I'm similar to you on that front. A narcissistic, homophobic mother with helicopter parent tendencies did a number to my self confidence and love for myself. Pair that up with an absentee father, an undiagnosed but likely personality disorder of bpd and I'm surprised I've held up together for this long, very much bursting at the seams though lmfao. Definitely have bouts of suicidal ideation but mostly passive, they've come and go and in different intensities as well. But realizing that I'm the common denominator behind all my close relationships crashing and burning fucked me up good. All I have left is my gf and I feel like it's just a matter of time before I fumble her too. I know about the whole psychological phenomenon of fulfilling a self defeating prophecy but it's like nothing I do matters. I strived my damn hardest last year to improve myself, I hit the gym, lost a shit ton of weight, crushed it at work, and tried to win the approval over my family that I can handle myself and that I am deserving of independence. And despite all of that my mother could not find it in herself to approve of me traveling alone, or fly solo to a work conference that would benefit my career. I just feel trapped. And because of that it felt like all that improvement doesn't fucking matter if I'm under her thumb. I didn't even have a sense of self pride that I did all that. Who would've thought that being coddled like you're 5 years old would feel like you're being strangled to death. I don't even have full control over my bank accounts.
So now I'm just watching my friendships fizzle out as well as the connections I had to family, and seeing how long the desire to ctb overides my desire to carry on.
