would be possible to springboard this chance you've been given for a shot at recovery. Wish you all the best in whatever path you choose.

I think you're reading too much into why I told people. I told two people I met on Minecraft that I was going to kill myself with sodium nitrite. I'm very careful online and gave them no personal information, so had no expectation they could contact my family- and I'm still not even sure that's what happened. I was genuinely shocked when my sister found out. I told them because obviously my suicide means a lot to me, and it feels natural to share something that is so significant. It wasn't a subconscious cry for hope; I was completely done with my preparations and was just waiting for the right moment.

One of the people I told shared my views on suicide, so of course I would share my plans with them. In hindsight, I see it didn't help my plan, but I couldn't have predicted this outcome. I don't feel attached to this world, and the only thing that really interests me is learning about schizophrenia.

This feels like an inflection point, but not really. I've spent so many months in psych wards that it just feels like routine. I'm not against recovery. I've said before that I just need something to change, whether that's suicide or recovery. It doesn't matter to me. The state I am in right now is unbearable. I was dialed in and ready for suicide, and I guess now the focus will be recovery. I don't really care about it, but I don't mind it. It's just that killing yourself seems so much easier and more tempting, and I've already made peace with it.

 

[Upon a hanging Body]

When it comes to people figuring out suicidal intentions Id recommend always to keep them to yourself or at least keep it between you and someone is 100 percent trust worthy.
It seems your family has caught on to what you want to use to commit suicide with and as much as sn is a great method you might need to reevaluate what method you should try.

 

[Hiro Uchiha]

This happens more often than we think. That's why many of us are reluctant to open up to people we know, even if we trust them the most.

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

When it comes to people figuring out suicidal intentions Id recommend always to keep them to yourself or at least keep it between you and someone is 100 percent trust worthy.
It seems your family has caught on to what you want to use to commit suicide with and as much as sn is a great method you might need to reevaluate what method you should try.

I think you're right, and I do need to start thinking about other methods. It's just that the other methods seem so uncomfortable in comparison. I would really love to just sleep in in my own bed.

This happens more often than we think. That's why many of us are reluctant to open up to people we know, even if we trust them the most.

I really thought I was doing things right. I was talking to people I've met through Minecraft. I really thought they would have no possible way of contacting my family. Again, I'm not even sure that's what happened, but I've only told two people who I met online through Minecraft who have no idea who I am in real life, and then somehow my sister's contacted and alerted to the fact that I have SN.

 

[moonmuse]

what you gonna do then? you are in a really tough spot quite understandable

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

what you gonna do then? you are in a really tough spot quite understandable

For the time being, there's not really anything I can do. Being stuck in a psychiatric ward kind of limits your options. I was thinking of trying partial suspension hanging, but that could also backfire spectacularly with resulting in me staying here for a lot lot longer. So I think I'll just try to keep up appearances, perform wellness and act like I'm getting better.

 

[EmptyBottle]

Hopefully you can leave the ward soon.

I think you're reading too much into why I told people. I told two people I met on Minecraft that I was going to kill myself with sodium nitrite. I'm very careful online and gave them no personal information, so had no expectation they could contact my family- and I'm still not even sure that's what happened.

If the username on minecraft was similar to usernames used on other social media, guessing etc (maybe even using OSINT tools) can link the 2... if faces on that social media [platform a] match on [platform b] (idk what premium OSINT tool can connect both tho)... and family is 'friended' on [platform b], then either they, or some admin reading the messages could contacted family.

I've probably made opsec errors on other platforms... while I have privated most stuff, I kept 1 platform unprivated in case someone replies to a post or smth... and that platform links friends. Idk what typing correlation software is there tho. At least SaSu asks ppl to use unique names to defeat some OSINT tools.

Buuut SaSu should have a red notice saying "be very careful with who you trust" and give examples where trusting has gone wrong. Doesn't mean I'd be paranoid and watching every food prep I can... barricading doors at night to avoid surprise insider attack (unlikely imo... but the news says it is possible)... etc... but I'd be more careful with my words.