Story Returnee,

[D&D]

Hi, (again)

Again, because I was here before. Last year. My username was Una. I did not write or interact much. Maybe a handful of times. Mainly through the guise of creative writing. I felt (feel) too guilty, too ashamed to be alive. To be amongst people. Anywhere.

I became a recluse. It was not difficult. I live far away from the country I once called home and have no family. A couple of friends drifted away relatively quickly. As it happens. I don't blame them. After a while, I deactivated my SS account and tried to board the bus. But it would not let me. Have not suffered enough. True.

So, I came back. To suffer some more. As I surely must.

Why am I writing all this? Because it is all, I have. Words. I have lost everything else. Everything that makes a human. Through fault of my own.

I tried to re-activate my earlier account and emailed mods about it but received no response. It might be that the account and its content get deleted after a certain time. It is OK. Only, as a 'new' user, I cannot send any emails or messages.

Evening is falling fast here. As fast as rain that has brought. Summer. Shy one still.

If, by chance, you might like to say 'hi' … thank you.

I'll try my best to be kind and courteous. But I know I am no longer human. Not in any meaningful way. Which really is the only way. I cannot even bring myself to write how lonely, how isolated I am … because I know that many are. I feel like a fraud.

I know … there are many long and fancy words to describe such a state of mind. From the 'umbrella' words such as depression and anxiety to more specific ones like psychosis or bipolar. But those are just words too, aren't they? They describe but neither cure nor comfort.

As someone once said; 'Only retki nađu retke … '

I like Bukowski too.

I might update this thread from time to time.

Thank you for reading.

Una

 

[D&D]

 

[FuneralCry]

Hi, welcome back. I wish you the best.

 

[D&D]

Hi, welcome back. I wish you the best.

Hi, FuneralCry,

Thank you very much.

I wish you the best too. Whatever it might mean to you.

I remember you always been kind.

 

[rationaltake]

Hello. Thanks for this thread. Words were my joy my escape and my distraction. But now even they have failed me. Take care

 

[Quiet Desperation]

Welcome back, and I'm sorry life has led you back to us.

 

[disfiguredone]

I too no longer feel human. I relate to your words, and enjoy how well you express yourself, and am very sorry you suffer.

 

[LONE WOLF.]

Good Evening Una, You're not a fraud, you're just doing the same as everyone else on here does, Writing about how You feel and why you feel that way! And No-one has any right to expect any more from You! Sending You Hugs if that's ok Una, and my dog Max sends You friendly wuff's and furry tail wags!!!

 

[D&D]

Hello. Thanks for this thread. Words were my joy my escape and my distraction. But now even they have failed me. Take care

Hi rationaltake,

Thank you very much for writing.

Words often felt more real to me than anything else. I used to say that I do not read books, rather I inhabit them. They were my escape, my hiding place.

But I know what you mean ... more and more often I feel like I have none left. Only chaos from which is becoming increasingly difficult to distil any coherence.

You take care too. As best as you can.

Welcome back, and I'm sorry life has led you back to us.

Hi Quiet Desperation,


Thank you very much.

Your words made me feel a bit better.

I still think life is a mystery to us all ... perhaps some roads are chosen for us, others we choose. In the end - they all lead to the same place. Which is both, the ultimate paradox and the ultimate equalizer.

I too no longer feel human. I relate to your words, and enjoy how well you express yourself, and am very sorry you suffer.

Hi disfiguredone,

Thank you for writing.

I am very sorry to hear that you too no longer feel human ... it is a terrible feeling. Like you watching your former self from ever greater distance. Dissipating, like a portrait in sepia. Connected to what was once human only through suffering.

Wishing you best, whatever it means to you.

Good Evening Una, You're not a fraud, you're just doing the same as everyone else on here does, Writing about how You feel and why you feel that way! And No-one has any right to expect any more from You! Sending You Hugs if that's ok Una, and my dog Max sends You friendly wuff's and furry tail wags!!!

Hi LONE WOLF,

Thank you so much for your kind words ... many thanks for hugs and 'wuff's and furry tail wags'! I once had a dog. Back when I was still a person. She was great. Nice name Max.

Sending best wishes to you and Max!

 

[D&D]

'Goooood morning Vietnam!'

Wasn't he just great ... Oh yes, he was! So let us see what do we have this fine summer morning;

- birds have found their usual spots in the tree outside my kitchen window. They chat to each other relentlessly.

- construction workers have returned to the building site. Carrying their tool belts and neon vests. Yelling, laughing, joking, hammering. I like to imagine they have families to return to at the end of the day. You know the usual ... fat wives, little boys with messy hairs, slobbering dogs, kitchen tables with plates on them ... home. To not remember long hours, shitty wages, and how rigged the game really is.

- sun is trying to knock on my windows. Again. Despite the thick curtains. Sorry. There is nothing to see here. Nothing at all.