Story Nothing's changed

[_Kaira_]

I've been in and out of SS for a long while. I became more of a lurker these past few months, while I tried my best to 'recover' and do better with my life. I like to think I did pretty good. I rarely visited this site, and if I did it was to keep up with drama, or availability with my chosen method in where I live, etc. I actually managed to land my first job a month ago, despite my constant thinking I would never be hired. The problem is, I don't feel any better even now since getting that job. I feel more miserable, actually.

With that said, I am still as depressed and suicidal as before. At the start of this year, I told myself that my suicide date would be somewhere in February, but I kept going, as I still do even now. Just trying, a struggle every day trying to see if there was something I could do to make myself happier and make my life worth living. My birthday was just a couple weeks ago, and I am now 24. I wasn't wanting to see another birthday. I wanted to die way before that, and well, I still do. I wasted so much time, just trying to see how and when I could make things better. Now my chosen method is slowly becoming more restricted where I live.

The people closest to me, are aware how seriously suicidal I am. I have no real support. So I am done pleading and begging for help to live. I know they care. But they don't care enough to ACTUALLY help me in the ways I need, and I don't expect them to because I know it would be close to impossible. I am failing even while doing my best to help myself. So for their sake, and for the last bit of sanity I have, I have turned to silence about my suicidal ideation and depression. I screamed, I fought and battled for the past 2 years with these people over my issues. There's no point in screaming into the void any longer. I'm just tired of running on fumes to even act like I'm somewhat ok.

I also lost access to my therapy, not that therapy has ever really helped me before. But I've been having identity verification issues for a couple months now, and it caused me to lose my insurance. So, well, now I don't even have health insurance. I don't know how to fix it, even after calling for help. I gave up on that too, I just don't have the energy to care about it any more. (No it's not identity theft, I have checked.)


I tried to get better. I really did. I took a break from SS while trying to recover, and I still believe even now that suicide is MY only option and way out of this torment.


I tried to fly, but I crashed and I'm burning right now. Planning for a CTB date...sometime later this month or next month. Longing for the agony to be finally over.

 

[littleloup]

I'm sorry to hear that you're in a difficult situation. Like you, I'm not prepared nor do I want to see another birthday. I can relate to you so please know that you aren't alone.

 

[Werewolf.]

I suppose that just cements that there's some problems you cannot solve, hence why those feelings just stick with you. Very relatable. Also, that dog is insanely cute. Wish I could pet it.

 

[_Kaira_]

I'm sorry to hear that you're in a difficult situation. Like you, I'm not prepared nor do I want to see another birthday. I can relate to you so please know that you aren't alone.

I've always said, "It's always something new." And there indeed is. For instance, before I got my job, I was always being threatened to get kicked out of the house. I have a job now, but now I don't do enough work around the house and now I'm being threatened to get kicked out for that now. I just don't have the energy to do EVERYTHING that "everyone" else does. I just wanna sleep, lol.

Any effort I put into self-improving is overlooked, and I feel my efforts are all for naught.

And they wonder why people come to sites like SS. Well, here's a prime example why.
The feeling of being actually understood is at least somewhat comforting.

I suppose that just cements that there's some problems you cannot solve, hence why those feelings just stick with you. Very relatable. Also, that dog is insanely cute. Wish I could pet it.

I was always told that I never do anything to make my life better. That I never try to achieve nor actually try to be positive. Well, if I never did in the past, I think I could safely say I did now. And you know what? I still feel like I can't catch a break. Still feeling like I'm on a wild goose chase trying to squeeze out a few drops of dopamine and serotonin, daily. Still outta energy 24/7. And the thoughts of death are still clawing at the back of my mind even on 'good' days.

Same, I love beagles :).

 

[LastFlowers]

I'm sorry to hear that you're in a difficult situation. Like you, I'm not prepared nor do I want to see another birthday. I can relate to you so please know that you aren't alone.

Birthdays really set me off, whenever another one approaches, it's like the arm of the clock is hitting the number so hard that it makes my ears ring.
I want to get ahead of it each and every time, just ctb and get it over with.
I can't bear another year to go by like this, things just accumulate and the burden never weighs any lighter, just nestles deeper into my flesh until I'm sinking.

 

[Werewolf.]

I've always said, "It's always something new." And there indeed is. For instance, before I got my job, I was always being threatened to get kicked out of the house. I have a job now, but now I don't do enough work around the house and now I'm being threatened to get kicked out for that now. I just don't have the energy to do EVERYTHING that "everyone" else does. I just wanna sleep, lol.

Any effort I put into self-improving is overlooked, and I feel my efforts are all for naught.

And they wonder why people come to sites like SS. Well, here's a prime example why.
The feeling of being actually understood is at least somewhat comforting.



I was always told that I never do anything to make my life better. That I never try to achieve nor actually try to be positive. Well, if I never did in the past, I think I could safely say I did now. And you know what? I still feel like I can't catch a break. Still feeling like I'm on a wild goose chase trying to squeeze out a few drops of dopamine and serotonin, daily. Still outta energy 24/7. And the thoughts of death are still clawing at the back of my mind even on 'good' days.

Same, I love beagles :).

Sorry to hear that. I was hoping there could have been something that could change your life for the better, but it seems like despite doing things you were told you weren't doing didn't really work out for you. If you ever want to talk, however, my PMs are always open. BTW, do you have a dog of your own? I always wanted one. But I don't think it would work out with my OCD.

 

[WornOutLife]

In spite of the fact you're not feeling very well now, I'm proud of you because you tried to recover and that's amazing!

Recovery is a daily battle. I'm doing my best to have a normal life but no matter how much money, girls or friends I get, I'll always be suicidal because it's just part of me.

I've decided that I'll live for some more years but I'll definitely ctb before my 40s.

Whatever happens, wish you lots of love and peace!

Hugs,

Matt

 

[FuneralCry]

Life really can be exhausting. It must be really hard trying to recover and not feel any better. It can make us feel hopeless. Sometimes there is just nothing we can do. I wish you well, I know how you feel.

 

[Cronetappingout]

I've been in and out of SS for a long while. I became more of a lurker these past few months, while I tried my best to 'recover' and do better with my life. I like to think I did pretty good. I rarely visited this site, and if I did it was to keep up with drama, or availability with my chosen method in where I live, etc. I actually managed to land my first job a month ago, despite my constant thinking I would never be hired. The problem is, I don't feel any better even now since getting that job. I feel more miserable, actually.

With that said, I am still as depressed and suicidal as before. At the start of this year, I told myself that my suicide date would be somewhere in February, but I kept going, as I still do even now. Just trying, a struggle every day trying to see if there was something I could do to make myself happier and make my life worth living. My birthday was just a couple weeks ago, and I am now 24. I wasn't wanting to see another birthday. I wanted to die way before that, and well, I still do. I wasted so much time, just trying to see how and when I could make things better. Now my chosen method is slowly becoming more restricted where I live.

The people closest to me, are aware how seriously suicidal I am. I have no real support. So I am done pleading and begging for help to live. I know they care. But they don't care enough to ACTUALLY help me in the ways I need, and I don't expect them to because I know it would be close to impossible. I am failing even while doing my best to help myself. So for their sake, and for the last bit of sanity I have, I have turned to silence about my suicidal ideation and depression. I screamed, I fought and battled for the past 2 years with these people over my issues. There's no point in screaming into the void any longer. I'm just tired of running on fumes to even act like I'm somewhat ok.

I also lost access to my therapy, not that therapy has ever really helped me before. But I've been having identity verification issues for a couple months now, and it caused me to lose my insurance. So, well, now I don't even have health insurance. I don't know how to fix it, even after calling for help. I gave up on that too, I just don't have the energy to care about it any more. (No it's not identity theft, I have checked.)


I tried to get better. I really did. I took a break from SS while trying to recover, and I still believe even now that suicide is MY only option and way out of this torment.


I tried to fly, but I crashed and I'm burning right now. Planning for a CTB date...sometime later this month or next month. Longing for the agony to be finally over.

I am curious what you feel you need for help exactly? What would help you to feel better?
What does support from the people around you look like?

 

[_Kaira_]

Sorry to hear that. I was hoping there could have been something that could change your life for the better, but it seems like despite doing things you were told you weren't doing didn't really work out for you. If you ever want to talk, however, my PMs are always open. BTW, do you have a dog of your own? I always wanted one. But I don't think it would work out with my OCD.

Same, I wish that for everyone else as well. Is what it is I guess.
I appreciate it. I used to have a beagle-mix but I had to give her up when I moved.

I am curious what you feel you need for help exactly? What would help you to feel better?
What does support from the people around you look like?

Nowadays I find even simple questions like that hard to answer. I really just don't know at this point. I have a general distaste for life. It's exactly why I don't expect people to do anything extra, because I personally don't think I will be satisfied with anything life has to offer.

I suppose I wish my mental illnesses were gone and some other things fixed, but I know that is close to impossible.

Well I have 0 family I keep in touch with. All I have is my ex and his family... they wish the best for me but I'm kind of on my own with my issues, but I'm still expected to keep pushing on like I don't want to catch the bus on a daily basis. It's hard enough already without a time limit.


Also getting tired of getting high just to deal with the pain of living lol.