Venting Maybe all of this just isn't real

[Polyxo]

I have a privileged life, a loving family, but I want to die. I already ordered SN and am planning to get anti emetics to make sure it kills me once my CTB date comes. Despite it all, maybe I'm just having a temper tantrum. Maybe I'm just an ungrateful child and a bad daughter/sister/friend. Maybe I'm just lazy. Maybe I'm just failing because I'm too cowardly. Do I want to die because I'm lazy and just don't want to do the hard thing that's living like everyone else? Maybe I'm not even mentally ill. Doesn't everyone fantasize about suicide at some point in their lives? Could be that I'm just overdramatic. I have never gone to a therapist in my life to be diagnosed with anything. I don't think therapy will fix me. I want to fix myself by dying. It's the answer I've chosen.

 

[Pale_Rider]

Maybe it's just growing pains?

 

[Renato]

Maybe I'm just lazy. Maybe I'm just failing because I'm too cowardly. Do I want to die because I'm lazy and just don't want to do the hard thing that's living like everyone else?

I wonder about stuff like that too, sometimes. Of course I'm not in other (normal) people's mind so I don't know how common certain thoughts are but I believe that there is a difference between having a vague thought a couple of times in a lifetime versus having recurring ideations from childhood to adult life. I happen to be in the latter case and even if I never actually attempted I definitely feel a suicidal person in general: I need to know that I can escape especially now that I fell more exhausted by the day.

 

[Foxcompany2nd3rd]

I want to CTB myself, yet im perfectly health physically and mentally(im not crazy nut job crazy), and not homeless. Its a phenomenon I cannot explain, other than I think even though our bodies and minds work, that our spirits are broken. The spirit wants to be free of the body, but the body is fighting tooth and nail to hold onto it.

 

[Polyxo]

Maybe it's just growing pains?

It doesn't feel like I'm growing into anything

 

[cookiencream]

I have a privileged life, a loving family, but I want to die. I already ordered SN and am planning to get anti emetics to make sure it kills me once my CTB date comes. Despite it all, maybe I'm just having a temper tantrum. Maybe I'm just an ungrateful child and a bad daughter/sister/friend. Maybe I'm just lazy. Maybe I'm just failing because I'm too cowardly. Do I want to die because I'm lazy and just don't want to do the hard thing that's living like everyone else? Maybe I'm not even mentally ill. Doesn't everyone fantasize about suicide at some point in their lives? Could be that I'm just overdramatic. I have never gone to a therapist in my life to be diagnosed with anything. I don't think therapy will fix me. I want to fix myself by dying. It's the answer I've chosen.

Dying is harder than living, people who say living is harder have never actually tried to die. Everything in you wants you to live, you're wired for it, going against it will always be harder. (Btw this isn't an attack on you, I just want you to know you're not weak or cowardly)

 

[Wolf Girl]

Do you have the resources to get a full evaluation by a psychologist or neuropsychologist? I agree that talk therapy doesn't help, but getting a real full psych eval after 20 years was very helpful for me because it was like 30 pages of "here's how your individual brain works."