Story My struggle with recovery PART I

[WornOutLife]

Well, this should be in the recovery section but my words are really related to suicide so I decided to post my thread here.

As some of you might now, some weeks ago, I decided not to kill myself. My plan was to ctb last January, 21st but I didn't!

Why am I still alive? Why did I decide to give life one more shot in spite of being so suicidal and having done a proper research about the two methods I'm really interested in: partial hanging and SN?

Well, the short answer would be: "because I don't have the guts to die. "

Yes, that's pretty much it. I'm a coward. I'm scared of pain and failure and also FED UP WITH THINKING OF CTB 24/7. I mean, what's the point of it if I have so many doubts and won't probably do it?

I realized that thinking of ctb so much is one of the reasons why I can't enjoy life so, these days, I've been doing my best to turn off my brain and negative thoughts and start to be more productive.

I've started to work out, drink less alcohol (can't abstemious from one day to the another one lol), study japanese, have some dates, give more English and Spanish lessons (yeah, I'm a teacher), etc.

Well, I gotta tell you guys, the first days since my decision have been awesome. I felt motivated and I really thought that there was no way for me to think of suicide again, but guess what? My mind couldn't be as turned off as I wanted it to and I started to think about disappearing from this world forever again. I mean, "study, work, get married, have some children, get old and die" sounds so boring and pointless to me!

Still, I don't wanna hurt those I love (again, after my failed attempt) so I'm constantly struggling with this UPS AND DOWNS, probably due to my bipolar disorder. You know, one day I live like a boss and the other one I wanna die and feel the worst human being on Earth.

So basically that is it. This is my constant fight against suicide. If you try to do recovery, let me tell you that MAGIC DOES NOT EXIST. You will probably always be suicidal but the thing is, can you live anyway? Can you make an effort to put those negative thoughts away and live on anyway? Well, I'm trying to! It's really hard but if I can't ctb, what's the other choice? I don't wanna be homeless and suffer more.

To sum up, these 2 weeks have been really good but the recent days were kinda hell because I was really down! However, yesterday and today I've been feeling great so I'm still gonna fight. I won't ctb for now.


I hope not to have bored you with my story but I think it could help someone who's also struggling with life and death so, I will post a part II in some days or weeks.


Thank you very much for being such an awesome community. You're one of the reasons why I'm still alive so I totally disagree with people like fixthe26,


Hugs and love,


Matt

 

[blue_muse]

Thinking of suicide and actually committing, no pun intended, are 2 different things altogether so you're anything but cowardly WornOutLife. It sounds like you're keeping an open mind and I really commend you for sharing your story. If you want to live; see how much you can cope with what life throws at you and feel free to bitch about any hangups along the way. If you want to die then you have people who will support you. Either way you're covered .

 

[aneurysm]

I've started to work out, drink less alcohol (can't abstemious from one day to the another one lol), study japanese, have some dates, give more English and Spanish lessons (yeah, I'm a teacher), etc.

I am really happy that you made so much progress. Improvement is never linear so it's totally normal that you are experiencing suicidal thoughts from times to times.

I too have been doing okay these past few days (I lowered my standards not gonna lie), but overall I have been doing fine. By fine I mean that I haven't been terrible.

but sometimes, I worry about the upcoming lows (as I have learned that there are no ups without downs in my life), and it really depresses me. I am in the phase of my life where I am trying to give up on my illusions about life and trying to accept the reality of suffering. I find it really helpful.

anyway, I just hope that you keep getting better and better <3

 

[confused-gemini]

I'm the same way so I totally understand how you feel, I think this is the reason I like this site so much you guys just get it. A huge part of me wants to die because like you said "study, work, get married, get old and die" does sound so god damn boring! Like wtf! There has to be more to life than that! Another part of me wants to live just to see if any of this will ever change. But just like you I'm bipolar so all this could be just the ups and downs, when I'm hypomanic I want to live when I'm depressed I desperately want to die.
Honestly though I'm so proud of you for trying your hardest to recover, I know it's not easy. I'm glad you're thinking about it all instead of acting impulsively. You seem like such a lovely person from your posts on this site and how you're constantly giving hope to others, the world really does need more people like you.

 

[WornOutLife]

@blue_muse

Thank you so much for your words. I'm trying to do my best here but it's really hard!

@Daisy

Hi, dear! As you said, the upcoming lows are the worst! There's no choice but trying to face them. Otherwise, the only way out ends up being ctb.
Hugs and love to you

@confused-gemini

I'm glad you understand the way I feel.
Thank you so much for your words, they really help me! I'll try to do my best and keep on living and if I don't, well, at least I've tried to.

Hugs and love,

Matt

 

[mini_weeny]

It's the little things and finding your passions

 

[WornOutLife]

It's the little things and finding your passions

Ty 4 your comment.

I think finding your passions is THE KEY.

 

[mini_weeny]

Ty 4 your comment.

I think finding your passions is THE KEY.

I read somewhere that life is about projects, choose a project work hard to get it and when u do choose another one, I was happy doing that with my gardening projects and also studying languages but then I got sick and now my only projects in life are bathing and eating, so... projects that are not too hard but not too easy will at least keep you distracted or interested in life for a while.

 

[rs929]

I would try a mindful approach with thoughts such as "study, work, get married, what's the point of living". Just putting distance between you and the thoughts, and then saying to yourself "this is not me but my illness talking"

 

[Ani198]

I feel/felt the same. I was supposed to die on the 31st, but about 2 weeks ago I decided to give it one last shot. I reached out to hang out with friends, started putting effort back into school, and I was able to put off the thoughts of suicide for a while.

Another user described the way I think about suicide very well, like a drumbeat always in the background. I was able to stop that for a while, but it came back and it's stronger than ever. Less like a drum and more like a battering ram. I had a second chance, and it disappointed me, so why try again to keep getting let down. At least that's how I think.

The way that you're willing to keep pushing through and looking for more chances is inspiring to me. You're anything but cowardly. When you train your brain to think things like "It doesn't matter, ill be dead soon anyway," or "nobody would care if I died," it's incredibly hard to just snap out of it. Being able to think you can face whatever's coming is one of the bravest things I can think of.

I wish you luck, op.