Venting nothing make me as suicidal as an OCD spiral

[Chuunibyou]

I'm currently spiraling over the fear that I'm secretly a fascist, my friends are going to find out, and that I'll be shunned, punished, and suffer greatly when they do. this fear isn't founded of course. I'm far left politically and engage in enough praxis that my friends have no reason to doubt my pro-community beliefs. but I got triggered badly this morning, so here I am.

knowing this is irrational does nothing to sooth me. it takes all my strength to fight back against my compulsions, I have to repress my physical fear reactions in front of others, and I have to continue my day as if I'm fine. but I'm not fine. and I want to die because I'm so scared and ashamed of how "problematic" I think I am, and how badly I feel I'm going to inevitably hurt people.

OCD is such an evil disorder to have. the way this fear feels, and how it feels to get stuck on the thought, is indescribable. even in this post I feel I can barely find the words for what I'm going through. I'd much rather have a PTSD flashback triggered any day over this. I know how to navigate and cope with most things. but I have no idea how to get unstuck from OCD spirals. I have no choice but to ride it out, and not once has riding it out ever gotten easier. I already gave in and sliced my legs to bits over this, trying to preemptively "punish" myself. I wish I could do more. and all over something that the logical side of my brain knows isn't even real or worth the emotional turmoil.

 

[waitingfor]

I assume you live a country where this kind of polarization Is rooted deep in the Mass/popular culture and One can not avoid to "be" a thing OR the other. I do live in a country like this and I truly understand your concern.

 

[Parasitism]

I used to have OCD around many themes. Of all the themes, the ones that would result in judgment (particularly a brief stint with the 'P' word one) were the worst. For me, it felt like I was alone and spiralling and all I wanted was help. The cruelest part of it was that I felt I was unable to ask for help because the nature of the OCD theme would inevitably bring judgment. I feel for you. I don't judge you because you have no reason to be judged. You are right in that you don't deserve punishment. You deserve compassion and help because that isn't you. It's OCD and in OCD the themes are irrelevant. OCD is OCD.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

Politics and all the words around it are complete bullshit to distract and control us. All the "left", "right", "you're a n*zi if you don't agree" is nonsense. Free yourself of it and just be a person, which is what we all really are. Have I said how much a I hate politics? It's a manipulative mind control trap. Follow the money, see who it benefits, see the results over the years.

 

[furribcage]

ocd makes me wish I was never real I cant believe this is the way we have to live its taken our lives away