StevieNixs
Specialist
- Jul 22, 2021
- 316
I used to see this counsellor - last time was about two years ago for about twenty sessions for general therapy. Then after my sister died, I was offered six therapy sessions - free - at this women's centre. So, the first day I am there, I tell her (surprisingly for me) that I intend to CTB and the reasons why. She states she understands because my life has been one of constant traumas. I ask her if she intends to tell anyone and she says "No, not if you do not want me to" and I tell her how all mental health facilities seem to do (from my experiences of being in one for about one week when I tried to CTB in 2006) was contain people and medicate them.
I then go onto tell her that a suicide helpline where I live does not discourage you from killing yourself. In fact, if you phone them and say you are intending to CTB that very evening, they say they will stay on the line with you whilst you do so, they will do just that. I did not think she believed me so I phoned this helpline up and posed the question to them "When I kill myself will you stay on the line with me?" - They went onto to say yes they would, which I knew they would say as they have said it many times before . I recorded that part of the call and played it back to the counsellor. She was surprised.
In any event, she knows that I will be CTB. She knows how but now when. I spoke to her about my SN, my Meto, Prop, etc. I told her quite a lot actually and she sat and listened and then said to me - yesterday - on the last session, "Is there anything you would like me to do?" I said "Well yes. I have a cat. My family as you know are dysfunctional and I do not want my cat to be left abandoned in my house with no food. So before I CTB, I will put an urgent letter in the centre's door, asking them to contact the cat protection place to collect my cat asap and my front door key will be underneath my mat - Can you do this?". She said "Of course - all mail addressed as urgent is opened straight away".
I just thought how unusual and kind of lucky I was to be able to speak at length about how I was truly feeling without fear of being carted away. She recognised I had given life a damned good shot - over and over and over again - and all that was happening was life was traumatising me and my life was not improving.
I have seen a lot of counsellors in my time and I am telling you, the moment you even drop a hint about the S word, they are ready to contact your doctor, mental health services etc For some reason I knew she would not say anything and that the recording from the helpine to her also seemed to lead her to agree with me.
I then go onto tell her that a suicide helpline where I live does not discourage you from killing yourself. In fact, if you phone them and say you are intending to CTB that very evening, they say they will stay on the line with you whilst you do so, they will do just that. I did not think she believed me so I phoned this helpline up and posed the question to them "When I kill myself will you stay on the line with me?" - They went onto to say yes they would, which I knew they would say as they have said it many times before . I recorded that part of the call and played it back to the counsellor. She was surprised.
In any event, she knows that I will be CTB. She knows how but now when. I spoke to her about my SN, my Meto, Prop, etc. I told her quite a lot actually and she sat and listened and then said to me - yesterday - on the last session, "Is there anything you would like me to do?" I said "Well yes. I have a cat. My family as you know are dysfunctional and I do not want my cat to be left abandoned in my house with no food. So before I CTB, I will put an urgent letter in the centre's door, asking them to contact the cat protection place to collect my cat asap and my front door key will be underneath my mat - Can you do this?". She said "Of course - all mail addressed as urgent is opened straight away".
I just thought how unusual and kind of lucky I was to be able to speak at length about how I was truly feeling without fear of being carted away. She recognised I had given life a damned good shot - over and over and over again - and all that was happening was life was traumatising me and my life was not improving.
I have seen a lot of counsellors in my time and I am telling you, the moment you even drop a hint about the S word, they are ready to contact your doctor, mental health services etc For some reason I knew she would not say anything and that the recording from the helpine to her also seemed to lead her to agree with me.
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