derpyderpins
A new mentality, closer to the heart
- Sep 19, 2023
- 2,100
Interpersonal connections are everything, right @LaVieEnRose?
I believe this more the more I dig into spirituality. I guess I've always been affected by that subconscious energy that flows between people. I get invested in people. Ultimately for everything I think I need to improve about myself, I'm pleased with that aspect.
The issue is that relationships fracture, or stagnate. If our soul is a painting on what's originally a blank pallet, then the people we feel closely connected to yield vibrance and character, but then what of a broken tie? It could provide rich blacks, full contrast to bring out the beauty of the brighter spots, or it could smudge, leaving a noticable blemish on the piece.
Okay even I'm tired of that figurative language. The point is I wanted to talk about different times when I've chosen to - or not to - attempt to mend a broken tie.
My best reaching back out story spans a long period. My first friend group at university will always have a place in my heart because, among other things, they weren't people who just happened to grow up by me. We chose to be friends. It let my nerdy side loose and helped quell the high school jock in me. Sitting around the dorms on our laptops - I first started watching anime, and I realized how much I love JRPGs, as I played classics on emulators.
Anyway, to skip unnecessary details we had a falling out. At least I did with the friend I felt closest to. Again, skipping details, there was blame on both sides.
Several years later, I reached out to another member of our group to chat and check in, and he recommended I reach out to patch things up, giving me a current number. I considered and waffled, at one point typing something out, but being too stubborn to send it, thinking 'why should I be the one to reach out?'
Well, a couple more years passed, and I had a particularly awful day while visiting the old alma mater. Big fight with my mom, I ended up hammered wandering in freezing cold and snow, and something about wandering around nostalgic spots combined with alcohol and misery made me think 'fuck it.' I pulled that sappy, way-too-long-and-detailed message up, about how I loved him like a brother and felt awful and just wanted him to know I was wishing him well and all that bullshit. I added in even more sappy crap about how I typed that a long time ago but was too much of a pussy to send it but I meant every word. I took a deep breath and sent it...
Not his number anymore. Some stranger probably got a good laugh as they let me know.
I'm not one to talk about fate but I accepted that as a sign to let that one go.
This has gotten long so I'm going to cut down the total number of examples I give. I'll just talk about two more, both related in that it was the same time and both were about politics of all things. Both were not initiated by me, minus my answering questions honestly rather than agreeing to go along get along. One, on my wife's counsel, I got a few drinks in me and reached out to them, and they apologized, and we patched up and we're all good now. The other had not been my friend as long, and I thought was much more in the wrong in their behavior, and so I stubbornly never had the desire to reach out. I've even seen them at some events we both attended, and they've never said a word to me, all because of a political stance - which is funny for behind-the-scenes reasons but I'm not going to go into it.
Honestly I'm tired of writing and don't remember where I may have been going with this, but it seems like a good topic for recovery: when do you swallow your pride and try to repair a fractured connection? One thing that struck me in thinking about examples is that it's almost (and I say that just to avoid committing too much) always me who would do the reaching out. Historically, at least. Being married makes me far more comfortable that my social needs are met, I guess, or maybe my self-esteem is just higher.
(forgive typos and poor punctuation I typed half of this on my phone and don't feel like patching it too much)
I believe this more the more I dig into spirituality. I guess I've always been affected by that subconscious energy that flows between people. I get invested in people. Ultimately for everything I think I need to improve about myself, I'm pleased with that aspect.
The issue is that relationships fracture, or stagnate. If our soul is a painting on what's originally a blank pallet, then the people we feel closely connected to yield vibrance and character, but then what of a broken tie? It could provide rich blacks, full contrast to bring out the beauty of the brighter spots, or it could smudge, leaving a noticable blemish on the piece.
Okay even I'm tired of that figurative language. The point is I wanted to talk about different times when I've chosen to - or not to - attempt to mend a broken tie.
I had to fill out a form for entry to a higher court recently, and it asked for the full date of my swearing in to the bar. Official lawyer date, I guess you'd call it. I knew the month and year, but not the day, so I started looking through my pictures around that date to find the actual ceremony.
Well, I came across a series of pictures of me with this woman I didn't recognize. We seemed really close, though, like all flirty and whatnot. It was weird. I would have been in a long distance relationship at the time.
I legitimately started freaking out. I know I've had periods where I drank a good bit, but this was like a repressed memory! What the hell is wrong with me?? Who is she? My friend group at this time was pretty well defined... I didn't even recognize the place we were! It was a chain, and goddam the location of the picture was only a few minutes from my at the time apartment, but I never remembered going into that building!
I'm obsessing now. Trying to find other pictures with her to jar my memory, looking through emails around those dates, and digging through old texts to try and find where I made plans. (This is the connection to the thread outside this spoiler).
Eventually I figured it out. At that time I had just gotten a new phone, and I guess some old pictures started backing up. They were pictures from my first year of college. The location was actually the Verizon store next to the chain, and I guess the Google guessed the chain because of the content of the picture. I went back and found a bunch of other pictures from that night: it was a big group hangout, probably why I don't remember that one person. Phew. Not crazy. I mean, crazy, but not for that reason. Anyway...
Well, I came across a series of pictures of me with this woman I didn't recognize. We seemed really close, though, like all flirty and whatnot. It was weird. I would have been in a long distance relationship at the time.
I legitimately started freaking out. I know I've had periods where I drank a good bit, but this was like a repressed memory! What the hell is wrong with me?? Who is she? My friend group at this time was pretty well defined... I didn't even recognize the place we were! It was a chain, and goddam the location of the picture was only a few minutes from my at the time apartment, but I never remembered going into that building!
I'm obsessing now. Trying to find other pictures with her to jar my memory, looking through emails around those dates, and digging through old texts to try and find where I made plans. (This is the connection to the thread outside this spoiler).
Eventually I figured it out. At that time I had just gotten a new phone, and I guess some old pictures started backing up. They were pictures from my first year of college. The location was actually the Verizon store next to the chain, and I guess the Google guessed the chain because of the content of the picture. I went back and found a bunch of other pictures from that night: it was a big group hangout, probably why I don't remember that one person. Phew. Not crazy. I mean, crazy, but not for that reason. Anyway...
My best reaching back out story spans a long period. My first friend group at university will always have a place in my heart because, among other things, they weren't people who just happened to grow up by me. We chose to be friends. It let my nerdy side loose and helped quell the high school jock in me. Sitting around the dorms on our laptops - I first started watching anime, and I realized how much I love JRPGs, as I played classics on emulators.
Anyway, to skip unnecessary details we had a falling out. At least I did with the friend I felt closest to. Again, skipping details, there was blame on both sides.
Several years later, I reached out to another member of our group to chat and check in, and he recommended I reach out to patch things up, giving me a current number. I considered and waffled, at one point typing something out, but being too stubborn to send it, thinking 'why should I be the one to reach out?'
Well, a couple more years passed, and I had a particularly awful day while visiting the old alma mater. Big fight with my mom, I ended up hammered wandering in freezing cold and snow, and something about wandering around nostalgic spots combined with alcohol and misery made me think 'fuck it.' I pulled that sappy, way-too-long-and-detailed message up, about how I loved him like a brother and felt awful and just wanted him to know I was wishing him well and all that bullshit. I added in even more sappy crap about how I typed that a long time ago but was too much of a pussy to send it but I meant every word. I took a deep breath and sent it...
Not his number anymore. Some stranger probably got a good laugh as they let me know.
I'm not one to talk about fate but I accepted that as a sign to let that one go.
This has gotten long so I'm going to cut down the total number of examples I give. I'll just talk about two more, both related in that it was the same time and both were about politics of all things. Both were not initiated by me, minus my answering questions honestly rather than agreeing to go along get along. One, on my wife's counsel, I got a few drinks in me and reached out to them, and they apologized, and we patched up and we're all good now. The other had not been my friend as long, and I thought was much more in the wrong in their behavior, and so I stubbornly never had the desire to reach out. I've even seen them at some events we both attended, and they've never said a word to me, all because of a political stance - which is funny for behind-the-scenes reasons but I'm not going to go into it.
Honestly I'm tired of writing and don't remember where I may have been going with this, but it seems like a good topic for recovery: when do you swallow your pride and try to repair a fractured connection? One thing that struck me in thinking about examples is that it's almost (and I say that just to avoid committing too much) always me who would do the reaching out. Historically, at least. Being married makes me far more comfortable that my social needs are met, I guess, or maybe my self-esteem is just higher.
(forgive typos and poor punctuation I typed half of this on my phone and don't feel like patching it too much)
