My SN Finally Arrived

[ezekielj]

I don't even know what to feel right now. My SN is here. I opened it, checked inside, and it's real. No scam, no fakes, no random junk. It's exactly what I ordered.

Part of me feels a strange calm, like I've finally wrestled back some control in a life that's been nothing but chaos. I don't have to sit here waiting for fate or for another disappointment to crush me,, because now I hold the option to leave in my own hands. And that option feels like freedom, even if I don't use it yet

But another part of me is completely terrified, because there's no going back from this. I crossed a line. I made this real. Now every night is going to be a negotiation with myself: "Not today. Maybe tomorrow. But at least I can if I want to." Deep down, I know it's going to happen.

It's strange that just having it here makes me feel like I can finally breathe, like the world can't bully me into staying alive against my will. But I can't lie that I'm scared of myself too. Scared of the day when I won't argue back hard enough, and I'll decide that's the moment.

For now, though, I'm not rushing. I don't want anyone to think this is some sudden goodbye letter. It's not. I'm still here. I'm still conflicted. Maybe I'll stay conflicted forever until the final day.

It feels wrong to even type this out, but it also feels wrong to keep it to myself. So here I am. It's here. I don't know if I'm relieved, horrified, or both. Probably both. And I hope you don't mind that I post as if I'm writing in a diary. I just haven't felt safe enough to talk about this topic, not even with my closest friend or family member.

Thank you for reading.

 

[R. A.]

It is an experience to receive it, and i'm glad it is a weight lifted.
from my own i will say it wasn't night and day - it still creeped me out that i had it for a while, then the reckoning with the fact that you need to "start" things a few hours early...it's not like you just press a button and poof. there is still a very real internal conflict (obviously, given i'm here).

 

[kitkat9234]

I'm feeling like this and my SN hasn't even gotten here yet. I'm hoping I get it soon and that it is legit.

Feeling relief that I will hopefully have my out but worried I will fail again. But also scared if it actually works. Mixed emotions.

 

[Syriancel]

Please dm the source

 

[Alexandra_]

I'm happy for you. I also have SN and thanks to it, my soul is much lighter

 

[upsidedowngoldfish]

Did you my chance order on a DNM?

 

[Spectre]

I know it's going to happen.

It never "has to happen," you can always just keep it and like wait. Also be sure to test for purity and to make sure it is sodium nitrite. Also know the process isn't completely peaceful but it is definitely one that works.

 

[ezekielj]

Did you my chance order on a DNM?

No, I didn't need to handle any of that myself since it's legal to purchase where I live. Normally, you'd need a permit and special packaging to get it, but I got lucky. The logistics team told me I didn't need to worry about the permit, even though I technically should have gotten one. They went ahead and secured it for me instead, so all I had to do was pay them and they delivered as promised.

Please dm the source

Hey Syriancel,
I honestly wish I could help, but in my heart it wouldn't feel right to make it easier for someone else to go down the same path I've taken. This is something you really have to figure out for yourself. What I can say is that with enough effort and creative thinking, you will find it. It took me nearly two weeks of nonstop research, and part of that was accepting the risk of being scammed if I slipped up.

You'll get there. It just takes persistence and patience.