annxietty
“Is there no way out of the mind?”
- Mar 27, 2023
- 157
I blame myself for everything wrong in my life, for my agoraphobia, my anxiety disorder, my depression, not having ANY friends, and overall my uneventful and unsuccesful life... Im turning 25 this year, and im a ridiculous peace of shit, I always blamed myself for it, I used to cut myself, beat (literally) myself until I cried from physical pain not mental one, I yelled at myself, and Ive said to myself the most horrible things I would never dare to say to anyone... But yesterday and today I talked with my mom about a current problem that is going on... and no fucking wonder Im a mess... My brain is starting to erase everything (it must happen to other people, when something really bad happens to me even tho the feeling is there I cant remember exactly what happened... maybe Im not explaining myself correctly sorry).
Long story short, last Monday we went to the airport to say goodbye to my mother that had come to visit us (it had been years since we saw her)(i live with my sister, her husband and her kids in a different country from my parents), the ride is 40 mins long and that week was absolute hell for me, Im currently with no meds so my anxiety is "on" 24/7, that last ride was the last thing I had to do... sadly its where I fucked up, I had two panic attacks and took like 4 valiums, my sister and her husband were furious, in the middle of my second panic attack I said sorry (i started saying sorry since the beginning btw) and my sister said "im sick of your sorry, all you do is say sorry, enough!" my mom started to defend me, we stopped at a gas station and I exited the car, I couldnt feel my legs or my arms so I took longer than I should, they were arguing while I was off... we dropped my mom at the airport and my sister's husband didnt come say goodbye to her... the ride home was also in complete silence and I took two more valiums, I fell unconscious...
This week I did the bare minimum, I went to work of course, did my chores, ignored some others because I couldnt see their faces, I just couldnt, I talk the bare minimum to them too... It was hell for me, I had to contact my therapist in the car cuz I legit felt I was dying, I feel I cant trust no one, when we arrived home they called my dad to complain about me! Now my sister implied to my mom she is going to call my dad because they cant put up with my shit... My mom started insulting my therapist, now they mad at me cuz I dont do enough at the house? so the argument has changed completely, it doesnt matter what they put me through, the problem is me, ME, I ...my parents have told me I have no right to be angry cuz I have nothing, I tried to talk about my mental state to my mom and all she says is im dramatic, and that she is 100 times worse... Im going to self harm after months of no self harm, tomorrow my sister will talk to me... hopefully im dead before this year ends...
Long story short, last Monday we went to the airport to say goodbye to my mother that had come to visit us (it had been years since we saw her)(i live with my sister, her husband and her kids in a different country from my parents), the ride is 40 mins long and that week was absolute hell for me, Im currently with no meds so my anxiety is "on" 24/7, that last ride was the last thing I had to do... sadly its where I fucked up, I had two panic attacks and took like 4 valiums, my sister and her husband were furious, in the middle of my second panic attack I said sorry (i started saying sorry since the beginning btw) and my sister said "im sick of your sorry, all you do is say sorry, enough!" my mom started to defend me, we stopped at a gas station and I exited the car, I couldnt feel my legs or my arms so I took longer than I should, they were arguing while I was off... we dropped my mom at the airport and my sister's husband didnt come say goodbye to her... the ride home was also in complete silence and I took two more valiums, I fell unconscious...
This week I did the bare minimum, I went to work of course, did my chores, ignored some others because I couldnt see their faces, I just couldnt, I talk the bare minimum to them too... It was hell for me, I had to contact my therapist in the car cuz I legit felt I was dying, I feel I cant trust no one, when we arrived home they called my dad to complain about me! Now my sister implied to my mom she is going to call my dad because they cant put up with my shit... My mom started insulting my therapist, now they mad at me cuz I dont do enough at the house? so the argument has changed completely, it doesnt matter what they put me through, the problem is me, ME, I ...my parents have told me I have no right to be angry cuz I have nothing, I tried to talk about my mental state to my mom and all she says is im dramatic, and that she is 100 times worse... Im going to self harm after months of no self harm, tomorrow my sister will talk to me... hopefully im dead before this year ends...
