Lonerzepam
O'lord! I Have My Doubts
- Sep 2, 2022
- 619
Omg this is so fucking weird haha. I'm not that active on here anymore cuz I try to recover but I thought I had to share this with you guys...
So yesterday I searched my mom drawers to look for my Ketamine she hid a while ago...I'm clean but it was new years eve and it just got me u know...
Anyways so I searched her drawers not expecting anything to find really, till to my surprise I found a hella amount of benzos. Diazepam, Lorazepam, Clonazepam you name it. This just seemed weird to me cuz she doesn't have any prescription nor does she take any benzos. She must have gotten it from my grandma when she died. (She was a doctor and feen and prescribed alot of benzos and other great stuff to herself). So I never really wondered where my addiction tendencies came from haha.
But anyways I looked closer into the bag of benzos and guess what I found. My heroin she found and "flushed away" a while ago. This was the least thing I excpected to find really. I thought I would find nothing at all. I was searching for my ket in the first place. But my H??? I just thought to myself like wtf bro.
I didn't really questioned why she kept it in the first place cuz I was just happy to get fucked up. I was even happier cuz I wanted H even more badly than Ket and was thinking about it the whole day. So I was the happiest guy alive to say haha. I took it but left the benzos alone though.
It seems like I really got fucked up yesterday cuz I can't remember shit at all haha. Purity like 95% atleast...But I had such a bad hangover today and decided it just wasn't worth it, it fucked up my whole recovery routine.
But I just couldn't stop thinking about why she kept it when she "flushed it" away. Plus all the benzos. And both were in the same bag. But my Ket wasn't there? Why would she hide it somewhere else. It just didn't made any sense to me...than it hit me. It must have been her ctb backup method. Benzos alone even such large amount aren't that lethal. But combined with such a powerfull opiate like heroin successrate is like almost 100%.
Now this really shocked me at first cuz I just wasn't expecting this from my mom, cuz she's a huge prolifer. Plus she found my SN and was shocked & mad at me for that kind of thinking. This makes it even more ironic haha. She gave my SN to my brother so he would take it to his apartment to "keep it safe" from me. It made me mad cuz I didn't had another method. Well now I do haha. Even a better one. I always thought SN would be peacefuller than Heroin & Benzos. But a while ago I read on a thread on here comparing peacefullness that H & Benzos is like 100% peacefull and SN like 70%. Plus it doesn't take that long at all. Which makes it also more peacefull I guess...
So I decided it's not worth continue doing it cuz it fucks me & my recovery up. But I didn't wanted to throw it away cuz as stated it's a peacefull ctb method. And cuz I'm an addict and this makes it even harder lol. So I decided I'd put it back to my mom's drawers where I found it. So she wouldn't notice anything and it wouldn't be that easy for me to access it. I just had the chance yesterday cuz they went out. So in that way we both have a good method I guess. This is just perfect cuz it's a good way for me to actually keep it as a method and not snort it all away like always.
I still keep it in my room cuz I didn't had the chance to put it back yet. So rn it's really hard for me not to touch it. I might do 1 last line before putting it back. I know I shouldn't. But I can't put it back until my parents leave the house again which might already be tomorrow. I just know I'm gonna do it one last time till that. So I'll be very reliefed when I put it back to not have easy access to it and not having to worry about it anymore.
Nonetheless a literally "fucked up" story haha. Just had to share this with someone and I thought this would be the best place to do so. Happy new year btw
So yesterday I searched my mom drawers to look for my Ketamine she hid a while ago...I'm clean but it was new years eve and it just got me u know...
Anyways so I searched her drawers not expecting anything to find really, till to my surprise I found a hella amount of benzos. Diazepam, Lorazepam, Clonazepam you name it. This just seemed weird to me cuz she doesn't have any prescription nor does she take any benzos. She must have gotten it from my grandma when she died. (She was a doctor and feen and prescribed alot of benzos and other great stuff to herself). So I never really wondered where my addiction tendencies came from haha.
But anyways I looked closer into the bag of benzos and guess what I found. My heroin she found and "flushed away" a while ago. This was the least thing I excpected to find really. I thought I would find nothing at all. I was searching for my ket in the first place. But my H??? I just thought to myself like wtf bro.
I didn't really questioned why she kept it in the first place cuz I was just happy to get fucked up. I was even happier cuz I wanted H even more badly than Ket and was thinking about it the whole day. So I was the happiest guy alive to say haha. I took it but left the benzos alone though.
It seems like I really got fucked up yesterday cuz I can't remember shit at all haha. Purity like 95% atleast...But I had such a bad hangover today and decided it just wasn't worth it, it fucked up my whole recovery routine.
But I just couldn't stop thinking about why she kept it when she "flushed it" away. Plus all the benzos. And both were in the same bag. But my Ket wasn't there? Why would she hide it somewhere else. It just didn't made any sense to me...than it hit me. It must have been her ctb backup method. Benzos alone even such large amount aren't that lethal. But combined with such a powerfull opiate like heroin successrate is like almost 100%.
Now this really shocked me at first cuz I just wasn't expecting this from my mom, cuz she's a huge prolifer. Plus she found my SN and was shocked & mad at me for that kind of thinking. This makes it even more ironic haha. She gave my SN to my brother so he would take it to his apartment to "keep it safe" from me. It made me mad cuz I didn't had another method. Well now I do haha. Even a better one. I always thought SN would be peacefuller than Heroin & Benzos. But a while ago I read on a thread on here comparing peacefullness that H & Benzos is like 100% peacefull and SN like 70%. Plus it doesn't take that long at all. Which makes it also more peacefull I guess...
So I decided it's not worth continue doing it cuz it fucks me & my recovery up. But I didn't wanted to throw it away cuz as stated it's a peacefull ctb method. And cuz I'm an addict and this makes it even harder lol. So I decided I'd put it back to my mom's drawers where I found it. So she wouldn't notice anything and it wouldn't be that easy for me to access it. I just had the chance yesterday cuz they went out. So in that way we both have a good method I guess. This is just perfect cuz it's a good way for me to actually keep it as a method and not snort it all away like always.
I still keep it in my room cuz I didn't had the chance to put it back yet. So rn it's really hard for me not to touch it. I might do 1 last line before putting it back. I know I shouldn't. But I can't put it back until my parents leave the house again which might already be tomorrow. I just know I'm gonna do it one last time till that. So I'll be very reliefed when I put it back to not have easy access to it and not having to worry about it anymore.
Nonetheless a literally "fucked up" story haha. Just had to share this with someone and I thought this would be the best place to do so. Happy new year btw
I think everyone as a person is curious about death, drugs, sex. Some just repressed it better than others. I don't think its a big deal. I hope you recover from your hangover fast and enjoy more the company of your mom, knowing that she has her struggles too.
moms going wild 
