GoodPersonEffed
Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
- Jan 11, 2020
- 6,726
This is my 2,000th post. I much preferred the magneta color. I'll miss it. And I'm feeling reflective about it.
@nitrogen posted a couple of months ago about influence on this site. She advised questioning if you're more heavily influenced by number of posts and react scores, and to question the motivations of members who post a lot and have high react scores. I commented on that thread about discomfort I had with how it was presented, but I don't deny it had a lot of value.
If you are at all aware of my character based on my consistent behaviors here, then you might have noticed I'm very much a proponent of thinking for yourself and questioning things. Even when being baited, I have responded honestly when questioned because I deeply value these tenets and actively honor them. Being loved is not important to me, but acting worthy of respect is, because what is ultimately important to me is liking and respecting myself. Love is interactive, and I don't always want such interaction, based on my personal boundaries and because my self- esteem and self-worth do not require it as it did when I was younger. Whether on the forum or irl, I don't function to make people feel better so much as to empower them, and that is not always sought or appreciated, and I think my react score reflects that. But I do value the reflection of being appreciated and respected, because I make the effort of acting in ways worthy of respect based on virtues that I value above all else. When that is recognized and validated, for me it is practical positive reinforcement that I can use.
I haven't seen such a question asked lately, but there have been times when a member has been questioned for still being active on the forum if not actively suicidal. Some excellent responses I have seen are that this is a pro-choice forum, not pro-death, and that this is a place where folks who consider suicide feel comfortable.
One may question why I've posted so damn much in just shy of three months. It's a valid question. I'm extroverted, gregarious and conversational by nature. I am isolated and value the interaction. Whether on a forum or irl, if there is a conversation, I may sit back and listen, I may move away from it if I receive no value and cannot contribute value, or I might jump in. I enjoy jumping in. I enjoy the exchange of giving and receiving value, I thoroughly enjoy laughing when appropriate, and I enjoy debating. I value when a debate changes my mind, and I value when my perpsective enhances that of another.
One may question why I'm here and considering suicide if I like myself so damn much. I don't talk about the external circumstances that have led me to this option because I don't need the support and have already accessed other resources, so I maintain a boundary around it. My circumstances are in no way a reflection of me. They are isolating, and SS has relieved that isolation. I'm grateful there are other conversations besides only methods and motivations to ctb or I would not find the community to be as edifying and would have already moved on. To finish addressing the question, I previously created a thread about the Stoic perspective about suicide, and the rational reasons for withdrawing from the party of life. When I am certain that it is the best choice for me to withdraw, those reasons give me the support I need to move forward with the least shitty option of all shitty available options.
On a side note, being a long-time student of human nature and of the perceptions that influence our behaviors, I find it interesting that many members think I'm male, based on my writing style, and perhaps my avatar. I chose the avatar because to me it's utterly non-triggering, and says the least possible. I am, as of recently, a 49-year-old woman. (My gender is not a recent development.)
So now that my user name is purple and I have such a high number of posts, I am cognizant that this stands out, and I am cognizant of the variety of ways of how others may perceive me. I'm not here to generate a personal fan club, I could do that on social media if I were so inclined. I'm extroverted and social, but I also strive to practice healthy interpersonal boundaries. I'm not some expert on suicide, I'm just a rational external thinker, and also happened to grow up around talk of death as my father was a death investigator, so it's not generally a triggering subject for me. I'm a proponent of doing one's own research and thoughtfully planning and preparing, and doing so as a social animal, with the input of others; I have done that quite openly here, such as the journal I did for planning an SN exit (in fact one member saw an experiment I was planning and saved me from a huge mistake), and the letter I wrote to my parents should they come here seeking answers. I have said many times that actively engaging with suicidal ideation rather than repressing it allows things to emerge that might have otherwise remained hidden behind the ideation, and my research, planning and preparation indeed revealed much every step of the way. I also believe that research, planning and preparation lead to confidence, and confidence leads to success being a more likely outcome when and if the time arrives for one to catch the bus. And last, I am a proponent of pro-choice in all aspects of life, provided one's choice is not harmful to others or at their expense.
Perhaps in the future I will find forums that speak to other interests and taper off from interacting here. Again, humans are social animals and need support; it is easier to move on from one community when there is another to replace it, and as yet I haven't encountered one. Realistically, as much as I enjoy the effort of making a positive difference for others and experiencing mutually beneficial interactions, there are only so many times I can find personal edification from engaging in the same conversations that are the natural foundation of this site. I recognize it is easy to slip into crankiness and misanthropy, and to forget the innate worthiness, value and vulnerability of each member who posts. If suicide is no longer remotely an immediate possibility for me, then others' sense of immediacy won't reach me, but if I leave the site for that reason, it is no big loss because there will always be others ready, able and willing to fulfill others' very real and worthy needs. In my experience, I am inherently unique wherever I am, but I am not special, and this forum will go on quite well without me, just as it did before I arrived.
@fightingsioux made a thread that is still going, ten posts we'll likely see in the future, which is a hilarious lampoon of the site, but to me also cautions against getting burned out, cranky and misanthropic. It can be tempting to use that thread to passive-aggressively vent frustrations about current posts. And I admit - hopefully not to my own detriment - that sometimes I see a post to which I react with such frustration, rather than with patience and understanding, and want to comment with this meme:
I don't want to devalue anyone or make them feel stupid.
I don't want to turn into this:
I want to give others valuable support, such as tools to empower them and figure shit out for themselves. Some folks don't want that (edit: seek for themselves to receive that), which I have to accept or unnecessarily suffer. I am not the boss of them. Really all I want is to be the boss of me. And if I'm honest, sometimes to let off the pressure valve and still say, PEW PEW PEW!
@nitrogen posted a couple of months ago about influence on this site. She advised questioning if you're more heavily influenced by number of posts and react scores, and to question the motivations of members who post a lot and have high react scores. I commented on that thread about discomfort I had with how it was presented, but I don't deny it had a lot of value.
If you are at all aware of my character based on my consistent behaviors here, then you might have noticed I'm very much a proponent of thinking for yourself and questioning things. Even when being baited, I have responded honestly when questioned because I deeply value these tenets and actively honor them. Being loved is not important to me, but acting worthy of respect is, because what is ultimately important to me is liking and respecting myself. Love is interactive, and I don't always want such interaction, based on my personal boundaries and because my self- esteem and self-worth do not require it as it did when I was younger. Whether on the forum or irl, I don't function to make people feel better so much as to empower them, and that is not always sought or appreciated, and I think my react score reflects that. But I do value the reflection of being appreciated and respected, because I make the effort of acting in ways worthy of respect based on virtues that I value above all else. When that is recognized and validated, for me it is practical positive reinforcement that I can use.
I haven't seen such a question asked lately, but there have been times when a member has been questioned for still being active on the forum if not actively suicidal. Some excellent responses I have seen are that this is a pro-choice forum, not pro-death, and that this is a place where folks who consider suicide feel comfortable.
One may question why I've posted so damn much in just shy of three months. It's a valid question. I'm extroverted, gregarious and conversational by nature. I am isolated and value the interaction. Whether on a forum or irl, if there is a conversation, I may sit back and listen, I may move away from it if I receive no value and cannot contribute value, or I might jump in. I enjoy jumping in. I enjoy the exchange of giving and receiving value, I thoroughly enjoy laughing when appropriate, and I enjoy debating. I value when a debate changes my mind, and I value when my perpsective enhances that of another.
One may question why I'm here and considering suicide if I like myself so damn much. I don't talk about the external circumstances that have led me to this option because I don't need the support and have already accessed other resources, so I maintain a boundary around it. My circumstances are in no way a reflection of me. They are isolating, and SS has relieved that isolation. I'm grateful there are other conversations besides only methods and motivations to ctb or I would not find the community to be as edifying and would have already moved on. To finish addressing the question, I previously created a thread about the Stoic perspective about suicide, and the rational reasons for withdrawing from the party of life. When I am certain that it is the best choice for me to withdraw, those reasons give me the support I need to move forward with the least shitty option of all shitty available options.
On a side note, being a long-time student of human nature and of the perceptions that influence our behaviors, I find it interesting that many members think I'm male, based on my writing style, and perhaps my avatar. I chose the avatar because to me it's utterly non-triggering, and says the least possible. I am, as of recently, a 49-year-old woman. (My gender is not a recent development.)
So now that my user name is purple and I have such a high number of posts, I am cognizant that this stands out, and I am cognizant of the variety of ways of how others may perceive me. I'm not here to generate a personal fan club, I could do that on social media if I were so inclined. I'm extroverted and social, but I also strive to practice healthy interpersonal boundaries. I'm not some expert on suicide, I'm just a rational external thinker, and also happened to grow up around talk of death as my father was a death investigator, so it's not generally a triggering subject for me. I'm a proponent of doing one's own research and thoughtfully planning and preparing, and doing so as a social animal, with the input of others; I have done that quite openly here, such as the journal I did for planning an SN exit (in fact one member saw an experiment I was planning and saved me from a huge mistake), and the letter I wrote to my parents should they come here seeking answers. I have said many times that actively engaging with suicidal ideation rather than repressing it allows things to emerge that might have otherwise remained hidden behind the ideation, and my research, planning and preparation indeed revealed much every step of the way. I also believe that research, planning and preparation lead to confidence, and confidence leads to success being a more likely outcome when and if the time arrives for one to catch the bus. And last, I am a proponent of pro-choice in all aspects of life, provided one's choice is not harmful to others or at their expense.
Perhaps in the future I will find forums that speak to other interests and taper off from interacting here. Again, humans are social animals and need support; it is easier to move on from one community when there is another to replace it, and as yet I haven't encountered one. Realistically, as much as I enjoy the effort of making a positive difference for others and experiencing mutually beneficial interactions, there are only so many times I can find personal edification from engaging in the same conversations that are the natural foundation of this site. I recognize it is easy to slip into crankiness and misanthropy, and to forget the innate worthiness, value and vulnerability of each member who posts. If suicide is no longer remotely an immediate possibility for me, then others' sense of immediacy won't reach me, but if I leave the site for that reason, it is no big loss because there will always be others ready, able and willing to fulfill others' very real and worthy needs. In my experience, I am inherently unique wherever I am, but I am not special, and this forum will go on quite well without me, just as it did before I arrived.
@fightingsioux made a thread that is still going, ten posts we'll likely see in the future, which is a hilarious lampoon of the site, but to me also cautions against getting burned out, cranky and misanthropic. It can be tempting to use that thread to passive-aggressively vent frustrations about current posts. And I admit - hopefully not to my own detriment - that sometimes I see a post to which I react with such frustration, rather than with patience and understanding, and want to comment with this meme:
I don't want to devalue anyone or make them feel stupid.
I don't want to turn into this:
I want to give others valuable support, such as tools to empower them and figure shit out for themselves. Some folks don't want that (edit: seek for themselves to receive that), which I have to accept or unnecessarily suffer. I am not the boss of them. Really all I want is to be the boss of me. And if I'm honest, sometimes to let off the pressure valve and still say, PEW PEW PEW!
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