NSFW Realizing I've been SA'd

[reekofunpleasant]

Someone I called a friend of mine took advantage of me back in February, but I never blamed her until she told me a month ago she wasn't under the influence. I saw her at the gas station a few nights ago and right there I realized I don't know how to live with myself. I just feel so disgusting. I told my friend what had happened since he was there that night in Feb. but he called me a liar. He didn't believe me. I haven't smoked weed since then, but I tried at a party once again. I just felt disgusting again, it upset me the rest of the night.
What do I do now? I can't talk to my parents, situations are too tense as of right now. In fact I've even been thinking of moving out. But I can't do anything anymore, I can't go out anymore because I'm so afraid of seeing her again, I can't listen to my music anymore since we shared similar tastes, I can't even look at myself naked in the mirror anymore. I can't live like this. I never saw myself as a victim. We were good friends too, since grade 7. I trusted her, I had told her that night my ex had left me. I was vulnerable for the first time in ages, and she fucking raped me when she got me high. I break down a lot now, more than I have in years.
I don't know if I want to CTB yet, but if I do, then I'll choose a method. Advice is welcome.

 

[null_blank]

I hold up a mirror and say these things to myself as much as I do to you now:

Welcome. I'm sorry you're here and that you feel so badly.

I am so sorry that happened to you. You did not deserve to be abused and while you seem to know that, I will say it anyways. You do not need to let your past define you.

There are places to report what happened to you. Even if it's been so long, there are consequences for her actions which can keep her from abusing someone else.

What should you do? Talk about it. Or else it will happen again. And in that, there is strength. Even if you don't feel you deserve that and even if you don't want to blow up her life—she's clearly already done that to you.

If it is within you to forgive, do so; but you absolutely do not need to have the same boundaries with this person as you did before.

These things count on silence to survive.
Don't give in to it.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

It was never your fault. No real friend would ever do that to someone they cared about. You deserve better in life. Going out will get easier with the passing of time, I felt the same way with an ex gf in my city, in a way I still get paranoid when out and about but it's less. It helped me to play out the potential scenario and what I might say, pretty much all amounting to "get the fuck away from me" — as the above poster said, you are not required to forgive them, you owe them nothing. Here if you want to convo<3

 

[iamanavalanche]

sexual abuse always feels like such a betrayal. i had a similar experience with one of my old best friends. youre not alone at all and i understand how you feel