Story Might take SN tonight or tomorrow

[nightnightnitrite]

This thread is for if I end up taking it:,) Backstory- I am bipolar and definitely in a manic depressive episode right now. I have a son whose going to be 1 in a couple of weeks. His father has me pushed to the limits. I found out he has been cheating this whole time we have been together despite controlling what I wear and who I talk to. When I tried to break it off nicely two months ago and recommend we just be friends I was guilt tripped into staying. It has only gotten worse since then. We just had an explosive fight on my birthday yesterday and I hit him. I'm absolutely disgusted with myself. He got in my face when I had my son in my arms and told me to swing and I did. I should have never hit him no matter how angry I got. I tried telling him to leave but he just kept getting closer. I feel like I'm just making excuses for myself when this was inexcusable. I don't recognize myself. I honestly can't deal with this for 18 years and only getting to see my son every other week. It's horrible and he keeps bringing up I should of had a abortion and it's my fault things are the way it is. He also told me "no offense but if you haven't killed yourself by now you probably aren't going to". I don't want to leave my baby behind but I can't deal with him. My son is my only happiness that I have and reason to do good but I can't be around his father anymore. I'm stuck until September in this lease. Anyway, if I take it I will let you know and document it, I taste tested some last night and it's salty but not as bad as I was thinking. Not looking for advice-just a heads up post in case I disappear:,)

 

[Theendxx]

I relate to you a lot, I also have bipolar, and I'm also considering taking SN in the next few days. I'm so sorry about your relationship and getting cheated on. The same thing happened to me and the pain was excruciating. No one deserves that. Just know people are very manipulative and it's not your fault.

 

[nightnightnitrite]

I cut up every single photo I had of me and my ex and deleted every photo out of my phone of him. About to change my phone password to only something my best friend would know so it's protected from him when he gets back. I'm still feeling sad right now, my heart hurts though and I've been feeling it beat all day. I think I'm going to say fuck it and drink the SN because I know I will regret it if I don't and I have time now to do it since my kid is a state away with his father. I just wish I knew what it was about those girls that made him destroy the family he supposedly wanted so badly. Some questions will never have answers. If only his father could leave again and then I'd be content.

 

[PoorFarmer]

@nightnightnitrite Im sorry to hear what you have gone through, but remember only you can make that decision as to if your ready or not. whatever decision you decide to make we will all support you & if you just need someone to talk to i can be that person too

 

[Dot]

I cut up every single photo I had of me and my ex and deleted every photo out of my phone of him. About to change my phone password to only something my best friend would know so it's protected from him when he gets back. I'm still feeling sad right now, my heart hurts though and I've been feeling it beat all day. I think I'm going to say fuck it and drink the SN because I know I will regret it if I don't and I have time now to do it since my kid is a state away with his father. I just wish I knew what it was about those girls that made him destroy the family he supposedly wanted so badly. Some questions will never have answers. If only his father could leave again and then I'd be content.

Wht wld happn if u try 2 leav agn - pssbly wth spprt of womns orgnsatns - if thre = evdnce of abse u cld gt mre custdy

 

[nightnightnitrite]

Wht wld happn if u try 2 leav agn - pssbly wth spprt of womns orgnsatns - if thre = evdnce of abse u cld gt mre custdy

The problem is, the abuse has never been physical only mental and emotional. That sort of stuff is hard to prove. I took a video from yesterday but my phone was out of storage and stopped recording after 20 seconds, and all it caught him yelling was "it's your fault you should of had an abortion". I have support from my bestfriend whose a state away but I have relied on her for so much already. I have no money saved because I was a stay at home mom and I'm scared if I try and go get help from a organization he could use that in court as "she can't provide for her kid let me have him" and get him taken away.

 

[Dot]

The problem is, the abuse has never been physical only mental and emotional. That sort of stuff is hard to prove. I took a video from yesterday but my phone was out of storage and stopped recording after 20 seconds, and all it caught him yelling was "it's your fault you should of had an abortion". I have support from my bestfriend whose a state away but I have relied on her for so much already. I have no money saved because I was a stay at home mom and I'm scared if I try and go get help from a organization he could use that in court as "she can't provide for her kid let me have him" and get him taken away.

Cn undrstnd tht = dffclt

Womns abse orgnsatns mght b abl 2 gve u advce in th mean-tme as thy wll hve exprnce spportng ppl in ur postn - financl issus r cnsidrd 2 b 1 typ of abse s/ thy wll knw hw 2 apprch tht

Slf agree tht c.t.b = evry persns rght & ratnl chce bt frm wht u hve sd = snds lke u wld prefr lfe awy frm ur partnr rathr thn c.t.b

Am jst syng = mght b wrth C-ing wht = avlble 2 u b4 makng a 'finl' decsn

 

[nightnightnitrite]

Cn undrstnd tht = dffclt

Womns abse orgnsatns mght b abl 2 gve u advce in th mean-tme as thy wll hve exprnce spportng ppl in ur postn - financl issus r cnsidrd 2 b 1 typ of abse s/ thy wll knw hw 2 apprch tht

Slf agree tht c.t.b = evry persns rght & ratnl chce bt frm wht u hve sd = snds lke u wld prefr lfe awy frm ur partnr rathr thn c.t.b

Am jst syng = mght b wrth C-ing wht = avlble 2 u b4 makng a 'finl' decsn

I would prefer life without him in it but with the way women fail to get the help they need when they have more proof of actual physical abuse than me is what is having me discouraged from seeking help. I might call around tomorrow but I'm not sure.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds really awful what you are going through and I'm sorry that you have suffered so much. It really is such an unfair life and some people are just so cruel. I hope that you find what you are looking for.

 

[wljourney]

Mental abuse is just as painful as physical abuse.

He cornered you and provoked you. There is no reason you should feel guilty for hitting him.
Though I do understand your point that it's difficult to prove etc etc.

I highly (!!) recommend that you contact a Women's shelter in your community or a similar organization. Don't tell them you have the means for suicide, but tell them that the stress you are being put in makes you even more vulnerable and negatively affects your mental health.

You need local support.
A Social worker.
Anyone who can help you to end the relationship.
Start planning now. It might actually help to prepare for your exit (from the kid's father) and give you hope. Enough hope to carry on for your baby and for yourself.

Best wishes

EDIT:
The financial situation is tricky, but he can't simply use the argument in court and at the same time refuse to pay child support. Kids don't get taken away that easily. A failed suicide attempt however would play much more in his hands than not having financial stability.

Housing can be arranged. Finances can be figured out. But if you prove to be a danger to yourself, custody will be MUCH more difficult.

 

[MayGoNow]

I am sorry for the situation you are in. That's super tough to deal with.
Not to be insensitive, but where did you get the SN?

 

[nightnightnitrite]

It sounds really awful what you are going through and I'm sorry that you have suffered so much. It really is such an unfair life and some people are just so cruel. I hope that you find what you are looking for.

Thank you<3

Mental abuse is just as painful as physical abuse.

He cornered you and provoked you. There is no reason you should feel guilty for hitting him.
Though I do understand your point that it's difficult to prove etc etc.

I highly (!!) recommend that you contact a Women's shelter in your community or a similar organization. Don't tell them you have the means for suicide, but tell them that the stress you are being put in makes you even more vulnerable and negatively affects your mental health.

You need local support.
A Social worker.
Anyone who can help you to end the relationship.
Start planning now. It might actually help to prepare for your exit (from the kid's father) and give you hope. Enough hope to carry on for your baby and for yourself.

Best wishes

EDIT:
The financial situation is tricky, but he can't simply use the argument in court and at the same time refuse to pay child support. Kids don't get taken away that easily. A failed suicide attempt however would play much more in his hands than not having financial stability.

Housing can be arranged. Finances can be figured out. But if you prove to be a danger to yourself, custody will be MUCH more difficult.

I was thinking the same thing because after I apologized he said "his boy does that when he's fighting with his girlfriend because whatever she's saying hurts more than the physical pain she's causing" and I was just so confused as to how that could be better than me asking him why he cheated. l will be contacting one today but if I don't like the answers I get I might not continue searching for help. Thank you for the advice<3

I am sorry for the situation you are in. That's super tough to deal with.
Not to be insensitive, but where did you get the SN?

If you search through the SN mega thread, it has all the answers you need.

This is my thread however from my first go around. It gets off the rails pretty quickly though.
My SN thread

 

[Shu]

I am sorry for the situation you are in. That's super tough to deal with.
Not to be insensitive, but where did you get the SN?

Really?

 

[wljourney]

Thank you<3

I was thinking the same thing because after I apologized he said "his boy does that when he's fighting with his girlfriend because whatever she's saying hurts more than the physical pain she's causing" and I was just so confused as to how that could be better than me asking him why he cheated. l will be contacting one today but if I don't like the answers I get I might not continue searching for help. Thank you for the advice<3

If you search through the SN mega thread, it has all the answers you need.

This is my thread however from my first go around. It gets off the rails pretty quickly though.
My SN thread

I'm sorry I didn't read your "please no advice" until after posting.

I totally get it. At some point we simply run out of steam to ask or even try to get help.

Sending hugs.

 

[nightnightnitrite]

Making three 1 tablespoon cups:) just in case i get the balls to drink it tonight<3 I haven't eaten in almost three days now and I weigh less than 112 pounds because ana(,:

 

[PoorFarmer]

@nightnightnitrite Remember you can only Only CTB once so make sure your ready if thats the decision that you want to make. I had actually just got done putting "my kit" together as of 15 minutes ago to go myself in the next few days. If you need someone to talk too im here yet

 

[nightnightnitrite]

The bottle was shaken, the cup stirred. I'm going to make one more bottle. If I drink it, Ill drink the cup first so I can have lids on the other ones to control mess.

@nightnightnitrite Remember you can only Only CTB once so make sure your ready if thats the decision that you want to make. I had actually just got done putting "my kit" together as of 15 minutes ago to go myself in the next few days. If you need someone to talk too im here yet

Thank you. I'm scared I won't get another chance anytime soon and any time I prolong it, things get worse. I don't think I can deal with being forced to be deal with someone like my ex for the rest of my life. It makes me a bad mom and I feel so guilty for giving him such a horrible father. He has support and can easily get another women in a second aka another mom for my kid so it doesn't really matter.

 

[PoorFarmer]

@nightnightnitrite Are you still with us? I hope you find peace in whichever decision you have made

 

[nightnightnitrite]

Yes unfortunately, I walked to my local 711 and picked up a mickeys and some peanut butter crackers. I am surrounded by my kids things. No matter how much I tell myself he will be better off without me and his father can easily find a replacement for me I feel guilty...
If asking for encouragement wasn't allowed I'd be asking for it right now):

 

[PoorFarmer]

Yes unfortunately, I walked to my local 711 and picked up a mickeys and some peanut butter crackers. I am surrounded by my kids things. No matter how much I tell myself he will be better off without me and his father can easily find a replacement for me I feel guilty...
If asking for encouragement wasn't allowed I'd be asking for it right now):

glad to hear that you are still here with us. Just remember everything will be okay & when you time is correct you will know, until then you will plenty of us here to listen & provide you with whatever support you need

 

[nightnightnitrite]

Not sure why SN didn't work, i drank a lot, puked, drank more. low blood pressure. slow blood draw. I'm hospital waiting room puking. I'll keep updated on their procedures. I'm scared to get admitted but I'm keeping to my "idk why I had SN, I used it in my potatoes" but triage nurse ain't having it and she thinks I'm lying. I am very short of breath and slow moving.

 

[LifeQuitter2018]

Not sure why SN didn't work, i drank a lot, puked, drank more. low blood pressure. slow blood draw. I'm hospital waiting room puking. I'll keep updated on their procedures. I'm scared to get admitted but I'm keeping to my "idk why I had SN, I used it in my potatoes" but triage nurse ain't having it and she thinks I'm lying. I am very short of breath and slow moving.

Is your SN from Russia ? I've heard bad news about that brand from other members before.

 

[Graytaichi]

I am actually envy of you. I wish someone would help me by pushing me over the edge. You must have using this suicidal threats so often that he is sick of it.

 

[nightnightnitrite]

Is your SN from Russia ? I've heard bad news about that brand from other members before.

No i'm from the states so it's from the jungle:)

I am actually envy of you. I wish someone would help me by pushing me over the edge. You must have using this suicidal threats so often that he is sick of it.

He likes to think he isn't the cause but yes it's nice having him as the final bump over.

 

[WanderingWater]

How is it going? Ok?

 

[nightnightnitrite]

Aight, I'm being placed on a legal hold. I am fighting this shit tooth and nail. I'm threatening medical malpractice and writing a grievance because they wrote down shit I didn't say: "I'm sucidial and I used two grams". I didn't specify how many grams and no way in fucking hell would I say that dumb shit. I let them know I'm now recording every convo. I've been in and out of the looney bin since 8 years old, I know what's up and they are not gonna break me lmao. They realized I'm not one to mess with and have backed down. I refused to take off my clothes and give away my items. I feel like such a piece of shit it's making me uncomfortable but I have a true exit from my living situation on Saturday. Im not getting placed on a hold-I'm moving back to Cali and me and my son will have our own rooms-aka no more sleeping on the couch while his father sleeps in the bedroom. I'm not letting them mess this up. Next time- DONT GO TO THE DOCTORS THUG IT OUT. I just didn't think the SN was working and I felt like it was just going to be a lot of pain and shortness of breath. My body definitely hung on to the sodium nitrite with nothing in my body for about a hour and a half before I started puking. I should of known my anorexic body would hold onto any little bit of sustenance I gave it because it barely gets food to begin with- I just didn't expect it to not process all the way through.

How is it going? Ok?

Just updated<3
I puked most of it out and helped the rest go through with some mcdonald's btw. Nothing was given to me. They ran three blood tests-the first one took 10 minutes to draw the others were quick. I got a ekg and blood pressure tests.
I regret coming here and I should have just waited to see what would happen or maybe even take more:(

 

[LifeQuitter2018]

Aight, I'm being placed on a legal hold. I am fighting this shit tooth and nail. I'm threatening medical malpractice and writing a grievance because they wrote down shit I didn't say: "I'm sucidial and I used two grams". I didn't specify how many grams and no way in fucking hell would I say that dumb shit. I let them know I'm now recording every convo. I've been in and out of the looney bin since 8 years old, I know what's up and they are not gonna break me lmao. They realized I'm not one to mess with and have backed down. I refused to take off my clothes and give away my items. I feel like such a piece of shit it's making me uncomfortable but I have a true exit from my living situation on Saturday. Im not getting placed on a hold-I'm moving back to Cali and me and my son will have our own rooms-aka no more sleeping on the couch while his father sleeps in the bedroom. I'm not letting them mess this up. Next time- DONT GO TO THE DOCTORS THUG IT OUT. I just didn't think the SN was working and I felt like it was just going to be a lot of pain and shortness of breath. My body definitely hung on to the sodium nitrite with nothing in my body for about a hour and a half before I started puking. I should of known my anorexic body would hold onto any little bit of sustenance I gave it because it barely gets food to begin with- I just didn't expect it to not process all the way through.

Just updated<3
I puked most of it out and helped the rest go through with some mcdonald's btw. Nothing was given to me. They ran three blood tests-the first one took 10 minutes to draw the others were quick. I got a ekg and blood pressure tests.
I regret coming here and I should have just waited to see what would happen or maybe even take more:(

So what do you think is / are the reason(s) of your failure ? Is it the pureness of SN ? Or is it the early puking ?

SN is a deadly chemical, even 1 - 2 gr could kill you. That's what I heard from others members from time to time.

 

[Sk3le]

How many antiemethics you had before the sn shot?

 

[ihatethecia]

Did they do an arterial blood gas and check your methb levels

 

[CrazyHorse]

Wow sorry to hear about what you had to go through...you sound like a gentle soul like most of us here. Sorry you feel this way. :(