On courage and cowardice...

[whyyyyyyyy]

Interesting... I think maybe the key to getting the courage to ctb might be to just fully accept that you're fully onboard with the move, even if it's relying on conjecture. And embrace that you might just have to face your sins, and it might not be fun at all for a long time, but you're intention is to genuinely set things right, reach some sort of stable ground where things can actually improve.

Phillip K. Dick was truly a modern oracle.

This dude was in a similar headspace as us. He was reflecting on suicide, the value of living, the nature of reality, all this stuff. Not just as some intellectual/creative, but in a tortured, direct-experiential, drug-related kind of way. He was coping with his aggressive schizo-ness thru fiction.

Ah man you are perhaps the only person that phrases things in a way similar to how I think myself. Maybe I'm not a total schizo. :D.

I don't know what it's worth that we seem to relate to each other, but it is nice to hear, I take some kind of satisfaction to hear I'm not alone in that way. I think this is evidence of either 1) We are vaguely fumbling around in the dark for ideas that are universal but largely unspoken 2) Similar common ideas in spirituality lead to similar worldviews to develop in multiple people. Could also be both, or neither.

The t's and i's on the mundane level is thinning down possessions, clearing some debts, making a will etc. My estranged father dumped his decrepit house and debts upon me with no will and it was a nightmare to deal with. I don't want to do that to others. I also need to gain more certainty as to how I really want to exit including what's to happen to my body. I have a few ideas and the turn-around time on this is a few years. My "recovery" is to get into a state to deal with all this and of course be of sound enough mind to be helpful to my dependents in the mean time. I don't want to find myself decoupled from my body on the astral plane and concerned about wordy affairs left undone. I feel I need a certain amount of escape velocity.

I also want to continue to purge my body and aurora of pollution as much as possible. I've managed to hold my worst addictions at bay for a coupe of years. My dreams have become more cleaner and less dark. If I had ctb a year ago when I was plagued with dreams in a dreary underworld I don't think that would be good. I'm living my life in preparation for a potential respawn.

Yeah, I think this way too. I've been seduced by a common thing I hear around to the effect of "the mental state/conditions with which you ctb will shape your next birth", and something about that feels like it would be true. But also, we don't even know if it is. Maybe if we kill ourselves, our problems really get more relieved than we could ever have imagined, and the consequences we're imagining are just- projections of the mind's expectations and beliefs about cause and effect and a just world. How do we know it's really true? We don't, but fear basically keeps us locked into the beliefs. Maya.

Ideally if I can get my creative juices going, I would like to write an encoded book or painting that I may stumble upon in a next life that will jog my memory or nudge me along the right track along the lines of pic related:

Yeah, I feel like the real hell I lived while I was younger and also out of control with addictions was NOT seeing the potential for this to be true, instead having the conviction that I only have one life, and I've already fucked it up insanely, and seeing no alternate explanation to this extremely harsh and unfair world where we're all born with such disparities in circumstances, and that's all that happens, and you die, and that's it. The first time I got suicidal is when I awoke to the fact that maybe I actually can't die, which was a huge liberation from that previous hell state, but also its own huge can of worms, and has probably, strangely, driven me closer to suicide.

Yeah, I've thought about it in terms of staying alive to improve the next life slightly, and so on and so forth. But also maybe there's some even stronger rationale to suicide that I'm not quite seeing. Like a big one is instant relief- regardless of whatever else that entails further down the line.

Either way, in all this, aside from desire to avoid potential pain and stuff, I'm strangely not even that scared of death, it's like a worry that's matured past holding death as a necessarily bad thing. Never as a kid did I imagine I'd be tangling with that kind of thinking.

And still through all of this, for all we know all this eternal soul type reincarnation stuff is not true. Maybe there is only this life. idk

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

And embrace that you might just have to face your sins, and it might not be fun at all for a long time, but you're intention is to genuinely set things right, reach some sort of stable ground where things can actually improve.

That's what I was saying about purifying and purging myself here and now where I now my level of self agency. If I can attain "stable ground" here to some extent than maybe that will serve as a launch pad. So far, so good but it's slow going.

Similar common ideas in spirituality lead to similar worldviews to develop in multiple people.

I do notice in corners of the Internet many people share similar sentiments of being in the "wrong timeline" and whatnot.

I've been seduced by a common thing I hear around to the effect of "the mental state/conditions with which you ctb will shape your next birth"

Right? Like how ghosts are typically someone that met an untimely and violent death or suicide. Just last night in one of my feeds was a video about how burial ties one to the earth and traps a person into endless reincarnation and advocating cremation. I've even seen something silly about being buried at a 45 degree angle. I think there may be something to dying the "right way" or a good death but it might only effect the initial orientation when one first leaves the body. I guess if someone got good at out of body experiences they could try and watch someone die to see what happens. I'm not proficient at that though.

Yeah, I feel like the real hell I lived while I was younger and also out of control with addictions was NOT seeing the potential for this to be true, instead having the conviction that I only have one life, and I've already fucked it up insanely, and seeing no alternate explanation to this extremely harsh and unfair world where we're all born with such disparities in circumstances, and that's all that happens, and you die, and that's it. The first time I got suicidal is when I awoke to the fact that maybe I actually can't die, which was a huge liberation from that previous hell state, but also its own huge can of worms, and has probably, strangely, driven me closer to suicide.

I know exactly what you mean. Nihilistic behaviors including addiction at a young age brought me to despair which led me to contemplate life and death, leading me to feel like I can't die which made me feel stuck with my mistakes forever thus making me want to die even more. It's a recursive existential thought loop. I notice a good amount of people here and in similar spaces are in their late teens and stuck in similar mind states. If I could advise my past self I would emphasize to just pick a path and throw the entirety of myself into it as staying stuck for too long at an early age can set a life long pattern in motion.

I'm strangely not even that scared of death, it's like a worry that's matured past holding death as a necessarily bad thing. Never as a kid did I imagine I'd be tangling with that kind of thinking.

Me neither. I think my past fear of death was partially due to the fear of missing out on my own life. In a lot of ways that's already happened and even if I "lifemaxx" from here on out I still have the huge gaps of sadness and wrong choices that cast a cloud over things. I fancy the idea of jumping into the sun to burn off the dross of my mistakes like some sort of purgatory deep fryer.

 

[whyyyyyyyy]

That's what I was saying about purifying and purging myself here and now where I now my level of self agency. If I can attain "stable ground" here to some extent than maybe that will serve as a launch pad. So far, so good but it's slow going.

I feel that, but I wonder if even trying to do that is just a waste of time, and if really the surer way to get to the right track isn't just to drop the wreckage entirely instead of clinging to it, and reroll the spawn. Yet here I am just like you, earning money, exercising, treating people nicely.

Right? Like how ghosts are typically someone that met an untimely and violent death or suicide...

Yeah, I think I'm more inclined to believe that your emotional state/unresolved patterns will ripple into the next life, but less inclined to believe any of those wacky theories. And even the sensible sounding theories are just theories! Even if you did OBE and observed someone's death, how would that prove anything?

I know exactly what you mean....

True, I feel like not having a set path and values in life is what makes you end up here. Which kind of seems inevitable, to be fair. Even if you're an olympic athlete or whatever, that too shall pass, and you will eventually have to stare down the void. In some sense the people on here are eff-ups, on the other hand maybe their is a divinity to their restlessness, uncertainty, and discontent.

Me neither. I think my past fear of death was partially due to the fear of missing out on my own life. In a lot of ways that's already happened and even if I "lifemaxx" from here on out I still have the huge gaps of sadness and wrong choices that cast a cloud over things. I fancy the idea of jumping into the sun to burn off the dross of my mistakes like some sort of purgatory deep fryer.

Lol, I enjoy that visual. There really is something appealing to a painful and total death like that. Like bear mauling, dissolving acid, or immolation, I have some vague idea that the intense sensations will break up the deeply rigid body/mind patterns of causality that are trapped in my body, such that they don't arise in this same cursed configuration ever again. Purification by pain, basically, though it sounds less poetic said that way.

The Buddha, on his search for answers, found some masters who believed by self-harm, they burned away past Karmas. Buddha corrected them and said, no, you burn the karma by developing equanimity towards pain, and pleasure too. But maybe Buddha was too new school, maybe for real catastrophe-level individuals, you need to be mauled by a bear or something to be corrected. Maybe.

edit: also yeah, the fundamental fear is not of death, but of fucking up or having fucked up this life. Life the deep fear of being existentially off the mark in some way. I feel like lifemaxxing won't fix me. But it's also scary pressure to think that this is life might very well be all we have, or at least one of akind, and maybe lifemaxxing is the exact thing I should do, but I just refuse to stop sinning so much?? Real guilt/FOMO thing. Fear of regret. Fear of regrt so bad, it leads you to have a regretful life. But my hangups feel so real... D: