I've been lurking on this place for a while, but this is my first post.
I'm currently in an ongoing process to try to exhaustively prove that there's nothing left to live for. And I've found that there's quite a bit of stuff that I do enjoy the idea of doing - like drawing, video editing, game development, playing the guitar, film criticism and reading. And even with a list of that much stuff, every single time I try to even start drawing or playing the guitar (the two things on that list that require the least amount of sustained effort), all my enjoyment goes away, and even when I do finish what I started, it feels... hollow.
Last year, I was pseudo-leading a group of people building a large recreation of the scene from Pokemon Emerald where Rayquaza comes down from the skies and I remember being excited about creating a 12 ft. x 6 ft. tall tapestry of Kyogre and Groudon at war, and in front of them, a majestic shiny Mega Rayquaza that was over 8 feet tall when curled up into the menacing pouncing snake stance that it has. And when we were done, I remember the people stopping by to see it and compliment our work, but all I could feel was this immense emptiness. All that effort, costing nearly a month and my favorite t-shirt, and all I felt was nothing. Even when we destroyed the model and the painting, I felt the same hollow emptiness swallowing up my attachment to what I had spent so much effort on.
It's this empty feeling that I can't bring myself to face. I understand that it's meaningless, and that every effort I ever make is bound to be equally meaningless, but the emptiness saddens me. I know it's ridiculously stupid to feel that kind of attachment, but for some reason, I do. And part of this mess of contradictions is my immense desire for annihilation coupled with a huge fear of the same.
Sorry for rambling on for so long about random bullshit. It's just that there's times that I can't help but want some meaning from the meaningless world around me.