Story my body makes me want to die

[3ndmym1sery]

since march of 2023 ive lost 26 kgs, i used to weigh 75 kgs now i weigh 49 kgs, but i look terrible. the way i lost weight is i just stopped eating. id barely eat and it went on like that for about 2 months, it started slow and towards the end i would just eat like once a week, id eat a little piece of bread or something, and then i stopped eating completely and decided i would just starve to death but got sent to the mental hospital for that and i gained like 5 kgs there in 2 weeks, when i got out of there i weighed 57 kgs and i weighed 53 a month before that. i hated it so much but knew there was nothing i could do about it, i was so fucking traumatized and too scared to stop eating again. i couldnt even fucking sleep at night because i was scared id get sent back there. id keep asking my mom "ur not gonna send me back are u?" over and over again all night. so i was too scared to stop eating again, so i just ate normally, i ate whatever they gave me, i started eating cheetos and shit too, but then as i got better and went off the pills and started feeling a bit more like myself again i stopped eating junk and started monitoring my calorie intake again, im still too scared to starve myself, plus i dont want to go back to being so weak that i cant even shower, and i dont want all my hair to start falling out again, so ive been eating normally and i weigh 49 kgs somehow, which i dont understand how i lost so much weight, ive been eating 1200-1300 calories every day and my lifestyle is extremely sedentary because of my situation. but even though i dont weigh too much i still have fat all over me, especially on my stomach, i fucking hate it. i just want to look like the girls in thinspo, my body makes me want to die. its ruined now, i cant even do squats or push ups or anything because i have no muscle, just fat on bones. i wish i wasnt so hideous.

 

[GhostShell]

This may be totally wrong way to approach this from me but here goes: you may lose your ability to eat completely. You may lose your favorite food, only being able to eat plain white rice for the rest of your life.

Please harm yourself in any other way. Burn yourself, cut yourself anything but this. Once you ruin your digestion, there may be no turning back. You may literally starve to death against your will.

Getting below 1000 calories a day is very dangerous. Yet it may be the most you can take and no matter the effort you put in, it will be hopeless. Do not doom yourself, please.

Note: never had an eating disorder, just disordered eating due to nuked digestion, I dont want anyone to suffer as much as I am. Losing weight while eating the most I am able to is the most traumatic experience of my life and trust me when I say that I have been through some shit.