maneose
if there is a god, he will beg for my forgiveness
- Sep 10, 2023
- 106
for the past few weeks i felt such an inhumane urge to die, like life wasn't just a drag it was physically hurting me each day i went on. but i don't feel that way anymore, at least not right now, maybe today is a good day? i got to pet stray kitties and feed pigeons (one ate from my hand and i felt it's feathers!), i didn't get to eat lunch with my friend but that's okay. i had an advising appointment, which went better than expected, i was able to change my major in about 2 seconds and 3/4 of my classes seem to be online lol. plus! turns out anything d- or above is passing, so for all my classes i can just try and push a little and wont have to retake them!!
i genuinely felt like i was gonna breakdown after my japanese class because i haven't been studying for like 3 weeks so all the material is a blur and majority of our class is conversational work between our classmates, and i feel so bad because my deskmate is basically walking me through the sentence stucture and giving me words. (she literally moved next to me because her previous partners were too behind, so i feel super bad). none of my classmates are mean! it's just really scary because i always fuck it up, and it hurts worse because i plan to minor in it and i really do want to learn it, i just haven't been good the past few years taking it. but i was able to leave my last class early (like a 2-hour-long lecture) because my professor asked if anyone was feeling sick, and if they were they could just take the quiz and leave. i said i was, which i wasn't really lying, but i really did think he hated me but, that small thing made me realize even if he didn't like me he still understood i wasn't feeling my best. (i emailed him like 2 weeks ago about my grade and my situation, and when he handed me the quiz he told me which assignments to do and i was like "wow he actually knows who i am" its like a 100 people lecture and theres no assigned seats, but still i felt seen) the more i think about it i feel like that was just an excuse to let me leave early because i didn't see anyone else do it?
i still feel like really shitty, but now i kinda see a reason to try a little in school (since my major seems to be leaning to me doing a masters after) plus the weight of seeing how late i would graduate finally fell on me. i feel like i can start responding to friends and trying to engage with people. recently talking to my friend she was talking about my grades and said "you know you have to pay the grant money if you fail a class" and i just said "idc!" cause, i dont. but i haven't felt so, equal to her? like our relationship is very.. looking on at it, it feels like lately (or she's always has) seen me as someone lower as her, and that i don't understand basic concepts? which seems to be a trend between all the people i've gotten close with since middle school, but lately it really started to get me emotional because it feels like im more of a convenience then an actual friend, like she likes having me around but doesn't like me? im talking about random things at this point, but i think if im able to 'fix' myself by fall i have a chance at life! maybe, just maybe people around me won't believe im worthless and stupid, maybe i can make something of myself.
i genuinely felt like i was gonna breakdown after my japanese class because i haven't been studying for like 3 weeks so all the material is a blur and majority of our class is conversational work between our classmates, and i feel so bad because my deskmate is basically walking me through the sentence stucture and giving me words. (she literally moved next to me because her previous partners were too behind, so i feel super bad). none of my classmates are mean! it's just really scary because i always fuck it up, and it hurts worse because i plan to minor in it and i really do want to learn it, i just haven't been good the past few years taking it. but i was able to leave my last class early (like a 2-hour-long lecture) because my professor asked if anyone was feeling sick, and if they were they could just take the quiz and leave. i said i was, which i wasn't really lying, but i really did think he hated me but, that small thing made me realize even if he didn't like me he still understood i wasn't feeling my best. (i emailed him like 2 weeks ago about my grade and my situation, and when he handed me the quiz he told me which assignments to do and i was like "wow he actually knows who i am" its like a 100 people lecture and theres no assigned seats, but still i felt seen) the more i think about it i feel like that was just an excuse to let me leave early because i didn't see anyone else do it?
i still feel like really shitty, but now i kinda see a reason to try a little in school (since my major seems to be leaning to me doing a masters after) plus the weight of seeing how late i would graduate finally fell on me. i feel like i can start responding to friends and trying to engage with people. recently talking to my friend she was talking about my grades and said "you know you have to pay the grant money if you fail a class" and i just said "idc!" cause, i dont. but i haven't felt so, equal to her? like our relationship is very.. looking on at it, it feels like lately (or she's always has) seen me as someone lower as her, and that i don't understand basic concepts? which seems to be a trend between all the people i've gotten close with since middle school, but lately it really started to get me emotional because it feels like im more of a convenience then an actual friend, like she likes having me around but doesn't like me? im talking about random things at this point, but i think if im able to 'fix' myself by fall i have a chance at life! maybe, just maybe people around me won't believe im worthless and stupid, maybe i can make something of myself.
