These past few weeks I'm shaking, inside. Sleep is the only escape, it helps forget why I feel like this. I shake because that's how my fast heart beating feels like to me.
It only ceased to tremble when I made a decision to attempt ctb, again. Last time "the attempt" simply reached a phase of me buying all the things SN related. I cooled off the moment I posessed every item, knowledge of being able to ctb at any moment helped me to postpone the inevitable. Added sand to the overturned sand clock.
This is a vent and the way I'm building up these paragraphs, I see its a story as well. It will be like dark souls though, not all lore will be explained, some unsaid things/gaps are for the reader to fill.
When the shit hit the fan, I took up arms the first day. It was late in the evening, street fighting was implied I think. Capital retake within next hours maybe? In your dreams, fuckers. So my brain made a decision to, if die, then for a reason and good one at that. Death on the battlefield was appealing to me.
I wasnt going to simply allow the enemy to kill me though. I was and am a cornered animal that intends to kill as many fuckers as possible, but it's been months and I survive still. Many platoons have suffered extreme casualties, without even seeing the enemy, yet I live. And it's getting to me... The wait. Things are looking up now, I see now that the storm can pass me by. Fuck that.
And why must I be the responsible one. With the one best choice - of access to firearm and AP rounds at that, the ones that would leave no chance of surviving a gunshot wound. But that would only make it worse for the others around me, post my mortem. I feel bad for not being selfish, I just can't overstep that line. Suffering from success of being a good guy. Fuck my life.
Not saying the whole truth is considered a lie in my book. Speaking with 1/5 remaining survivors of some battalions you find out that only a couple of people are officially confirmed as dead as per HQ and the rest have "disappeared without a trace". All not to sow panic amongst the public. Assholes. I'd gladly trade places with some fallen heroes. Or defended side by side, who knows maybe my training wold have helped in some way and more would have survived.
This face I got right here, I really should attempt it at poker. You don't see your fellow mate suffering and you don't suspect a thing. I'm looking at sn kit method now, and antiemetic test days didn't make me feel like I'm about to throw up.
Met up this girl serving with me. In between the assignments you get to rest and you get official leave,and you get to see the rest of the country move on and live as if nothing is happening elsewhere. So I've built up the courage to ask her out on a date. This was a defense mechanism kicking in on my side, last attempt at something good that may stop me.
She said yes!!! I was overjoyed, anxious but happy. I'm a shy guy and this waiting at the bus stop made me so extremely confident.
She said yes. I wouldn't have built up the courage if I was my normal self. But what is my normal self? this is - the now, the kys voice in my head. Of course I meant the societal definition of normal applied here.
Yet she isn't sure when she can get her leave, so my death ball might be rolling again as the wait of something good to happen... I don't feel like I can wait. The void hole inside is screwing with me.
So... Setting up dead man's drops and passing starlink access to UAV dept. I'm still leaving quiet enough of a debt even though I get paid well and the good guy is sad that family will suffer through this commotion with the bank.
Wish I could be there among the orchestram crowd. Can't witness the beauty here, in the shit, bordering assholes. And that's why we can't have the nice things... Oof.
I don't know what else to say yet. Don't think it's the post to delete my acc here yet, might just comment here later prior to my attempt.
Notary said that a will with conditions isn't something they want to work with as conditions aren't followed here for the most part and who wants to deal with court in that case? Thanks, world. Take this last thing away from me too.
So I'll leave my demands here, just in case.
Please cremate me, please no religious crap, only TST can provide any kind of spiritual and legal services for me. I praise tenets III and IV.
Can't leave without the rhetorics, why does it hurt so bad without any physical injury?
It only ceased to tremble when I made a decision to attempt ctb, again. Last time "the attempt" simply reached a phase of me buying all the things SN related. I cooled off the moment I posessed every item, knowledge of being able to ctb at any moment helped me to postpone the inevitable. Added sand to the overturned sand clock.
This is a vent and the way I'm building up these paragraphs, I see its a story as well. It will be like dark souls though, not all lore will be explained, some unsaid things/gaps are for the reader to fill.
When the shit hit the fan, I took up arms the first day. It was late in the evening, street fighting was implied I think. Capital retake within next hours maybe? In your dreams, fuckers. So my brain made a decision to, if die, then for a reason and good one at that. Death on the battlefield was appealing to me.
I wasnt going to simply allow the enemy to kill me though. I was and am a cornered animal that intends to kill as many fuckers as possible, but it's been months and I survive still. Many platoons have suffered extreme casualties, without even seeing the enemy, yet I live. And it's getting to me... The wait. Things are looking up now, I see now that the storm can pass me by. Fuck that.
And why must I be the responsible one. With the one best choice - of access to firearm and AP rounds at that, the ones that would leave no chance of surviving a gunshot wound. But that would only make it worse for the others around me, post my mortem. I feel bad for not being selfish, I just can't overstep that line. Suffering from success of being a good guy. Fuck my life.
Not saying the whole truth is considered a lie in my book. Speaking with 1/5 remaining survivors of some battalions you find out that only a couple of people are officially confirmed as dead as per HQ and the rest have "disappeared without a trace". All not to sow panic amongst the public. Assholes. I'd gladly trade places with some fallen heroes. Or defended side by side, who knows maybe my training wold have helped in some way and more would have survived.
This face I got right here, I really should attempt it at poker. You don't see your fellow mate suffering and you don't suspect a thing. I'm looking at sn kit method now, and antiemetic test days didn't make me feel like I'm about to throw up.
Met up this girl serving with me. In between the assignments you get to rest and you get official leave,and you get to see the rest of the country move on and live as if nothing is happening elsewhere. So I've built up the courage to ask her out on a date. This was a defense mechanism kicking in on my side, last attempt at something good that may stop me.
She said yes!!! I was overjoyed, anxious but happy. I'm a shy guy and this waiting at the bus stop made me so extremely confident.
She said yes. I wouldn't have built up the courage if I was my normal self. But what is my normal self? this is - the now, the kys voice in my head. Of course I meant the societal definition of normal applied here.
Yet she isn't sure when she can get her leave, so my death ball might be rolling again as the wait of something good to happen... I don't feel like I can wait. The void hole inside is screwing with me.
So... Setting up dead man's drops and passing starlink access to UAV dept. I'm still leaving quiet enough of a debt even though I get paid well and the good guy is sad that family will suffer through this commotion with the bank.
Wish I could be there among the orchestram crowd. Can't witness the beauty here, in the shit, bordering assholes. And that's why we can't have the nice things... Oof.
I don't know what else to say yet. Don't think it's the post to delete my acc here yet, might just comment here later prior to my attempt.
Notary said that a will with conditions isn't something they want to work with as conditions aren't followed here for the most part and who wants to deal with court in that case? Thanks, world. Take this last thing away from me too.
So I'll leave my demands here, just in case.
Please cremate me, please no religious crap, only TST can provide any kind of spiritual and legal services for me. I praise tenets III and IV.
Can't leave without the rhetorics, why does it hurt so bad without any physical injury?
