I'm really, really heartbroken after my partner of 8 years broke up with me. I told him I was suicidal, and he decided that it was too much for him to handle my "depressive episodes." I haven't been suicidal in nearly a decade, but he is newly in his own recovery. I stuck with him at his absolute worst, but apparently he does not have the capacity to love me when I want to die. My suicidality now comes after an accident which instantly killed 4 of my coworkers and a lot of other people. I feel so incredibly hurt that my anxious thoughts of not being loved by him were true. I told him that I was only staying alive because I didn't want to hurt him, my friends, or my family. I also told him that he was not responsible for me and that I would get help (which I did). He still gave up on me.
I feel betrayed and like an idiot. I stuck with him during his eating disorder that was severely affecting his health. I stuck with him through unemployment. I stuck with him when his dad died. I stuck with him when he punched a wall after we had an argument. I stuck with him when he stealthed me (non consensual condom removal). I was and am incredibly loyal and never gave up on him. When my life was in the balance, he gave up on me.
How the fuck do I go forward? I've almost jumped multiple times. I've gone inpatient and am in outpatient now. After weeks, I'm finally starting to do a little better in not wanting to actively die all day every day, even though the desire is still highly present.
What do I do about still wanting him? How do I get over this kind of betrayal? How do I grieve yet another loss when I'm still stuck on the losses that made me suicidal in the first place? How do I get closure?
My whole body craves him. I know it's fucked up. I'm so worried that he's moving on. I'm worried that casting me aside was the "right thing" for his life even if it fucked up mine and got me to the point of crossing from self harming behavior to being an active suicide risk.
I feel betrayed and like an idiot. I stuck with him during his eating disorder that was severely affecting his health. I stuck with him through unemployment. I stuck with him when his dad died. I stuck with him when he punched a wall after we had an argument. I stuck with him when he stealthed me (non consensual condom removal). I was and am incredibly loyal and never gave up on him. When my life was in the balance, he gave up on me.
How the fuck do I go forward? I've almost jumped multiple times. I've gone inpatient and am in outpatient now. After weeks, I'm finally starting to do a little better in not wanting to actively die all day every day, even though the desire is still highly present.
What do I do about still wanting him? How do I get over this kind of betrayal? How do I grieve yet another loss when I'm still stuck on the losses that made me suicidal in the first place? How do I get closure?
My whole body craves him. I know it's fucked up. I'm so worried that he's moving on. I'm worried that casting me aside was the "right thing" for his life even if it fucked up mine and got me to the point of crossing from self harming behavior to being an active suicide risk.
