Help Requesting Peer-Review for CTB Plan (Full Suspension)

[CumbriaCTB]

I hope this thread finds you well.

I've had this particular CTB plan since May after discovering that the hatch to my loft does in fact open (I was told it was sealed shut?) and that there is a sturdy beam literally right next to the opening that seems to be a brilliant anchor point for full suspension. Originally, I was planning to enter the nearby industrial estate at night and use a raised metal platform as an anchor point so an in-home CTB opportunity was a godsend for me.

While I am fairly confident of this plan being a success, I still naturally have a healthy bit of scepticism. I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm missing something big here. Although this is not my first CTB attempt, it is my first full suspension attempt. It would be great to get a second pair of eyes on this and obviously this is the only place I'm able to ask without being gaslit in the replies or banned by the moderators. The last thing I want is to fail carotid constriction and end up dying in minutes of agony from asphyxiation while fully conscious; even worse would be surviving the attempt with permanent brain damage.

[Apologies for the links: I'm in the UK and image uploading doesn't want to play nice with my VPN.]

View From Top of Stairs

• The entrance to the loft is upstairs in this really awkward, tight spot. I do worry that the nearby walls and doorways could cause problems if survival instinct takes over.
• The bottom step of the stool folds inwards - I can step up onto the stool and fold the bottom step to make the stool easier to kick over.
• The bathroom window has that foggy-privacy glaze thing over it so the neighbours can't see what I'm doing. There are no other windows with visibility of the noose.
• I have taken some measurements and I am confident that the noose is positioned high enough so that not even my tip-toes will touch the floor. I'm 185cm so this is a legitimate concern of mine. Floor-to-ceiling height is just over 2 metres.

Bowline Knot on Anchor Point

• This is actually two bowline knots. I had an extra metre of rope (full length is 3 metres) and needed to get it out of the way. I'm not sure if double-knotting does anything but I can't imagine it harming the CTB attempt in any way.
• Both of the knots are tied to the 45-degree wooden beam on the right.
• I've pulled downward on the noose with all of my strength and neither the knots nor the wooden beam showed any sign of giving way so I'm pretty sure it will hold my weight; I don't own scales but I'm around 75~80kg normally.
• The rope is 18mm braided polyester which I purchased from a maritime supplier.

Noose Knot in Action - Around my forearm, not my neck!

• I have confirmed that the noose knot is self-tightening when pulled down with my forearm inside the hole.
• I have also tied the noose around my neck while attached to its anchor point - it's easy to get my head through and pre-tighten prior to kicking the stool.

As for the possibility of outside interference: I live alone and have no friends/family to come calling unexpectedly (I've already had no human contact - by choice - aside from grocery delivery men for 6 weeks straight with nobody coming to check on me as of writing) and therefore I have absolutely zero risk of ever getting caught in the act.

I've actually had this thing set up since the start of May - yes, I do walk past the stool and noose every time I go to the toilet - so I can act on an impulse before survival instinct stops me. I've even gotten halfway on a double-digit number of occasions: I would have an episode and make a mad dash for the stairs, hop on the stool, noose around my neck and then... nothing. I keep fixating on how unpleasant those 15~30 seconds for carotid constriction to do its thing will be even though the average flashback I get causes me extreme agony, makes me cut myself, and I often end up coming back to my senses having destroyed yet another piece of furniture; everything in this house is owned by me and therefore my responsibility to replace.

I know I want to die and have done so since the age of 10. I'm 24 now: no friends/family, no employment history, no higher education, therapy-resistant CPTSD with flashbacks multiple times per day, neurological issues making socialising a chore with little reward, chronic anhedonia preventing me from enjoying time spent alone or with most other people, a cycle of being used-and-abused in toxic relationships, trapped in a region with a hostile culture and a looming demographic crisis (West Cumbria's population pyramid is fully inverted) with no means of emigration to other parts of the UK available to me, and 100% reliant on government benefits and social housing for survival which means that I have zero long-term prospects for recovery; in fact, things are getting worse as time goes on. Whether I CTB tonight or CTB in a few years when the DWP stops my money doesn't matter; I'll be hanging from a noose either way so why not just get it over with before I ruin yet another night with yet another flashback?

Is alcohol the solution? From my own experience, 6-7 shots (150-175ml) of 37.5% vodka consumed in quick succession is enough to pretty much turn my emotions off while retaining a relatively safe level of motor control - I've been able to take a shower, shave my arms + legs, go to the shops, and operate a stove without accident while under the influence - so, in theory, being normal-for-me levels of drunk should suppress SI while not preventing me carrying out the CTB plan. My plan for tonight is to measure out 175ml of the vodka (I'm not actually a casual drinker; I measure it out and dose it as a last-resort emotional painkiller) and just stand on the stool with the noose around my neck - no kicking the stool. If I don't get that sinking "uh oh" feeling in my gut and don't fall off of the stool then I'll know to have 175ml of vodka on-hand for the next time I get a real suicidal impulse.

I would love to hear everybody's feedback here. And, please, feel free to shoot as many holes in my plan as you wish - don't be shy, now. I'd like for this plan to be foolproof and any flaw, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, is something worth considering. Thank you so much for making it this far!

 

[JesiBel]

Wow, you've got everything planned out very well.

Looking at the photos..

If the survival instinct kicks in, I don't see any places you could grab/climb onto to stop the attempt (unless you leave that little ladder standing next to you) Also, your conscious seconds are too few to react and try to do something quickly.

I see you've already tested your anchor point (wooden beam) and it's sturdy, supporting your full weight. And it's still intact. Did you test it with the same rope you are going to use? If so, you're already sure that both are strong.

I'm curious about the rope, its thickness, is it comfortable for you? Without having everything assembled at the anchor point, testing only the ligature at the neck (as if it were a necklace, and you can apply pressure by pulling the free end with your hands)

You could add a stopper knot to the noose knot for more security.



As for substances, it would be preferable if you had a clear mind so as not to make mistakes.

If you are an impulsive person, it would be good to take down the rope and leave that small ladder far away. Leaving that whole scene there in plain sight and reach every day is stressful, and it wouldn't be good if it forced you to act desperately/impulsively. You can set everything up when "that day" comes.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

 

[AreWeWinning]

Nice post. Very detailed.

(I've added your original images in my comment for convenience.)

View From Top of Stairs

Spoiler: View From Top of Stairs

• The entrance to the loft is upstairs in this really awkward, tight spot. I do worry that the nearby walls and doorways could cause problems if survival instinct takes over.

The edge of the hatch probably poses more risk than the nearby walls and doorways. It's likely a low risk though. If it's full suspension, then once you step off, you'll likely lose muscle strength quickly and won't be able to do anything about it. Looks like a decent setup overall.

• I have taken some measurements and I am confident that the noose is positioned high enough so that not even my tip-toes will touch the floor. I'm 185cm so this is a legitimate concern of mine. Floor-to-ceiling height is just over 2 metres.

If that stool is at least 40-50 cm high (looks like it is), and you need to get on the top of it to reach the noose, then it looks all right. What matters is 1) the support needs to be at least 40-50 cm high; 2) the noose has to be high enough so that you can only reach it from the top of your support.

If height is a concern, you could use a carabiner to create a noose at the perfect height that is easy to clip on. I.e. you can make a smaller noose, so less height is lost as the noose tightens when you step off.

Bowline Knot on Anchor Point

Spoiler: Bowline Knot on Anchor Point

• This is actually two bowline knots. I had an extra metre of rope (full length is 3 metres) and needed to get it out of the way. I'm not sure if double-knotting does anything but I can't imagine it harming the CTB attempt in any way.

I can't tell from the picture whether those are correctly tied Bowline Knots and how you tied them, but they do look like something that could potentially hold. I can't tell for sure. If you've tested them with your full body weight, that's definitely a good thing.

Double-knotting definitely does something. It's a fail-safe, and insurance against our own mistakes. It's the same idea as with adding stopper knots. Two Bowline Knots may be overkill, but it's not a mistake, and two are definitely better than one.

The wooden beams look fine to me. Should be strong enough.

The rope looks fine too. Braided, good material, thick but still within reason, bought from a reliable source. Checks all the boxes.

Noose Knot in Action

Spoiler: Noose Knot in Action

As @JesiBel already said, add a stopper knot to the Noose Knot (e.g. an Overhand Knot). It's not optional. The Noose Knot can be unreliable without that.

Alcohol... It looks like you thought this over. Personally, I want to be sober when my time comes, out of principle. Unless I can't do it, in which case I'm willing to give up my principles. Studies say that about 30% of people have positive blood alcohol levels at the time of death. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I think alcohol can be a double-edged sword. It can make people more fearless. But it can also weaken willpower and make a person have less mental energy, which are essential to get a difficult task done. Being drunk also increases the likelihood of making a mistake.

Regarding your troubles... Thanks for sharing. I'm suicidal myself, and a bit older than you, so I don't really have an emotional reaction to these kinds of things anymore – but it's always interesting to read others' stories.