Venting My final thoughts and feelings~ Diary

[Lovey]

Hi!

I've been on this site for about 2 years and have attempted a couple of times. I tried to recover. I was put on remission for bipolar disorder not long ago. So, the heaviness of depression isn't as strong anymore. Everyone around me seems to be happy that I'm doing better. I take my meds religiously. I try to stay positive, even got closer to God.

But somehow… I still feel tired. I feel like I've just endured so much pain throughout my life, I don't have any hopes for things going well for me in the future. I now know, this isn't just because of a chemical imbalance. I am genuinely exhausted.

After having miscarried a few years back, I realized I wanted to be a mom. It was an unplanned pregnancy, but it was devastating. Now it's all I have cared about. Getting married to a loving man, having kids, big family gatherings, doing the things I love with them, taking care of them. And I know I'm young, but every relationship I've had is worse than the last. I can't take it anymore truly. I am completely unable to trust men and feel comfortable with them, even when they seem to be picture perfect… like the guy I'm dating. Whom I know I have to break up with soon. I've been verbally and psychologically abused by my partners before him in such traumatizing ways. And after going to therapy for 4 years, I can't afford it anymore.

It's not easy for me to stay friends with people when I come back to my ex, who has NPD. So not only he treats me like trash but people who care about me distance themselves from me to not deal with my sadness and distress every time he does something to hurt me… I've tried so many times to stay away from him. I just can't do it forever.

So I'm left isolated and heartbroken.

This is just a small portion of everything that is overwhelming me. But I can't and won't take any more of it. I am planning to ctb again and I won't make the same mistakes I've made. I am so done with this life.

 

[Lovey]

I feel numb almost.

One of my best friends passed away in 2022. She killed herself. She had attempted multiple times before, but she told me why she was gonna do it this time. She was so done with her abusive relationship… she couldn't stop coming back to him and every time she did he would treat her more violently. So she did the one thing that would stop her from coming back. And I miss her, badly. I think about her all the time. She was full of love and affection for those she cared about. And that's why I have such a hard time understanding people who distance themselves from their friends stuck in abusive relationships. Or even blame them for staying. There's no easy way out of a violent cycle, and even when you do get out, they absolutely know how to suck you back in. I could never have blamed her… and I cut ties with every person who tried to downplay his involvement in her death.

Anyways. I feel so lonely. I wish she was here, I know she would never pull away if she saw me struggling with this. She would try to cheer me up, convince me to go out or send a thoughtful message reminding me that she's there for me. She would know I am not happily and willingly giving my ex room to stay in my life. She would know it's far more complicated than that…

 

[Lovey]

Sometimes I wonder why… why is it so easy for other people. To meet someone nice, someone who treats them right, someone they're actually attracted towards. Someone they can agree with on most relevant matters.

People around me have constantly shown me how lucky they are. They get married, they have kids, they move to their dream home or out of the country, they get amazing jobs. And I have tried SO hard to be stable, to function like everyone else, to make sure the people I love know I love them… and still, I feel so empty inside. Like those things are just too good for me. Like they're out of reach. Like I'll be forever battling with my own self for stability. It feels so depressing…

 

[Lovey]

Every day that passes by, I am more certain that this time is going to be different. I will succeed this time. Not only because of my chosen method, but because this time I have officially lost all hope. I feel like there are things that just don't happen for some of us. When people have been studying, working hard or saving money, getting to know someone nice, traveling, whatever, I've been manic, depressed, suffering from anorexia or stuck in emotionally abusive relationships. Sometimes a combination of these. I can barely pay my bills with the job I have. I didn't get my bachelor's. I feel repulsed and afraid of most men. I don't think I have anything going for me. My biggest achievement has literally been recovering from anorexia and being put on bipolar remission. Yes those are accomplishments, but I have not done anything else besides that. Just barely surviving and feeling like shit.

 

[Lovey]

I've been posting a little more than daily but I guess it's okay…

I hate the idea of hurting my family. Who doesn't? Especially my dad. My dad is just the greatest dad in the world. He wasn't always like that, but he has been the last couple of years. He has picked me up piece by piece and helped me put myself together every time something breaks me. But at the same time… I know he's capable of understanding why would I do it. He has been next to my hospital bed when I have attempted in the past. He has seen me having to get stitches for my self harm wounds. He has taken me to the mental hospital in the middle of the night GOD KNOWS how many times in the past 4 years. We've spent so much time together in the ER and at doctors appointments.

I wouldn't want him to think that he could have done more. He did EVERYTHING. He extended my life so much by supporting me and showing up for me. I just hope he knows I'm just really tired… I don't have it in me anymore to keep trying. I just want to rest. No more taking pills everyday, no more struggling with work or feeling like I need to get a college degree, a higher paying job, no more days of feeling unexplainably low or high, even if it isn't as extreme as before. No more getting hurt by emotional abusers.

I don't think life is for me. I really tried, but I'm genuinely so exhausted.